I am alive!
What an adventure this life has been and is and here i ams o many years later coming back to doing one of my favorite things!
Writing!!!
What has happened? how do i let it go for so long?
I get wrapped up in the daily grind and i always choose laundry, bathrooms, meal prep and the incessant task of picking things up over what i need most- a creative outlet!
I need this more than i can say and i know in this moment because i feel in the flow as i write. I dont even care if anybody reads this. It is just the release that is so damn therapeutic. AHHHH
So here i am many years later and i have to live with the regret that i have barely written anything down about myself, my girls, their changes and accomplishments or even about the birth of my little boy nearly 3 years ago! Yup, i have three kiddos now and i have to say that YES they are the best part of life AND yes 3 is CRAZY! Someone once told that two is civilized and doable while three is over the edge and i have to agree. It's amazing and messy, fantastic and awful and sleepless and draining and too much and beautiful all rolled into one. And i can say this because i am trying to no longer sit with the shame and guilt and the desire to be perfect.
I do have a desire to be the perfect mom who is always glowing in the light of her children, who can take it all and wake up every morning singing a new song and who whisks her children into the air with giggles and smiles and who shows them that their light is so bright that they can do anything.
Well, guess what.
There are those moments but more often these days i wake up cursing the day. Too early it tears me from my sanctuary in my covers before the break of dawn by by toddler. Ugh! Too often, i crave silence and staring into the void. I want a break , a breather, a time to call my own where I can listen to the voice inside who has become a hoarse whisper.
For now, that shadow of myself whom i barely recognize will come back into the light and share in this little corner of the world. I will dust myself off and shine even for a moment.
my greatest loves and most persistent teachers keep me on my path; sitting under the bodhi tree and breathing
Friday, January 11, 2019
Tuesday, December 23, 2014
my perfect holiday
Did you all know that you can have a most perfect holiday with your precious family without making Christmas cookies?
Well, I didn't know.
I thought we had to make cookies with Christmas tree, train and elf cookie cutters with Christmas music playing in the background and while wearing our cute baking aprons.
I thought this had to be done at least once during the holiday season in order for the holidays to feel special and complete.
It was only til a moment ago that I found out that I can still have the most amazing, nourishing and meaningful Christmas with my young children without ever touching a cookie cutter.
My mind is blown.
I found out from a little sweet voice in my being that assured me that I do not have to accomplish anything to have a joyous, memorable time. WOA!
I don't have to take my kids ice skating, i don't have to go to the nutcracker all dressed up and take pictures with the tall half wooden, half man nutcracker thing, I don't have to buy everybody their most desired item, I don't need to take staged photos to capture the en of this year or mail off the perfect photo card to everyone i know, I don't have to make envious meals and eat by candlelight laughing at old family tales, I don't have to have to have everything planned, i don't have to know anything,
I DON'T HAVE TO DO
ANYTHING THAT DOESN'T COME FROM
A TRUE DESIRE FROM MY HEART,
FROM MY ENTIRE BEING.
Mind is blown,
breath deepens
and the TRUE joyous holiday ensues.
Well, I didn't know.
I thought we had to make cookies with Christmas tree, train and elf cookie cutters with Christmas music playing in the background and while wearing our cute baking aprons.
I thought this had to be done at least once during the holiday season in order for the holidays to feel special and complete.
It was only til a moment ago that I found out that I can still have the most amazing, nourishing and meaningful Christmas with my young children without ever touching a cookie cutter.
My mind is blown.
I found out from a little sweet voice in my being that assured me that I do not have to accomplish anything to have a joyous, memorable time. WOA!
I don't have to take my kids ice skating, i don't have to go to the nutcracker all dressed up and take pictures with the tall half wooden, half man nutcracker thing, I don't have to buy everybody their most desired item, I don't need to take staged photos to capture the en of this year or mail off the perfect photo card to everyone i know, I don't have to make envious meals and eat by candlelight laughing at old family tales, I don't have to have to have everything planned, i don't have to know anything,
I DON'T HAVE TO DO
ANYTHING THAT DOESN'T COME FROM
A TRUE DESIRE FROM MY HEART,
FROM MY ENTIRE BEING.
Mind is blown,
breath deepens
and the TRUE joyous holiday ensues.
Thursday, April 24, 2014
To school or not to school, part 2
My heart is aching so. oh, i hurts. I feel like i am in it deep with these mama decisions lately. It feels like the weight of the world is on me. I try to minimize them saying that either path, whichever one i choose will be the right one. I try to tell myself that the path our family takes will unravel exactly who we are supposed to be and then i feel it surge. i feel this enormous lion's roar ...it's like the undeniable rumble that probably started all sorts of revolutions. Its the one in me that screams "NOOOOOOO!" when i consider dropping my girls into the system. Its the voice that rises up and demands change. Change that tequires a courage like none other; a courage that defies all but one inner voice as well the voice of our culture at large.
