tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-33120483847053850062024-02-06T20:53:30.120-08:00bodhi-mamamy greatest loves and most persistent teachers keep me on my path; sitting under the bodhi tree and breathingmama meganhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14645799228169174507noreply@blogger.comBlogger62125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3312048384705385006.post-52040279628380507602019-01-11T13:48:00.003-08:002019-01-11T13:48:59.231-08:00I am alive!<br />
<br />
What an adventure this life has been and is and here i ams o many years later coming back to doing one of my favorite things!<br />
<br />
Writing!!!<br />
<br />
What has happened? how do i let it go for so long?<br />
I get wrapped up in the daily grind and i always choose laundry, bathrooms, meal prep and the incessant task of picking things up over what i need most- a creative outlet!<br />
<br />
I need this more than i can say and i know in this moment because i feel in the flow as i write. I dont even care if anybody reads this. It is just the release that is so damn therapeutic. AHHHH<br />
<br />
So here i am many years later and i have to live with the regret that i have barely written anything down about myself, my girls, their changes and accomplishments or even about the birth of my little boy nearly 3 years ago! Yup, i have three kiddos now and i have to say that YES they are the best part of life AND yes 3 is CRAZY! Someone once told that two is civilized and doable while three is over the edge and i have to agree. It's amazing and messy, fantastic and awful and sleepless and draining and too much and beautiful all rolled into one. And i can say this because i am trying to no longer sit with the shame and guilt and the desire to be perfect.<br />
I do have a desire to be the perfect mom who is always glowing in the light of her children, who can take it all and wake up every morning singing a new song and who whisks her children into the air with giggles and smiles and who shows them that their light is so bright that they can do anything.<br />
<br />
Well, guess what.<br />
<br />
There are those moments but more often these days i wake up cursing the day. Too early it tears me from my sanctuary in my covers before the break of dawn by by toddler. Ugh! Too often, i crave silence and staring into the void. I want a break , a breather, a time to call my own where I can listen to the voice inside who has become a hoarse whisper.<br />
<br />
For now, that shadow of myself whom i barely recognize will come back into the light and share in this little corner of the world. I will dust myself off and shine even for a moment.<br />
<br />
<br />mama meganhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14645799228169174507noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3312048384705385006.post-52651094077718771022014-12-23T15:21:00.004-08:002014-12-23T15:24:54.607-08:00my perfect holidayDid you all know that you can have a most perfect holiday with your precious family without making Christmas cookies?<br />
<br />
Well, I didn't know.<br />
<br />
I thought we had to make cookies with Christmas tree, train and elf cookie cutters with Christmas music playing in the background and while wearing our cute baking aprons.<br />
<br />
I thought this had to be done at least once during the holiday season in order for the holidays to feel special and complete.<br />
<br />
It was only til a moment ago that I found out that I can still have the most amazing, nourishing and meaningful Christmas with my young children without ever touching a cookie cutter.<br />
<br />
My mind is blown.<br />
<br />
I found out from a little sweet voice in my being that assured me that I do not have to accomplish anything to have a joyous, memorable time. WOA!<br />
<br />
I don't have to take my kids ice skating, i don't have to go to the nutcracker all dressed up and take pictures with the tall half wooden, half man nutcracker thing, I don't have to buy everybody their most desired item, I don't need to take staged photos to capture the en of this year or mail off the perfect photo card to everyone i know, I don't have to make envious meals and eat by candlelight laughing at old family tales, I don't have to have to have everything planned, i don't have to know anything,<br />
<br />
I DON'T HAVE TO DO<br />
ANYTHING THAT DOESN'T COME FROM<br />
A TRUE DESIRE FROM MY HEART,<br />
FROM MY ENTIRE BEING.<br />
<br />
Mind is blown,<br />
breath deepens<br />
and the TRUE joyous holiday ensues.mama meganhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14645799228169174507noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3312048384705385006.post-18020922622599877622014-04-24T19:02:00.000-07:002014-04-24T19:02:38.192-07:00To school or not to school, part 2<div style="text-align: center;">
My heart is aching so. oh, i hurts. I feel like i am in it deep with these mama decisions lately. It feels like the weight of the world is on me. I try to minimize them saying that either path, whichever one i choose will be the right one. I try to tell myself that the path our family takes will unravel exactly who we are supposed to be and then i feel it surge. i feel this enormous lion's roar ...it's like the undeniable rumble that probably started all sorts of revolutions. Its the one in me that screams "NOOOOOOO!" when i consider dropping my girls into the system. Its the voice that rises up and demands change. Change that tequires a courage like none other; a courage that defies all but one inner voice as well the voice of our culture at large.<br />
<br />
This small but clear voice is telling me not to take the road thoroughly paved. She's telling me not to send my kids to a mainstream school. She's telling me that there is another way, a better way. One that will allow them to perculate in their childhood longer than is allowed out there. one that will support them in finding their gifts in this life. She's reminding me of a way that feels distant but familiar somehow. This road was walked on before long ago when life was a bit slower, when there seemd to be time. Time to cultivate our gardens, our heats and our minds in a much deeper way than it is done now. She's telling me that we are living fully now and there is so much potential in staying the path less traveled.</div>
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mama meganhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14645799228169174507noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3312048384705385006.post-90328604138250150102014-03-21T19:29:00.004-07:002014-03-21T19:29:56.669-07:00Humanizing myselfThis evening as the girls were starting dinner I picked up a book that was on the table and closed my eyes and asked to be taken to a page that was right for me in this moment. The book is "Heaven on Earth" by Sharifa Oppenheimer which i used a lot when my oldest was even younger but havent looked at in many years. It is a treasure and proved itself again this evening. I turned to a page on telling stories, not only the soul quenching fairy tales of old but stories about me and my early days. Sharifa mentions to tell stories in sensory detail; tell of the textures, the sounds, the smells, of days we remember of our youth. Tell our children about the little things that we liked and didn't like, give them tastes for what it was like to be us and small and how we navigated our worlds.<br />
<br />
This reminds me now that Aiyana often ponders "i wonder what its like to be you, mama". So giving her these little stories of little mama megan is the tastiest little treat. I found that out tonight. I closed the book and started talking about "when i was little"......And the first thing that came to mind was what i got to eat when i visited my dad in Michigan in the summers. I told them that my mama and papa didn't live together and i got to fly from California to Michigan with my older sister and order anything I wanted on the plane and also at restaurants the entire summer with my dad. It felt sweet and tender to talk openly about my imperfect family situation. In that, it felt so perfect. No shame or wishing things were different even though i felt i had never been able to speak so openly about the dynamics growing up.<br />
<br />
I went on about my dilemma at most meals of whether to have the grilled cheese or the cheeseburger with french fries and ketchup. I reminded them that their Oma, at the time, was back in California and was a super healthy, wheat grass drinking vegetarian and I had an unrequited love for cheese. I told the girls that i drank a spicy pop called vernors almost everyday and many of these little things made my days special and easier to be away from my mom.<br />
<br />
I told them how my dad's shirts were so perfectly pressed and tucked into his shorts and his top siders were scuff free. I remembered how he smelled of fresh soap and cologne and how he always had extra baseball caps in his sparkling clean convertible to keep our hair from getting all tangled in the wind. I told them through teary eyes how i loved seeing my dad and how i felt like the whole world stopped when i was with him.<br />
<br />
When i put them to bed tonight they wanted more, especially my older one. "Tell me more about when you were little". I found it so nourishing for all of us. It felt good to remember.<br />
<br />
"The very best gift we can give our child is the gift of ourselves. One of the most satisfying ways we offer ourselves to our children is in telling them stories about ourselves......You can tell her silly little goofy things you like to do. It will make you that much more human." (page 137)<br />
<br />
