Tuesday, January 26, 2010
Wow, i am watching the rage inside of myself boil away. There really is no point at this time to try to reason with it or sweetly calm the waters. I feel like a caged animal ready to pounce on any innocent creature who even looks like they might taunt me. My rational self knows that this is PMS and it too shall pass but in the meantime I am stuck with this nasty bitch of a person that i cannot befriend. Almost every interaction today has been crunchy. I cannot manage to be an adult with my children and manage tantrums while I myself am in a full fledged tantrum. Somebody needs to put me in a time-out! For the love of humanity, put me in a time-out!!! I wish to high heaven that i could just curl up into a severely air-conditioned room, cozy up under the covers and have someone who adores me rub my whole body until i am so saturated with affection and contentment that i beg them to stop and let me sleep.
Ok, now i’m sort of sick of whining. It’s getting on my nerves and I feel the hot icy whine of my tone scraping through my insides and making me even more bothered. But, later if i start to complain again don’t call me on it cuz that’s where i am today. i am feeling and only feeling. i have no room for rationale. I guess I am sort of like an almost 3 year old who i know. All emotion and no reason. Ok, so can i get my head out of my gunk for a minute and try to see how this state, these emotions affect my little girl? Not mine but her own. If she does live in a world of feeling and in her body without access to her head or reason, then how can i relate to her especially when she is “out of it” in order to assist her to move through it or at least to show her that all is ok with any emotion. I want her to feel that emotions have so much power and can be ugly but this family it is a safe place to be completely who you are. It is a harbor to explore all parts of ourselves and i will willingly be your light amidst the fog, i am here to guide you back to your center so that you can learn how to find your peace on your own in time. ( i am rambling and it may not make complete sense but i feel the need to release some of this pressure)
So, I have quite a job here. It is by far more challenging than i thought it would be. I am a good mother when things are sweet and going well. I like to be creative with our time at home by offering a variety of activities, song,….yadayada. But, i have a really hard time when a certain energy takes over this house. It’s a kind of energy that feels stuck, angry, and without direction. It’s a strong force that is easily aggressive and nasty. I can feel it and i know aiyana can feel it. She looks like she embodies that monster fully when things are heated but she may be reflecting back to me what i am not expressing outwardly. Does the chicken or the egg come first? I guess it really doesnt matter so long as i work on my own inner angst along with skillfully being there to guide her when it takes her over. Yeah, that’s an easy task.