the land of crank

I am drowning in mama overwhelm right now. it wasnt even a bad day. it was good. not great but good. i tried to keep myself in the background for the later part of the day especially after i saw that cranky inner witch poke her nose out. I yelled and rolled my eyes at aiayna . i dont even remember what it was about. Who's the child, here? I guess we both are. What a mix!

When i am irritable, cranky, bitchy, and generally just off the girls sense it with their little energy antennae and they get all out of it,too. It's hell, really. Some days i just want to be out of it and stew in my misery but it makes it so hard when i have two little mirrors showing me just how heinous i really look.

 It's so hard to be in a pissy mood when you know that everything that comes out of your mouth can throw the whole family into the land of crank. It feels like SO much responsibility. I hold the balance of our family. Our moods are so hugely dependent on my energy and most definitely my reactions. if i am centered enough to hold the space for meltdowns, owies and screaming tantrums then they pass thru like a tornado. Horrible, but completely gone after their mess is done.

BUT, when i am scrambling to pick up the pieces of my center and every whine feels like acid on a burn I crumble and then whole crew comes down with me. They are watching me ALL the time. HUGE responsibility.......

Yes, it's a ton of pressure, daily. Motherhood is a moment to moment in your face daily practice of letting your shit GO and looking in those little mirrors and admitting how ridiculous you can look.

mama guilt

What is it that creeps over me like a plague, slumps my shoulders and sucks all my goodness right out of me? Oh, is that mama guilt? that intense feeling that comes when i am doing anything that might resemble something "just" for me?

like sitting here at the computer in the daylight hours and NOT playing with my kids or cleaning the floors or preparing wholesome foods...i have this sick idea of what the perfect mother is. and i get so frustrated that she is impossible for me to live up to. I dont know where it comes from or how it snuck itself into my head. but its there and it sucks!

there are actually certain mamas that host certain blogs that i cannot even look at because they portray themselves as that perfect matriarch with those sweet kids , that great house on all that land with all her freshly baked bread and crafty cuteness. i love it so much that i can't stand it!

weaning the littlest

She is curled up in her bed while i caress her big sister to sleep. she didnt want me to snuggle her tonight.
first time ever...she always wants me. strange. its another phase in her process of letting go of her babyhood, i suppose.
today is monday and she had her "last nurse" on friday night. it is so bittersweet for me. i have been wanting to wean for several months now. she loves the boob so much but about half the time we nursed i felt so irritable like i wanted to flick her off.
terrible, i know.
so, i knew our time was drawing to an end. on saturday we made a big deal of her first day of being a big girl. she got a "big girl" water bottle and i baked her a cake and we even got a few balloons at her request. i told her how proud of her i am and she said, "i'm not going to cry, i'm not going to be sad, i am going to be happy".
hmmm, i loved her attitude but of course it didnt last too long ;) i thought maybe i would let her nurse til she weaned herself but knowing her, she would nurse til she was 8! the last 8 months have been just for nap, bed and if i am lounging in my bed in the morning.
so, it wasnt on demand, thank god!

My body is ready to be mine...all mine again.