So often in parenting we take on the role of the teacher, the guide, the healer, the knower of all....and what i love about this sweet practice is that in telling our children about "when we were little" we are telling them that we are on this journey together and that is so fortifying for us all.mama meganhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14645799228169174507noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3312048384705385006.post-38591802952936151622014-03-20T15:39:00.000-07:002014-03-20T15:39:07.891-07:00To school or not to schoolThe big question....to put my kids in public school or keep homeschooling them supplemented with their nature and performance based programs.<br />
<br />
I'm so confused. I have moments where I feel somewhat clear and then. I head straight back into the fog of uncertainty. My sweet precious girls are deep into their childhood and I mean deep. They are saturated with it....with all the great stuff that is old fashioned now.<br />
<br />
They play all day everyday and don't tire of creating their imaginative worlds, they play cars on the rocks outside with gnomie (our gnome statue) there guarding them, they talk about how sneaky hob goblins are and about how the fire spirits quicken the seeds underground this time of year. They search for treasures and stomp in the mud, they make up their own songs and put on performances. Their love for Mother Earth and all her magic is palpable.<br />
<br />
They have a beautiful innocence that I don't see as often as I'd like. They haven't experienced a lot of pressures, bullying, and overstimulation of ideas, noises and crowded classrooms. They are confident in their own circles and are surrounded by other kids and folks who also cherish the magic of a world unseen.<br />
<br />
I can see that many children do very well in a public school environment but I see a system that is broken, overcrowded, pressured by financing, testing, wages....I see a place that lacks in educating the whole child; an institution that is so concerned with plowing through material that it overlooks the hands, the heart and the soul of an individual. I just feel that our children and even us are capable of amazing things and most importantly capable of a life brimming with deep satisfaction, introspection and expressed joy. Don't you? But I feel that our education systems do not set our lives on this path.<br />
<br />
I have interacted with parents of public schooled kids and they are burnt out .....even the ones in first grade. They are thrilled for days off and holidays. My kids are super bummed spring break is coming and their programs will closed. Public schooled kids are often fried....overworked, and underplayed!<br />
<br />
My mind goes around and around.....and there are even days where I lean towards putting them in school....stay tuned.mama meganhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14645799228169174507noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3312048384705385006.post-76360055166695814652013-11-30T14:18:00.002-08:002013-11-30T14:18:29.415-08:00Self CareSlightly blurred vision, light headed, dry and cracking hands, oily massaged face, and yoga pants. I have cleaned the kitchen twice, taken a shower, given myself an oil massage, drank coffee, texted randomly, shopped online without a single checkout and have forgotten to eat lunch. My children and husband have been out of the hose since 10:30. It is now 2:30 and my heart is still racing (possibly from too much caffeine) trying to figure out how to relax and fully rejuvenate before they return, which at this point could be soon.<br />
<br />
So i find myself wiping the crumbs off the counter, sweeping the hall, putting a few things away, lying in bed for a few minutes and basically trying to stuff this solitude and peace down my throat til i feel it in my toes. AND IT DOES NOT WORK. I feel nothing.<br />
<br />
i think the real problem is that i have too many things to accomplish and sometimes i dont know where to start. I know that i need self care and that should be priority whenever i have moments alone and yet i also need to use the time to put our house back together after a long drawn out rebuild after the flood that began two and a half months ago. There are boxes in every room and random things scattered everywhere. I can hardly relax in this space and yet that is what my body and mind yearns for.<br />
<br />
A good question for all of us mamas: how do we care for ourselves, our bodies? What things make us feel juicy and loved? And how can we incorporate things daily into our lives? what small things can we do for ourselves that make the day sweeter?<br />
<br />
<br />mama meganhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14645799228169174507noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3312048384705385006.post-82187047330707860542012-05-30T20:01:00.001-07:002012-05-30T20:26:26.936-07:00the land of crank<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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I am drowning in mama overwhelm right now. it wasnt even a bad day. it was good. not great but good. i tried to keep myself in the background for the later part of the day especially after i saw that cranky inner witch poke her nose out. I yelled and rolled my eyes at aiayna . i dont even remember what it was about. Who's the child, here? I guess we both are. What a mix!<br />
<br />
When i am irritable, cranky, bitchy, and generally just off the girls sense it with their little energy antennae and they get all out of it,too. It's hell, really. Some days i just want to be out of it and stew in my misery but it makes it so hard when i have two little mirrors showing me just how heinous i really look.<br />
<br />
It's so hard to be in a pissy mood when you know that everything that comes out of your mouth can throw the whole family into the land of crank. It feels like SO much responsibility. I hold the balance of our family. Our moods are so hugely dependent on my energy and most definitely my reactions. if i am centered enough to hold the space for meltdowns, owies and screaming tantrums then they pass thru like a tornado. Horrible, but completely gone after their mess is done.<br />
<br />
BUT, when i am scrambling to pick up the pieces of my center and every whine feels like acid on a burn I crumble and then whole crew comes down with me.
They are watching me ALL the time. HUGE responsibility.......
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Yes, it's a ton of pressure, daily. Motherhood is a moment to moment in your face daily practice of letting your shit GO and looking in those little mirrors and admitting how ridiculous you can look.mama meganhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14645799228169174507noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3312048384705385006.post-50600089016953483672012-05-10T20:45:00.000-07:002012-05-30T20:23:24.537-07:00mama guilt<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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What is it that creeps over me like a plague, slumps my shoulders and sucks all my goodness right out of me? Oh, is that mama guilt? that intense feeling that comes when i am doing anything that might resemble something "just" for me? <br />
<br />
like sitting here at the computer in the daylight hours and NOT playing with my kids or cleaning the floors or preparing wholesome foods...i have this sick idea of what the perfect mother is. and i get so frustrated that she is impossible for me to live up to. I dont know where it comes from or how it snuck itself into my head. but its there and it sucks!<br />
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there are actually certain mamas that host certain blogs that i cannot even look at because they portray themselves as that perfect matriarch with those sweet kids , that great house on all that land with all her freshly baked bread and crafty cuteness. i love it so much that i can't stand it!mama meganhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14645799228169174507noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3312048384705385006.post-24634949420216494222012-05-07T14:11:00.000-07:002012-11-07T14:13:37.618-08:00weaning the littlestShe is curled up in her bed while i caress her big sister to sleep. she didnt want me to snuggle her tonight.<br />
first time ever...she always wants me. strange. its another phase in her process of letting go of her babyhood, i suppose.<br />
today is monday and she had her "last nurse" on friday night. it is so bittersweet for me. i have been wanting to wean for several months now. she loves the boob so much but about half the time we nursed i felt so irritable like i wanted to flick her off.<br />
terrible, i know.<br />
so, i knew our time was drawing to an end.
on saturday we made a big deal of her first day of being a big girl. she got a "big girl" water bottle and i baked her a cake and we even got a few balloons at her request. i told her how proud of her i am and she said, "i'm not going to cry, i'm not going to be sad, i am going to be happy".<br />
hmmm, i loved her attitude but of course it didnt last too long ;)
i thought maybe i would let her nurse til she weaned herself but knowing her, she would nurse til she was 8! the last 8 months have been just for nap, bed and if i am lounging in my bed in the morning.<br />
so, it wasnt on demand, thank god!<br />
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My body is ready to be mine...all mine again.mama meganhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14645799228169174507noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3312048384705385006.post-89613542559571650172012-04-28T21:00:00.000-07:002012-05-30T20:12:22.387-07:00cooking like a supermomI feel like a super mom on the days when i have projects going, bread baking, soup simmering and i have not let myself get all wound up with every little tantrum.<br /><br />Most of all, I really feel pretty darn amazing when i cook great, nourishing food for my family. I have been loving to cook lately. I don't necessarily like doing it 3 times a day 7 days a week but i thoroughly enjoy about half of those. I have been wanting to delve into one cuisine maybe for two weeks or so and just really explore the flavors. Not sure where to begin. maybe indian, thai, mexican?????
I have to figure out how to set this up simply, so i dont fail. I usually get totally inspired to create these magnificent meals and then 2 days later i am staring into the fridge not knowing what in the world to feed my children.mama meganhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14645799228169174507noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3312048384705385006.post-70630339397369863112012-04-04T21:30:00.000-07:002012-05-30T20:05:18.203-07:00who am i, anyway?I have never thought of myself as controlling. i am soft, easy-going, flexible...right? Hmmm...well, the other day a dear friend was told by another that she is too hard on herself and those around her. <br /><br />All night and day these words repeated themselves in a whisper simmering deeper and deeper thru the layers of my psyche until i felt a release, an admittance. <br /><br />thank you. this has been me. I feel there is a part of me that is so rigid. so stuck. so scared that i might lose my hold on myself, my children, my household, my health, my beliefs.....I dont think i have always been this way. i dont think it's my natural way but somewhere on my life's journey i stiffened up; traded my magic wand for a sharp-edged sword. <br /><br />its subtle. meeting me and even being a close friend you might not see this, it may even surprise you that this rigidity is such a tethered core in my being holding me together. hmmmmmmama meganhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14645799228169174507noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3312048384705385006.post-55901150704365616672012-01-08T10:37:00.000-08:002012-01-08T11:40:39.132-08:00alone time<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgrYLQMS8-MGe4tx-D8RO7ZEFaunkaU7ETi83CsgKPsk_IOUpUHaeztXvYHFtfne84ZPjsbXJzQKZaSAcnsADQUzdFmqrPcdWoNmpelrLhZc61skEkGGBwYr434ANqQBY_8j9tOEqs6RGI/s400/edward_cucuel.jpg"><img style="float:left; margin:0 10px 10px 0;cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;width: 400px; height: 342px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgrYLQMS8-MGe4tx-D8RO7ZEFaunkaU7ETi83CsgKPsk_IOUpUHaeztXvYHFtfne84ZPjsbXJzQKZaSAcnsADQUzdFmqrPcdWoNmpelrLhZc61skEkGGBwYr434ANqQBY_8j9tOEqs6RGI/s400/edward_cucuel.jpg" border="0" alt="" /></a><br />There is a light dusting of snow on the ground this morning. It looks pretty from inside my little home with my hot coffee steaming next to me. <br /><br />papa took the girls to a birthday party this morning so i have a couple of hours to myself. it's quiet. i can hear the heat blowing from the vents. strange. i have a million ideas of what i can do with this time and as i sit here i see the minutes ticking by and a brief panic washes over.<br /><br />i want to relax, feel nourished, get energized and do nothing all at the same time.....maybe read a book, take a nap, talk to a friend, take a bath, go on a walk, get my dried paints and lonely brushes out, write here in this dusty blog, eat, drink more coffee and give myself a facial....and the clock keeps ticking and stealing away my precious minutes alone. <br /><br />i even pondered going with them today. i kinda didnt want to miss the cuteness of it all. i like watching my girl's reactions to new experiences, i like to witness their joy and see their smiles and their delight. I dont like to miss any of it and i havent missed much in the last 5 years. but now i realize that its time to miss some of those moments because it is only then that i can catch glimpses of a woman i once knew.<br /><br />the mama mask can sit on the shelf for a few luscious moments and i will only be the better for it.mama meganhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14645799228169174507noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3312048384705385006.post-53284174427082981852011-09-23T13:37:00.000-07:002011-09-23T14:32:09.705-07:00"does that tree feel fall too mama?"<a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="http://t1.gstatic.com/images?q=tbn:ANd9GcR6T3BKrPIpRXdg6UyXnFs8BVXcmkEO6S1ehr_7p-fVBAhzoCFx"><img style="float:left; margin:0 10px 10px 0;cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;width: 284px; height: 177px;" src="http://t1.gstatic.com/images?q=tbn:ANd9GcR6T3BKrPIpRXdg6UyXnFs8BVXcmkEO6S1ehr_7p-fVBAhzoCFx" border="0" alt="" /></a><br />Sitting here with the smell of squash, sage and onions roasting in the oven. mmmmmmmmm fall. I haven't experienced fall for 3 years! the changing of the leaves from green to yellow, red, orange, the soft light in the afternoon, the crisp air in the morning and night (well, actually the freezing air!) I love it all. my body is soaking this up and melting into this change. We are all "feeling fall" and starting to show our softer colors, our deepest hues.<div><br /></div><div>yay, hibernation is right around the corner and oh do i need this. I'm not fooling myself....i know there is not going to be much down time with two littles in the house but the energy is different in the winter; its slower, quieter, less is expected, less goes on. this time brings about the desire to bake, drink tea, stare off into the trees, draw, tell longer stories, snuggle more, love longer. </div><div><br /></div><div>i feel full of joy for this experience, this time, this place, my family, the love, the mess, the joy. <br /><div><br /></div></div>mama meganhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14645799228169174507noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3312048384705385006.post-38011105368671150802011-09-21T20:39:00.001-07:002011-09-21T21:07:23.450-07:00going numbMy tendency is to go numb whenever there is alot going on emotionally for me. I go on auto pilot taking care of all my family duties blindly but my essence is stuck somewhere hovering inches above my body and i just do what i have to to get by day to day. <div><br /></div><div>I do all that i can to keep myself from entering this hole of unknown gunk...the emotional laundry that has been piling up for weeks now...months probably. In my moments alone I eat, i clean, i watch movies, browse the internet, drown myself in worry and guilt for all the things i do wrong as a mother....really i stuff my head, my heart, my face with anything that can take away the blinding fact that there are tender spots inside me that need tending to.</div><div><br /></div><div>Why am i so resistant to taking care of myself? yes, i give non-stop all day long to my children so the moment i leave their room at night i crave a quick fix, something that will momentarily quench the thirst for true connection; chocolate, wine, pastries, stupid tv shows, internet shopping.....My energy is spent, my reserves are empty. But is that excuse enough? I want to be a mother more than anything else in this life but i also want to find that sweet balance where i have space to shine no matter what is going on within my household.</div><div><br /></div><div>I know what i need. i need hot baths, facials, quiet reading time, meditation, yoga, walks, sleep. Any one of these on a daily basis would slowly start to take the tip off the mountain of self-neglect. But even though i "know" what i need i usually choose the quick fix. what's wrong with me? how do i get ahead just enough so i have the energy to give back to myself?</div><div><br /></div><div>well, even as i write this i feel my breath deepen and a familiar part of me awaken. it has been too long....this time away. how can i as a mother not disappear as a woman? and maybe even blossom and thrive? is it possible to be the kind of mother i am and want to be <b>and</b> be fully my<b>self? </b>hmmmm. </div>mama meganhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14645799228169174507noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3312048384705385006.post-53650315281420633642011-08-31T16:21:00.000-07:002011-08-31T16:40:23.255-07:00landingWe arrived here in Boulder 4 weeks ago already. I am so in love with the smells, the feel here. i feel comfortable... at peace and so grateful that this place is my home. what a life i have! <div>
<br /></div><div>the food at the stores, the organics, the baked goods, the take out places...oh my! I love that i can get to the store in 2 minutes and get all the things i have been dreaming about for 2 years! the body care, the supplements, the coconut ice creams! i really have to limit my trips out because i just want everything! <div>
<br /><div>It's a bit overwhelming at the same time. i feel like a kid in a candy store who is getting all she wants and is about to freak out in tantrum. I havent had the space to process any of this. the move. the newness. the familiar. our old house. old friends. with 2 kids i focus solely on getting us all clothed, fed, hugged, walked, rested. i dont know how to take moments to let this all soak in. or maybe i do but for some reason i am wearing water repellent gear and none of it is getting in. </div><div>
<br /></div><div>I want to lie down in this place and wrap the streets, the trees, the people, the food, the air, the rain all around my body so tightly until i feel satiated. I want to land in this place and i dont know how to make that happen. I feel spacey and scattered. and maybe that's ok for now. maybe that's just what is and the rest will come.</div></div></div>mama meganhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14645799228169174507noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3312048384705385006.post-54438679161032088742011-08-27T14:15:00.000-07:002012-01-08T12:52:04.011-08:00the settling<a href="http://www.coloradosbestbroker.com/artman/uploads/boulderflatirons.jpg"><img style="float:left; margin:0 10px 10px 0;cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;width: 200px; height: 233px;" src="http://www.coloradosbestbroker.com/artman/uploads/boulderflatirons.jpg" border="0" alt="" /></a><br /><br />We arrived in Boulder one month ago already. the time has flown and yet my panama existence seems far far away. I close my eyes and try to put myself back there with all the smells, sights and feelings of that time but the picture is getting less and less clear. It feels so much like home here i just want to lie down and wrap myself up in this place. I feel so at peace and so grateful for being here now.<div><br /></div><div>I love everything here. i know this fresh look may fade but for now i am like a kid in a candy store. I walk around town with eyes wide open amazed at the simplicity and ease that this city holds.</div>mama meganhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14645799228169174507noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3312048384705385006.post-60185572847697835042011-07-04T11:18:00.000-07:002011-07-04T13:44:21.683-07:00Panama Tour: Isla Contadora<div style="text-align: center;"><br /></div><div style="text-align: center;">Our Papa-day/Abel bday weekend getaway to Isla Contadora, one of the 100 Pearl Islands off Panama's pacific coast...50 miles from the city</div><div style="text-align: center;"><br /></div><div style="text-align: center;">we took the ferry at 8 am...a bit early for us but we made it!</div><br /><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiPDTdBfblbcEWr2uaAEq6ywC3j5mHp_xIK7SZaPG75MtYnJ4Q-n_L_pk416bQpcXx28unEXccKrVx3tEeVQB5mt4-qukShHtr-mqFFKVttcQ6edHIQHolgaATFR7O5y4brRlwVa8suXsyr/s1600/Panama+June+2011+001.JPG" onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}"><img style="display:block; margin:0px auto 10px; text-align:center;cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;width: 400px; height: 300px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiPDTdBfblbcEWr2uaAEq6ywC3j5mHp_xIK7SZaPG75MtYnJ4Q-n_L_pk416bQpcXx28unEXccKrVx3tEeVQB5mt4-qukShHtr-mqFFKVttcQ6edHIQHolgaATFR7O5y4brRlwVa8suXsyr/s400/Panama+June+2011+001.JPG" border="0" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5623095035117992370" /></a><br /><div style="text-align: center;">it was a totally smooth ride on a new, clean catamaran </div><div style="text-align: center;">$78 roundtrip p/person</div><div><div style="text-align: center;">one and a half hour ride</div><div style="text-align: center;">(and yes, aiyana is wearing long sleeves and layers in this heat....it's what she does and i choose my battles)</div><div style="text-align: center;"><br /></div><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjZIgcNi96k3M1vqCnGGwUAlx-Dm1clw6NlQCU2WsOAI66PGg7rS73-8Tf3y8NBhwJzX6xJ_kk9yMVsCqrrtnsNB38Ei5jjwZP3FKXtrBDY2X8kidoucgUaRFviAGYQ1XZ7b6RwT4lcNo2Z/s1600/Panama+June+2011+012.JPG" onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}"><img style="display:block; margin:0px auto 10px; text-align:center;cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;width: 400px; height: 300px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjZIgcNi96k3M1vqCnGGwUAlx-Dm1clw6NlQCU2WsOAI66PGg7rS73-8Tf3y8NBhwJzX6xJ_kk9yMVsCqrrtnsNB38Ei5jjwZP3FKXtrBDY2X8kidoucgUaRFviAGYQ1XZ7b6RwT4lcNo2Z/s400/Panama+June+2011+012.JPG" border="0" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5623095042042346962" /></a><div style="text-align: center;">my little cutie sportin her pink panama hat</div><div style="text-align: center;"><br /></div><div style="text-align: center;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: rgb(0, 0, 238); -webkit-text-decorations-in-effect: underline; "><img src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhJvxckiaNpYjnPLcFerwNO9LD4j9g6TdRifVVIvy_mngC1xQV1WIQ-_C4-eQCjS9At0apfZb5cgv_2rK3xWWBL1gmp1wfavZMJbG64LX7pQhPos54om4G9zMqnJcloQrfj3Vbi0urMSRFS/s400/Panama+June+2011+313.JPG" border="0" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5625591069202903666" style="display: block; margin-top: 0px; margin-right: auto; margin-bottom: 10px; margin-left: auto; text-align: center; cursor: pointer; width: 400px; height: 300px; " /></span></div><div style="text-align: center;">once we got the island we had to take a little boat to the sand...no piers...and the water?...well....ya</div><div><br /></div><div style="text-align: center;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: rgb(0, 0, 238); -webkit-text-decorations-in-effect: underline; "><img src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgeo_N5TR6J7KJnPcmKRwOADvQd_HQXKrJrCeno1Mk7Il4Mw-ZfFM59pz2k7Ej5XpfT6LJTXXFYcFVAY0_885leSSZPG4vsd5Nt3UAw2G-8Ac0cojlhPzW6wYqrYZLiSUFpF77zcLfFD-Pm/s400/Panama+June+2011+311.JPG" border="0" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5625591819651259410" style="display: block; margin-top: 0px; margin-right: auto; margin-bottom: 10px; margin-left: auto; text-align: center; cursor: pointer; width: 400px; height: 300px; " /></span></div><div style="text-align: center;">we stayed at Villa Romantica which has one of the best locations on the island but desperately needs a little remodeling help</div><div style="text-align: center;"><br /></div><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiwYp9KIBkNfjceVArN9r63sFLS0B319kB4wcHmSObBC2LetzzDXF9E58DFx2k45jSuaBWJjZLVz6jyVZS0A8Z6KUwoByJ-XWdvQgz_x_drgABXdNwhq-gGTJ1iy1yzLxMNIDjxHRDfdapG/s1600/Panama+June+2011+058.JPG" onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}"><img style="display:block; margin:0px auto 10px; text-align:center;cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;width: 300px; height: 400px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiwYp9KIBkNfjceVArN9r63sFLS0B319kB4wcHmSObBC2LetzzDXF9E58DFx2k45jSuaBWJjZLVz6jyVZS0A8Z6KUwoByJ-XWdvQgz_x_drgABXdNwhq-gGTJ1iy1yzLxMNIDjxHRDfdapG/s400/Panama+June+2011+058.JPG" border="0" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5623095059553659858" /></a><div style="text-align: center;"><br /></div><div style="text-align: center;">and the perfect view from our window...we napped with the doors wide open listening to nothing but the lapping of the waves...and i fell asleep wondering if i might just turn into an island gypsy</div><div style="text-align: center;"><br /></div><div><div style="text-align: center;"><img src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgAEizX2-DDUDnVIz5npUVksAYJsw5zy7Gurn12RrcDxCij3smUDq2tyt0AK8z8ZMsYpy22PNaNHmGUvRj9cdJXtkwziQ_ft3-B7As9OD350Vwt4OeWnNF4t4VqRrN_y234z-nFnU1aX8FT/s400/Panama+June+2011+063.JPG" /></div><div style="text-align: center;"><br /></div><div style="text-align: center;">and to keep the littles occupied they had a huge chess set</div><br /><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgtLJ_fPU3aRSnwpv3kxl1Dts3RrF4YasXUx7y9SuqdNiZ9N2-9Wigx4fzzy6kfxxC3uxhoqimiIbtleNN68mK7Tgmu5FcAIEW7TYv-_96AHSVFEb62g_zyM09K7tkQk4NN5nBTrp-kaZZj/s1600/Panama+June+2011+029.JPG" onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}"><img style="display:block; margin:0px auto 10px; text-align:center;cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;width: 400px; height: 300px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgtLJ_fPU3aRSnwpv3kxl1Dts3RrF4YasXUx7y9SuqdNiZ9N2-9Wigx4fzzy6kfxxC3uxhoqimiIbtleNN68mK7Tgmu5FcAIEW7TYv-_96AHSVFEb62g_zyM09K7tkQk4NN5nBTrp-kaZZj/s400/Panama+June+2011+029.JPG" border="0" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5623095045911169314" /></a><div style="text-align: center;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="-webkit-text-decorations-in-effect: underline; ">we left our perfect little beach and decided to walk around and find another through the thick rain forest</span></div><div style="text-align: center;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: rgb(0, 0, 238); -webkit-text-decorations-in-effect: underline; "><br /></span></div><div style="text-align: center;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: rgb(0, 0, 238); "><img src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhO-iR2mj3MWKND8T67B-cx8PrE10b7D4fLP3iQN7mSuJdHFmXQ23cNLs1SaCnx_vNeDFrdh7_jU7xcBnFssj6QtTMoZXk0AqCbrPiJfdQ_jONknVA-Yaw_ShE81FKoiKCFNYAqpIhQgoNO/s400/Panama+June+2011+117.JPG" border="0" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5625577410732837442" style="display: block; margin-top: 0px; margin-right: auto; margin-bottom: 10px; margin-left: auto; text-align: center; cursor: pointer; width: 400px; height: 300px; " /></span></div><div style="text-align: center;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="-webkit-text-decorations-in-effect: underline; ">and down a little road until....</span></div><div style="text-align: center;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: rgb(0, 0, 238); -webkit-text-decorations-in-effect: underline; "><br /></span></div><div style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhbq_RQ9jP33Lsp1hp0hMIPPngU05YXC-GevExnapLMN_EDAOUIdDm28z2SjTMstwv8F5BiGctaB_Fgm2qNWbVaqRaOXOtPFZq4c96pkaMk40yyNIzSdYq-d43IMjCf8euD7WTb1N3h66Z8/s1600/Panama+June+2011+112.JPG" onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}"><img src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhbq_RQ9jP33Lsp1hp0hMIPPngU05YXC-GevExnapLMN_EDAOUIdDm28z2SjTMstwv8F5BiGctaB_Fgm2qNWbVaqRaOXOtPFZq4c96pkaMk40yyNIzSdYq-d43IMjCf8euD7WTb1N3h66Z8/s400/Panama+June+2011+112.JPG" border="0" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5625577406890386674" style="display: block; margin-top: 0px; margin-right: auto; margin-bottom: 10px; margin-left: auto; text-align: center; cursor: pointer; width: 300px; height: 400px; " /></a></div><div style="text-align: center;">we found another little piece of paradise</div><div style="text-align: center;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: rgb(0, 0, 238); -webkit-text-decorations-in-effect: underline; "><br /></span></div><div style="text-align: center;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: rgb(0, 0, 238); -webkit-text-decorations-in-effect: underline; "><img src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh4AYWmgD0PUdNV1xAcEHlqckc6IAXmXldaczuMybld_42V-tuJ3Q8D253glsy_nUzG7GWRRl3uhG49wSxjBr96uGOecbUET6HY1y6x6FnkuL5jnJI4t6J13S513f3DB5spPaabNsOgKBrn/s400/Panama+June+2011+240.JPG" border="0" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5625588676012670786" style="display: block; margin-top: 0px; margin-right: auto; margin-bottom: 10px; margin-left: auto; text-align: center; cursor: pointer; width: 400px; height: 300px; " /></span></div><div style="text-align: center;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="-webkit-text-decorations-in-effect: underline; ">and played in the tiny little waves and soaked up the ocean air and a bit too much sun</span></div><br /><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh5iGFpsaV3BGQ9pNRB6ZWjNdBRYW83cMxG8dTztzMnuFdwsO-hjLtSLSZdefjvq-5KF0P8aGCf-NgASz23GhD2vj5Bqy6tmAmOrY2Hm7UFtUC5PzzXDKdEPrp49IOqWec-tV1U3qlqhd2J/s1600/Panama+June+2011+205.JPG" onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}"><img src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh5iGFpsaV3BGQ9pNRB6ZWjNdBRYW83cMxG8dTztzMnuFdwsO-hjLtSLSZdefjvq-5KF0P8aGCf-NgASz23GhD2vj5Bqy6tmAmOrY2Hm7UFtUC5PzzXDKdEPrp49IOqWec-tV1U3qlqhd2J/s400/Panama+June+2011+205.JPG" border="0" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5625588663084527090" style="display: block; margin-top: 0px; margin-right: auto; margin-bottom: 10px; margin-left: auto; text-align: center; cursor: pointer; width: 400px; height: 300px; " /></a><div style="text-align: center;">there was a little river that ran to the sea where satya compiled her treasures</div><div style="text-align: center;"><br /></div><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgmUB9Xwl198Vz-X7KRpi9Deciv5WruXWofSrit5l6FDpikD8eZPw4FQrZJjfdMRRjL4bH8YTl24ER7mHbv9Z2ayhqOTr7zjohlr8KPaf05SpZCfv-Kd8aquaNjeW706Ce6laCb_khvssaf/s1600/Panama+June+2011+175.JPG" onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}"><img src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgmUB9Xwl198Vz-X7KRpi9Deciv5WruXWofSrit5l6FDpikD8eZPw4FQrZJjfdMRRjL4bH8YTl24ER7mHbv9Z2ayhqOTr7zjohlr8KPaf05SpZCfv-Kd8aquaNjeW706Ce6laCb_khvssaf/s400/Panama+June+2011+175.JPG" border="0" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5625588653185285154" style="display: block; margin-top: 0px; margin-right: auto; margin-bottom: 10px; margin-left: auto; text-align: center; cursor: pointer; width: 300px; height: 400px; " /></a><br /><div style="text-align: center;">and aiyana basked in her perfect "papa-day" (as she calls the weekends)</div><div style="text-align: center;"><br /></div><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgCRxvNuTubknT1b8DwrXNT0OEWFn7YsgweRCiAhLfEwa6cOaDuMjJxTQZ12Ghu3JRxyGAg9w8vAqQmfQz6YvnWjZywOvnzgsHwGPZUKULstfSTFQKPjM6vM4BifqTRB5qX7foEC1VegFPe/s1600/Panama+June+2011+166.JPG" onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}"><img src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgCRxvNuTubknT1b8DwrXNT0OEWFn7YsgweRCiAhLfEwa6cOaDuMjJxTQZ12Ghu3JRxyGAg9w8vAqQmfQz6YvnWjZywOvnzgsHwGPZUKULstfSTFQKPjM6vM4BifqTRB5qX7foEC1VegFPe/s400/Panama+June+2011+166.JPG" border="0" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5625588649364336738" style="display: block; margin-top: 0px; margin-right: auto; margin-bottom: 10px; margin-left: auto; text-align: center; cursor: pointer; width: 400px; height: 300px; " /></a><div style="text-align: center;"><br /></div><div style="text-align: center;">and i fully inhaled the serenity of escaping from the city to a most magical place even if just for a night</div><div style="text-align: center;"><br /></div><div style="text-align: center;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: rgb(0, 0, 238); -webkit-text-decorations-in-effect: underline; "><img src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgYwo_92kmPRxcl-_lPFttzOWrsnDJawsQXsWCQrOugwVjeTEwH1Rjh3bvjgPh2PbgmmeNEMPWj8DilSxfknWLneyHXeGn3nDMQWQaw2YhfXu7cGTGnS4qm_gaFyn0ceFcsxRx0Q2QoSTyb/s400/Panama+June+2011+263.JPG" border="0" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5625596781874304834" style="display: block; margin-top: 0px; margin-right: auto; margin-bottom: 10px; margin-left: auto; text-align: center; cursor: pointer; width: 400px; height: 300px; " /></span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: rgb(0, 0, 238); -webkit-text-decorations-in-effect: underline; "><br /></span></div><div style="text-align: center;">and i soaked in those sweet moments when life feels complete and sweet and where i have to stop myself from gobling up these delicious babes</div></div><div><br /><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjyPFyVbIYct3Gox6xQwS7DeHkoskEYem3PN3ii_DMjZvOJQdr7U9qA54auEQww0hzP1CrUTd2uQnks-8RXPPZWqpxYIxSwPZ3R3bTsoKdPKLjcysRA1wOtgqAS2XtR-7W_YNl9x3WVTWI4/s1600/Panama+June+2011+145.JPG" onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}"><img src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjyPFyVbIYct3Gox6xQwS7DeHkoskEYem3PN3ii_DMjZvOJQdr7U9qA54auEQww0hzP1CrUTd2uQnks-8RXPPZWqpxYIxSwPZ3R3bTsoKdPKLjcysRA1wOtgqAS2XtR-7W_YNl9x3WVTWI4/s400/Panama+June+2011+145.JPG" border="0" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5625588643754129634" style="display: block; margin-top: 0px; margin-right: auto; margin-bottom: 10px; margin-left: auto; text-align: center; cursor: pointer; width: 400px; height: 300px; " /></a><br /><div style="text-align: center;">and then we walked back</div><div style="text-align: center;"><br /></div><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgByXN3WgBkw0zZveCDVkl2LOppVoTZ2iiRvHvGIbynzAoxaCYjLEkDdcTJPsHKYyfnCwL6lMZr2q5bWWlRgrsnZh-SwIXjqmK6CU1gQayCLuw1LWFF99q-UG-YS28XZfxHP6KAxYkGO9Qb/s1600/Panama+June+2011+119.JPG" onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}"><img src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgByXN3WgBkw0zZveCDVkl2LOppVoTZ2iiRvHvGIbynzAoxaCYjLEkDdcTJPsHKYyfnCwL6lMZr2q5bWWlRgrsnZh-SwIXjqmK6CU1gQayCLuw1LWFF99q-UG-YS28XZfxHP6KAxYkGO9Qb/s400/Panama+June+2011+119.JPG" border="0" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5625577428002905842" style="display: block; margin-top: 0px; margin-right: auto; margin-bottom: 10px; margin-left: auto; text-align: center; cursor: pointer; width: 300px; height: 400px; " /></a><div style="text-align: center;">and ate and breathed in our last moments of our little isla getaway</div><div style="text-align: left;"><br /></div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: rgb(0, 0, 238); -webkit-text-decorations-in-effect: underline; "><img src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgcdoiQAj3WE3-wJgOW6N4-R0kTfdT31JyQ-oi2A48aeaIQKQawoZH1GmyxcVFZ-HSvNnCnROgacuH9Ssy7bBUEbtRW7CrjurxZZLQ7gIg5Gr7nCX8pxxM7LkbvADv_WbplggWq830MoAMQ/s400/Panama+June+2011+041.JPG" border="0" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5625596771046236722" style="display: block; margin-top: 0px; margin-right: auto; margin-bottom: 10px; margin-left: auto; text-align: center; cursor: pointer; width: 300px; height: 400px; " /></span></div><div><div style="text-align: center;"><span class="Apple-style-span"><br /></span></div><br /><div style="text-align: center;"><br /></div><br /><div style="text-align: center;"><br /></div></div></div>mama meganhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14645799228169174507noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3312048384705385006.post-63062673725282503482011-06-30T22:29:00.000-07:002011-06-30T20:56:46.138-07:00the agony of thoughtI have stood in the open door of the fridge so many times in the last few days munching on a chunk of hazelnut chocolate, then a chunk of cheese, then a pickle, then a chunk of bread, some carrots, a tomato..maybe more chocolate and then a few spoonfulls of strawberry ice cream (haagan dazs of course). I stuff my face for a few minutes then walk away as if that's gonna solve things....as if all those yummies will stuff me enough to quiet my mind just for a few minutes.<br /><br />Every time i go to the chinese doc here the receptionist translates his mandarin to her spanese telling me not to think so much. I knowingly nod because its so true....my mind doesnt stop! i think about everything and then i think about how much i'm thinking. Several times a day i have to intentionally close my eyes, breath deeply and visualize my thoughts streaming out of my ears just to create some space.<br /><br />Its no wonder that all that is going on right now has spun me into a whirlwind of "what-ifs" and fantasies about so many different ways my life could go right now. You see, i have been begging the universe to let me go home since we moved here. I have been waiting for my life to pick back up where i left it 2 years ago. I gave birth to my sweet #2, packed our bags and left all behind that created my little nest. The postpartum hormones and the shock of facing life in a foreign country has never really worn off. And I just purchased one way tickets back home but the days prior i was a wreck and still am.<br /><br />I have lived and lost myself in the day to day of raising two spirited little ones and i have loved my moments with them but i have always wished that i was home. I have kept buried in my heart this yearning on an almost daily basis. And yet these past few days i have considered prolonging this adventure for practical reasons or maybe just for some sort of masochistic high.<br /><br />there <span style="font-style:italic;">are</span> moments here that are so magical and that match very near to what i thought my paradise was that i find myself adrift quite a different fantasy. one where i find my peace right here in the rain forest eating mangoes and building fairy houses out of sea shells with my girls. I find these moments invigorating and very confusing as if hating every minute would be easier....more in line with my plan <span style="font-style:italic;">to go home</span>. <div><br /><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg3tVJHKSSxn7NcEGDE5MTzEHgvHL9UKokbmEzmOkTpw7GoOrGtNSqI5EN_n9PCo6qmfyO5LdYNeGGWLxMx57S55oNWE5LsKpfO1sKhOAz7bKrsdkhfnp5YX59MZSYkqWoNJV36T8_vYVDn/s1600/Panama+June+2011+209.JPG" onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}"><img style="display:block; margin:0px auto 10px; text-align:center;cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;width: 400px; height: 300px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg3tVJHKSSxn7NcEGDE5MTzEHgvHL9UKokbmEzmOkTpw7GoOrGtNSqI5EN_n9PCo6qmfyO5LdYNeGGWLxMx57S55oNWE5LsKpfO1sKhOAz7bKrsdkhfnp5YX59MZSYkqWoNJV36T8_vYVDn/s400/Panama+June+2011+209.JPG" border="0" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5624208050115269794" /></a><br />honestly, i don't like the daily grind here. i dont think that i have kept that a mystery. As i'm sure i have mentioned before, it is so damn hot that all my inspiration and drive melts off my body 5 minutes after i wake up. I swear this is probably the biggest problem.</div><div><br /><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg7ntPIe-py9tG8y4p4m0C9GMl9H0eYpLJ6r-GuQq7gPHG_KTOd4nLc4xmSgkGCO2kvgjblRtdyXrw03za2V0Jetmi61ybacJm-aWNxfuyGDOduyuIUBN8xuR2kqlOendD_UPwDo4n0Vj4i/s1600/Spring+2011+107.JPG" onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}"><img style="display:block; margin:0px auto 10px; text-align:center;cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;width: 400px; height: 300px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg7ntPIe-py9tG8y4p4m0C9GMl9H0eYpLJ6r-GuQq7gPHG_KTOd4nLc4xmSgkGCO2kvgjblRtdyXrw03za2V0Jetmi61ybacJm-aWNxfuyGDOduyuIUBN8xuR2kqlOendD_UPwDo4n0Vj4i/s400/Spring+2011+107.JPG" border="0" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5624191193328247874" /></a><br />Ya, there's that plus 80-90% humidity non stop!<br /><br />And then there's the whole latin-ness of this city. the sheer overwhelm that is the streets. It's the noise, the exhaust.....<br /><br /><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEijzQddYByGU_cYYcvvP5E_0qNksuZA6EyFmLB6hYh4meS_-GEVaphdlA8J62CGMARfUsadz0X3qH_tQ9y3QFaNxRVdqNrA57cHKiO7E16u0iw500Y3Lt8nsRDIXkfRI_kSGsTfzBjHBXdA/s1600/january+2011+021.JPG" onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}"><img style="display:block; margin:0px auto 10px; text-align:center;cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;width: 400px; height: 300px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEijzQddYByGU_cYYcvvP5E_0qNksuZA6EyFmLB6hYh4meS_-GEVaphdlA8J62CGMARfUsadz0X3qH_tQ9y3QFaNxRVdqNrA57cHKiO7E16u0iw500Y3Lt8nsRDIXkfRI_kSGsTfzBjHBXdA/s400/january+2011+021.JPG" border="0" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5624191185783445298" /></a><br />the poverty, the wealth and the crazy gap between that is too disturbing to my hippie self who wants justice for all.<br /><br /><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgzytjDKs8nNl1745HsM1R6i6LukTDW3AFyppfIzh57jptlqBUM3BiVAEz2znaUOdLm6YikeWpOC-W94mpIdpW9WXSiG2OuSExC4gio-1eDA6su9Km0Q32NyKyjiSE9P9zUeh_tLa8wYl6T/s1600/no+se+136.JPG" onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}"><img style="display:block; margin:0px auto 10px; text-align:center;cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;width: 400px; height: 300px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgzytjDKs8nNl1745HsM1R6i6LukTDW3AFyppfIzh57jptlqBUM3BiVAEz2znaUOdLm6YikeWpOC-W94mpIdpW9WXSiG2OuSExC4gio-1eDA6su9Km0Q32NyKyjiSE9P9zUeh_tLa8wYl6T/s400/no+se+136.JPG" border="0" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5624198079830572626" /></a><br /><br /><br /><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgXZtQc0II4xoHj4LBa85FmdipLQCPog_BDRPfkzhZokV49gb4loXGQre6zrxMgwLhYe-TIiaeK0ClmudkR1pW7yMGqHqved38IxE6M_W2-vmIspXH3hThL8XnEK9FbybGDWqh6EiLvS_Zk/s1600/january+2011+011.JPG" onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}"><img style="display:block; margin:0px auto 10px; text-align:center;cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;width: 400px; height: 300px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgXZtQc0II4xoHj4LBa85FmdipLQCPog_BDRPfkzhZokV49gb4loXGQre6zrxMgwLhYe-TIiaeK0ClmudkR1pW7yMGqHqved38IxE6M_W2-vmIspXH3hThL8XnEK9FbybGDWqh6EiLvS_Zk/s400/january+2011+011.JPG" border="0" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5624208045473068850" /></a><br />What's strange to me is that it's hard to leave. It's so many things. it's the simple fact that moving a family is a big deal but i can feel much more complex stirrings going on inside of me. the "hardships" of this place has been such good fodder for my complaints and my stuckedness. And now, with "paradise" at my fingertips i will have to be responsible for my happiness and what if it doesnt just come when i step off the plane like those little purple pills? And what am i giving up by not forging on here? How will i survive in the desert, in the snow? What will i do without the ocean and the sand and the tropical fruits? How will i build what i think i want? what if this idea i have of home is just in my mind?<br /><br />....oh there is so much more but i just got tired and brain is shutting down.....for now.</div>mama meganhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14645799228169174507noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3312048384705385006.post-56241492872242422752011-06-29T17:34:00.000-07:002012-01-08T12:54:24.073-08:00tidbitsone<br />I have had too many things renting space in my head and i have gone so far away from writing that i forget what peace it brings me to throw my thoughts out into space and watch them fly away. The less i do it the less familiar it is and the harder it is to sit here and share.<br /><br />two<br />with the whole world at our fingertips how do we choose our home? I dont really have a home but i have been chasing the desire to go back to boulder ever since i left 2 years ago. I get scared that i've dressed it up too much in my head. What if its not what i really want?<br /><br />three<br />We are going back to colorado in one month!!!!!!!and i have so many mixed feelings about it all. Mostly i am so excited that tears flow each and every time i think of it. but it means so much change and there is a part of me that likes to stay put even if it stinks. it's so weird.mama meganhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14645799228169174507noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3312048384705385006.post-30086434723671002011-05-27T12:40:00.000-07:002011-05-27T13:27:11.185-07:00tit for tatI have been noticing lately that i am starting to threaten or bribe a lot of the time and i don't like it. It feels odd to me and unnatural. I feel like i am creating a process that i don't agree with. A kind of thinking for my littles that makes them only want to do something right for a certain reason...so as not to "get in trouble". So this means that if no one is watching and they can get away with it then maybe it's ok or at least it doesn't really matter. <br /><br />Natural consequences are one thing. I like them. I like the world taking over my parental duties and teaching my children how things are done. Like if you throw your food on the ground then you will eat dirty food or go hungry. It's so simple and i can take myself out of the equation. But i find other areas so tricky.<br /><br />I find myself saying, "if you make that loud noise in front of your sister's room while she is sleeping i am going to take all those toys away"<br />and she'll say "where will you put them?" <br />and we both look at each other like "what?" <br />and then i say, "just please try to play quietly while your sister is asleep" <br />and she responds, "i need to make alot of noise" <br /><br /><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh_WoijqHi7va3zqjZhiZVRNeIpfeZSOSasRNzHxwdPWHKrTpJlNsHt-lI30_URt4OmIzo7EKUG7P5yjDZmeD0uJxsUfThyphenhyphenB-2c77_vGT1s7LPFnKI10PqZuABIOAqphpCtvdywUuCN6JSt/s1600/060.JPG"><img style="display:block; margin:0px auto 10px; text-align:center;cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;width: 300px; height: 400px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh_WoijqHi7va3zqjZhiZVRNeIpfeZSOSasRNzHxwdPWHKrTpJlNsHt-lI30_URt4OmIzo7EKUG7P5yjDZmeD0uJxsUfThyphenhyphenB-2c77_vGT1s7LPFnKI10PqZuABIOAqphpCtvdywUuCN6JSt/s400/060.JPG" border="0" alt=""id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5611493500362242162" /></a><br /><br />and i say "then you may go outside"<br />"the birds don't like to hear me, it's too loud for them"<br />"well, it's too loud for me and satya"<br />"well, i need to"<br />"ok, then they will be taken away"<br />so she makes the loud noise while staring at me in the face<br />yes, this is my fiery first born<br />and so i take the things away and she screams and screams and guess what? she wakes up the baby. <br /><br />So now that i write all that it doesn't seem like that big of a deal, but you know how those moments grow into double headed monsters, right?)<br />oh yes, i have tried things like distraction and a sweet "let's go outside together and bang on this drum" all sorts of things but its like she wants this intense conflict, she wants to test me. maybe to see what i will really do, maybe to see how fierce my lion roar really is....or maybe it has nothing to do with me and it is her own exploration of her power. <br /><br />but whatever it is, it is a place of practice...it is a place where i have the opportunity to be someone i want to be. it is a place where i can practice seeing the moment 10 years from now and embodying what it is i wish i would have done. it is also a place where my rage can emerge i can be a not so perfect mama and yank or give her that lip curling threatening look and yell and then feel awful and guilty and childish.<br /><br />Maybe they are too young but i have a feeling that i want something more out of my "teaching moments" as a parent. Yes, there are times when the crazy moments transform beautifully from intensity to explosion, to surrender and peace. But there are others that are sticky and that don't have a drop of wisdom or even translation. They are full of 4 year old banter and 33 year old tantrums.<br /><br />I have the pressure and the desire to create empathy, morality, and respect. Respect cuz i'm the mama and i say so! Maybe these explosive moments when tantrums are on the horizon or maybe right on the fire are not meant to teach but rather to throw water on so the least amount of damage is done. And the teaching comes later when i can reflect while snuggling and give sweet pieces of wisdom. <br /><br />And maybe its all of it at different times. <br />I think this is just a messy job and i use a lot of energy wishing it wasn't.mama meganhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14645799228169174507noreply@blogger.com5tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3312048384705385006.post-859238577685426652011-05-16T13:33:00.001-07:002011-05-16T13:53:16.746-07:00sweet ramblings of a 4 year old<a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjkb6GuXAdZ1NeReJwUwkHNa-Feb9sOnePJqCD1U9R1WKHAehG7FKP_qveXWu0IJdX4lT3YKibwZuNR-2krwJnNBzSTPt26epba-e-DOZGhWTgv0od7yOhPecdKUr2w5zscigs1c9fV8WoZ/s1600/march+005.JPG"><img style="float:left; margin:0 10px 10px 0;cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;width: 400px; height: 300px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjkb6GuXAdZ1NeReJwUwkHNa-Feb9sOnePJqCD1U9R1WKHAehG7FKP_qveXWu0IJdX4lT3YKibwZuNR-2krwJnNBzSTPt26epba-e-DOZGhWTgv0od7yOhPecdKUr2w5zscigs1c9fV8WoZ/s400/march+005.JPG" border="0" alt=""id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5607419101643630866" /></a><br /><br />mama: "come lie on my chest and let me hold you like when you were a tiny baby."<br /><br />aiyana: "can i still fit?"<br /><br /> "yes, of course, look"<br /><br /> "but not when i'm bigger?"<br /><br /> "always, look how big my arms can get. i can hold you forever. you will be my baby for your whole life and always."<br /><br /> "even when i get old and then when i'm a flower?"<br /><br /> "yes, even when you are old and then a flower"<br /><br /> "even when i am a plant?"<br /><br /> "yes, even when you are a plant"<br /><br /> "and then even when i am a fairy with wings and a bright pink dress?"<br /><br /> "yes, even when you are a fairy"<br /><br /> "when i'm a fairy am i born from someone?"<br /><br /> "hmmm, fairies aren't born from mama fairies, they are born from flowers or seeds, or the wind"<br /><br /> "when i'm a fairy can i have bright pink wings and green hair...or maybe i want red hair"<br /><br /> "yes, you may"<br /><br /> "oh, i'm so excited to be a fairy............but no to be old"mama meganhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14645799228169174507noreply@blogger.com7tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3312048384705385006.post-50468003842870620562011-04-26T07:52:00.000-07:002011-04-27T09:33:57.967-07:00a mini rant about the panamanian workerI'm sitting here in my kitchen while a technician is working on my dishwasher. He asked to if we had a manual for it...is that a bad thing? He sat down at the table with me and spent a good while reading the thing. hmmmm. Well, at least he's trying to get it right. <br /><br />I tell ya, most Panamanians (my own experience, of course) are THE WORST at following thru, actually fixing things and providing any kind of customer service in the process. This same guy who is now texting on his phone under my dishwasher....he came a week ago, took a part and said he would be back in 2 days with the new one. Well, later that day my kitchen flooded because i turned on the water in the sink. He didnt think it necessary to tell me that the sink could not be used until he returned with said part. Ya, and then on the third day when he failed to return, we called him and he was out of town for the easter holiday. He'd be back in 3 more days. Great. thanks for letting us know. He graciously told us we could use our laundry room sink in the meantime.<br /><br />Funny enough...sort of....is that this is soooooo normal here. I have a dozen stories with the same punch line....workers here are LAME!<br /><br />Oh how i miss those super expensive, insured, 4 hour window visits from professionals whose work is guaranteed. <br /><br />I know, minimum wage here is $1.70 so what kind of expertise can i expect....but when it takes 4 months and several tries to fix a leak in the pool (by the way, its still not fixed)? maybe you are in the wrong profession. I won't even mention the "expert" tile guy and how an installed tile fell on my husband's head and sent him to the hospital for stitches, or the "professional" window washing service who show up with windex and a paper towels or the guy who repaired the cloth ceiling in our car with elmers glue that left yellow spots.....<br /><br />The problem is that here anyone can do anything because there are no standards, no laws prohibiting otherwise... nothing to protect the customers. So, in reality it's not that everybody can do anything, it's that NOBODY is trained to do ANYTHING and they all proclaim to be experts cuz they all want to get paid! AND they'll charge as they please...a pretty penny with the right address. Oh, and if you don't speak much Spanish...the price just doubled cuz you cant argue your way out of it.mama meganhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14645799228169174507noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3312048384705385006.post-77533614472318410032011-04-23T12:39:00.000-07:002011-04-27T09:32:10.771-07:00stuff is cooler than i thought<a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjtm_8niIfjOgy8brtPLMh5C2lcFsBDzToiIHIz_rpCxvPBtiepfqMtbIG7hvoQkDHOwXa4sZ76VLY2I6IghkWdwmgEA_3wfF5oreTGRl6RZ-Szk8rR5FlB7ZcgNqfmcUpfrY3CqF-7hKu4/s1600/home.jpg"><img style="float:right; margin:0 0 10px 10px;cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;width: 400px; height: 476px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjtm_8niIfjOgy8brtPLMh5C2lcFsBDzToiIHIz_rpCxvPBtiepfqMtbIG7hvoQkDHOwXa4sZ76VLY2I6IghkWdwmgEA_3wfF5oreTGRl6RZ-Szk8rR5FlB7ZcgNqfmcUpfrY3CqF-7hKu4/s1600/home.jpg" border="0" alt="" /></a><br /><br /><br />I have this crazy yearning to nest. It's so intense that i physically feel it gnawing in my gut. It's been lingering for awhile now. It feels like the kind they talk about that women experience before birth. I never did get the urge to organize and clean before either of my two littles arrived but i am sure making up for it now! My hormones are raging and screaming for me to carve a nook for my family and to stay put.<br /><br />I day dream about creating cozy corners in MY home, painting MY walls, taking books off MY shelves to peruse on MY couch while staring out the window and admiring MY garden and MY curtains. In my head, i have decorated a gorgeous room for the girls...you should see it!<br /><br />For the past 2 years and even longer, I have lived like each place is too temporary to settle into to. I cant hang things up or buy cute bedspreads knowing that i am not going to be here for very long. I just can't do it. It doesnt feel right. And yet i feel so lost in a way.<br /><br />My husband always says that we should live like this is it in every moment and not wait for anything else to come.....he wants us to carve out a home in every house that we live in and i just havent been able to do it. If i know that i will leave in a certain amount of time than why empty out that box, why put up shelves and why buy towels of the perfect color? To me, there is no point.<br /><br />We are currently living in this awesome house, fully furnished complete with silverware and hand towels. It's my mama's house and they are in the process of selling it....they moved away and gave us the opportunity to live in a totally secure neighborhood and have a huge house with a pool, a yard and hoses that occupy my babes for hours....an awesome change from apartment living!<br /><br />But, not much in this house belongs to me and although i dont get too attached to things and joyfully sold and gave away our entire house before moving here....i want more than anything to have stuff again! I know, there is nothing zen about the whole thing and i question what it is i really need and why should things make me happy. after all, i really thought i was a gypsy at heart and that the whole world was my home. And maybe that is partly true but what i need right now for my own sense of security and nourishment for my soul is a home full of MY things placed in corners specifically with my intention and photos hung on walls because i chose it.<br /><br />I feel far away from the days where i rejoiced in having nothing more than a trunk full of stuff. I could go anywhere in a blink. I still romanticize that notion and that freedom but with little ones i want nothing more than one single place to call home.<br /><br />And thank the gods and goddesses that my time is just around the corner....3 months to go and we will be back in Boulder, Colorado where my heart says is home at least for now. We will leave this 3,500 sq foot house for a 1000 sq ft home...but, since we have to leave the maid behind our tiny house might be just right! WOOHOO!!!!mama meganhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14645799228169174507noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3312048384705385006.post-47079329099781085722011-04-11T18:52:00.000-07:002011-04-27T09:32:50.477-07:00my littlest little turns 2!I am all choked up over here with satya turning 2! I looked thru my birth pictures and allowed all the feelings and sensations of that day to wash over me. I felt like i was in a haze today with all the memories of her birth. There are so many things i need to process about that time (but that's for another post).<div><br /></div><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhPKa7dTFw2pT4uHzcu0hIvRHHXIWrv-C9TrFJmH5OI4jKqK_2buUnUZ1VnUsvNa6bUDqljgY_DFuyFM3va-7f609D1wrgR0TkEduvI2LPo52SA6PUCjnLEsUhE7_SBFeK3LbaDatL93Luz/s1600/IMG_1442.JPG" onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}"><img style="display:block; margin:0px auto 10px; text-align:center;cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;width: 400px; height: 300px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhPKa7dTFw2pT4uHzcu0hIvRHHXIWrv-C9TrFJmH5OI4jKqK_2buUnUZ1VnUsvNa6bUDqljgY_DFuyFM3va-7f609D1wrgR0TkEduvI2LPo52SA6PUCjnLEsUhE7_SBFeK3LbaDatL93Luz/s400/IMG_1442.JPG" border="0" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5594554160826258930" /></a><br /><div>Two years ago i became a mother of two. What a transition! I love having my two little girls. they are magical. life just keeps going and i want more time to simmer in these memories; in these days of chubby fingers and baby voices. I can't stand the idea that my girls won't always be little. So much of me wants to keep them mine and not have them grow up and into themselves.</div><br /><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjE1aFOvcqQ0CIdUw2wtgPzbfKe_GUCvbzfe8sNzWWvIAS7y6F10yUpmvcTl2gAXLYCvOR_GtO3AANxArqnHSHqIkSlwkD387fdd1T-n_gquzoq9ffUdGYZvxR_yEs56jJShK7V3NRE5MO9/s1600/the+sisters.jpg" onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}"><img style="display:block; margin:0px auto 10px; text-align:center;cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;width: 400px; height: 300px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjE1aFOvcqQ0CIdUw2wtgPzbfKe_GUCvbzfe8sNzWWvIAS7y6F10yUpmvcTl2gAXLYCvOR_GtO3AANxArqnHSHqIkSlwkD387fdd1T-n_gquzoq9ffUdGYZvxR_yEs56jJShK7V3NRE5MO9/s400/the+sisters.jpg" border="0" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5594556924029593634" /></a><br /><div><br /></div><div><br /><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj4vBcTf6V9_3PZwqCT9Q-IeZUCHmNwbkiRQXXxbjccXtA8AdBDWmWvZwHU-wdS69CB700yNdNT_w-W3xg84DrjIh_rPn2Fio04AjsxCchmSXj4sdaUwX2wNUw3hBb_vvXIqUQDZUw-O2EJ/s1600/IMG_0940.JPG" onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}"><img style="display:block; margin:0px auto 10px; text-align:center;cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;width: 400px; height: 300px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj4vBcTf6V9_3PZwqCT9Q-IeZUCHmNwbkiRQXXxbjccXtA8AdBDWmWvZwHU-wdS69CB700yNdNT_w-W3xg84DrjIh_rPn2Fio04AjsxCchmSXj4sdaUwX2wNUw3hBb_vvXIqUQDZUw-O2EJ/s400/IMG_0940.JPG" border="0" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5594554157491162642" /></a><br /><br />Mothering is such a bittersweet process. It's hard to let go of the beautiful past and not wish with all my soul that i could touch that newborn face and smell that newborn body and listen to those little coos. I want more than the memories.<br /><br /><br /><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg_JKwc23KgupBSLf7zikM_2uTQb-OW7UtkEJtdBwLgIJq_K7VCrnn0YDxvAtPmFHZX3vgfNJ5-isps4DDWD41mw6NhB3dJPxfJ9c5ZUZkwGOK-lEiKQd1COY9SMnD9gsd7MebMFO5Ik37S/s1600/Spring+2011+072.JPG" onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}"><img style="display:block; margin:0px auto 10px; text-align:center;cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;width: 400px; height: 300px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg_JKwc23KgupBSLf7zikM_2uTQb-OW7UtkEJtdBwLgIJq_K7VCrnn0YDxvAtPmFHZX3vgfNJ5-isps4DDWD41mw6NhB3dJPxfJ9c5ZUZkwGOK-lEiKQd1COY9SMnD9gsd7MebMFO5Ik37S/s400/Spring+2011+072.JPG" border="0" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5594550078189325602" /></a><br />Well, at least she is just 2! Imagine my tears when they turn 16, 20, 30! I think i may have to have another just to prolong this whole growing up thing.<br /><br /><br /><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi3AHHYebyr-iziJ0njj0ZOmsE1C_qfWcC4fZBviBvSR9WKVRBlajls8IvczUa42vZkLYkdo0PXaW_LNn0ytEV5eNKxllCdLRwYLY887nHSdz09jUH7Fk5pB91sMkB_3oC6CBLYt1uOQ1Iq/s1600/Spring+2011+113.JPG" onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}"><img style="display:block; margin:0px auto 10px; text-align:center;cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;width: 300px; height: 400px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi3AHHYebyr-iziJ0njj0ZOmsE1C_qfWcC4fZBviBvSR9WKVRBlajls8IvczUa42vZkLYkdo0PXaW_LNn0ytEV5eNKxllCdLRwYLY887nHSdz09jUH7Fk5pB91sMkB_3oC6CBLYt1uOQ1Iq/s400/Spring+2011+113.JPG" border="0" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5594550074198461906" /></a>Well, here's to my strong birth, my first 2 years as a mother of 2 and to my beautiful, powerful, fiery, sweet satya amina! Happy birthday littlest!<br /><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh3KxnjmDiFuc4Q-Zl6BR5XxHU92q62EETmmfWPUeicBmYK1ve4H400cN-_u_S9IO_AM43657vFuANMGZ40t8WRjkVtJXz-1MtXb3HkPJxPXqV-jChCXNUNM47Ua9TxbKfrCXBlsM_173Jy/s1600/Spring+2011+099.JPG" onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}"><img style="display:block; margin:0px auto 10px; text-align:center;cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;width: 300px; height: 400px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh3KxnjmDiFuc4Q-Zl6BR5XxHU92q62EETmmfWPUeicBmYK1ve4H400cN-_u_S9IO_AM43657vFuANMGZ40t8WRjkVtJXz-1MtXb3HkPJxPXqV-jChCXNUNM47Ua9TxbKfrCXBlsM_173Jy/s400/Spring+2011+099.JPG" border="0" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5594551983076765810" /></a></div>mama meganhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14645799228169174507noreply@blogger.com5tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3312048384705385006.post-61838584853561029712011-03-29T18:50:00.001-07:002011-04-27T09:33:36.351-07:00grumpy tuesday<a href="http://t2.gstatic.com/images?q=tbn:ANd9GcS8QhiBof3KlRx4NX9HT9LFuX9ekAplxqDtznGE-IGMCRG8r_zF" onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}"><img style="float:right; margin:0 0 10px 10px;cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;width: 103px; height: 120px;" src="http://t2.gstatic.com/images?q=tbn:ANd9GcS8QhiBof3KlRx4NX9HT9LFuX9ekAplxqDtznGE-IGMCRG8r_zF" border="0" alt="" /></a><br />I have a million thoughts running in and out of my mind...mostly too fast to catch but i have an overall feeling of unrest. I can hardly put my finger on it but i do feel like ranting a bit. I need to release and bitch about things; you know, the small things that make me feel ashamed, self-centered and unworthy of all the graces i am given. <div><br /></div><div>But, nonetheless, I am cranky and i am aware that thousands of people have recently and currently undergone major catastrophe....i really need a selfish little outlet. and only then can i be a better person. </div><div><br /></div><div>I am so damn hot. Unless i am in an air conditioned car or room, i feel like i am running a fever. all the time. i have a constant rim of sweat above my lip, forehead and neck. my palms are hot to the touch. it's uncomfortable and it makes me really cranky. i can't handle anything because i am so hot. but, i have an energized four year old and an almost two year old who just realized that her best form of communication is the attention-getting scream....at the top of her lungs....which all makes me hotter and crankier.</div><div><br /></div><div>I found a diseased and dying baby possum in our yard today. it was sad and gross. there were flies on his back and his tongue was dragging on the floor. anyway, i couldn't eat lunch without the sight of him flashing in my mind and gagging just a little. nice.</div><div><br /></div><div>That poor little guy made me think about how toxic everything feels here. there are pesticides and herbicides allowed here that were banned in the good ole United States of America decades ago. This residential area sprays for mosquitoes several times a week so that we have a constant handful of bites on us rather than hundreds. Not to mention the diesel fumes from all the buses (a little salute going out to the folks who invented the recycled air button for cars, and the mechanics behind it).</div><div><br /></div><div>i don't like buying fish even though we live on the ocean because the sewer from the city goes into the waters. When we lived on the water i used to watch the fisherman from our window and wonder how far with their little speed boats did they go to catch those fish and who are they selling them too? Needless to say, i don't eat much fish.</div><div><br /></div><div>Ahh, starting to feel a bit of the release.</div><div><br /></div><div>Bottled water, bread, crackers, produce, cheese....they all have a slight fragrance of laundry soap. Absolutely everything bought at the supermarkets here tastes or at the very least smells like cheap soap. I don't know why. Maybe because most things are almost expired because they come from so far away and sit in shipping containers with all those boxes and bottles and mothballs that fill that long aisle in the store of cleaning products and they have months to soak in the fragrance. It's nasty. And it makes me mad.</div><div><br /></div><div>Ok, i think am done for now. oh, wait there's more coming. but i think i'll bitch to myself in the shower. my scalp is sweaty.</div><div><br /></div><div>happy tuesday!</div><div><br /></div>mama meganhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14645799228169174507noreply@blogger.com4