This small but clear voice is telling me not to take the road thoroughly paved. She's telling me not to send my kids to a mainstream school. She's telling me that there is another way, a better way. One that will allow them to perculate in their childhood longer than is allowed out there. one that will support them in finding their gifts in this life. She's reminding me of a way that feels distant but familiar somehow. This road was walked on before long ago when life was a bit slower, when there seemd to be time. Time to cultivate our gardens, our heats and our minds in a much deeper way than it is done now. She's telling me that we are living fully now and there is so much potential in staying the path less traveled.
This small but clear voice is telling me not to take the road thoroughly paved. She's telling me not to send my kids to a mainstream school. She's telling me that there is another way, a better way. One that will allow them to perculate in their childhood longer than is allowed out there. one that will support them in finding their gifts in this life. She's reminding me of a way that feels distant but familiar somehow. This road was walked on before long ago when life was a bit slower, when there seemd to be time. Time to cultivate our gardens, our heats and our minds in a much deeper way than it is done now. She's telling me that we are living fully now and there is so much potential in staying the path less traveled.
Friday, March 21, 2014
Humanizing myself
This evening as the girls were starting dinner I picked up a book that was on the table and closed my eyes and asked to be taken to a page that was right for me in this moment. The book is "Heaven on Earth" by Sharifa Oppenheimer which i used a lot when my oldest was even younger but havent looked at in many years. It is a treasure and proved itself again this evening. I turned to a page on telling stories, not only the soul quenching fairy tales of old but stories about me and my early days. Sharifa mentions to tell stories in sensory detail; tell of the textures, the sounds, the smells, of days we remember of our youth. Tell our children about the little things that we liked and didn't like, give them tastes for what it was like to be us and small and how we navigated our worlds.
This reminds me now that Aiyana often ponders "i wonder what its like to be you, mama". So giving her these little stories of little mama megan is the tastiest little treat. I found that out tonight. I closed the book and started talking about "when i was little"......And the first thing that came to mind was what i got to eat when i visited my dad in Michigan in the summers. I told them that my mama and papa didn't live together and i got to fly from California to Michigan with my older sister and order anything I wanted on the plane and also at restaurants the entire summer with my dad. It felt sweet and tender to talk openly about my imperfect family situation. In that, it felt so perfect. No shame or wishing things were different even though i felt i had never been able to speak so openly about the dynamics growing up.
I went on about my dilemma at most meals of whether to have the grilled cheese or the cheeseburger with french fries and ketchup. I reminded them that their Oma, at the time, was back in California and was a super healthy, wheat grass drinking vegetarian and I had an unrequited love for cheese. I told the girls that i drank a spicy pop called vernors almost everyday and many of these little things made my days special and easier to be away from my mom.
I told them how my dad's shirts were so perfectly pressed and tucked into his shorts and his top siders were scuff free. I remembered how he smelled of fresh soap and cologne and how he always had extra baseball caps in his sparkling clean convertible to keep our hair from getting all tangled in the wind. I told them through teary eyes how i loved seeing my dad and how i felt like the whole world stopped when i was with him.
When i put them to bed tonight they wanted more, especially my older one. "Tell me more about when you were little". I found it so nourishing for all of us. It felt good to remember.
"The very best gift we can give our child is the gift of ourselves. One of the most satisfying ways we offer ourselves to our children is in telling them stories about ourselves......You can tell her silly little goofy things you like to do. It will make you that much more human." (page 137)
So often in parenting we take on the role of the teacher, the guide, the healer, the knower of all....and what i love about this sweet practice is that in telling our children about "when we were little" we are telling them that we are on this journey together and that is so fortifying for us all.
This reminds me now that Aiyana often ponders "i wonder what its like to be you, mama". So giving her these little stories of little mama megan is the tastiest little treat. I found that out tonight. I closed the book and started talking about "when i was little"......And the first thing that came to mind was what i got to eat when i visited my dad in Michigan in the summers. I told them that my mama and papa didn't live together and i got to fly from California to Michigan with my older sister and order anything I wanted on the plane and also at restaurants the entire summer with my dad. It felt sweet and tender to talk openly about my imperfect family situation. In that, it felt so perfect. No shame or wishing things were different even though i felt i had never been able to speak so openly about the dynamics growing up.
I went on about my dilemma at most meals of whether to have the grilled cheese or the cheeseburger with french fries and ketchup. I reminded them that their Oma, at the time, was back in California and was a super healthy, wheat grass drinking vegetarian and I had an unrequited love for cheese. I told the girls that i drank a spicy pop called vernors almost everyday and many of these little things made my days special and easier to be away from my mom.
I told them how my dad's shirts were so perfectly pressed and tucked into his shorts and his top siders were scuff free. I remembered how he smelled of fresh soap and cologne and how he always had extra baseball caps in his sparkling clean convertible to keep our hair from getting all tangled in the wind. I told them through teary eyes how i loved seeing my dad and how i felt like the whole world stopped when i was with him.
When i put them to bed tonight they wanted more, especially my older one. "Tell me more about when you were little". I found it so nourishing for all of us. It felt good to remember.
"The very best gift we can give our child is the gift of ourselves. One of the most satisfying ways we offer ourselves to our children is in telling them stories about ourselves......You can tell her silly little goofy things you like to do. It will make you that much more human." (page 137)
So often in parenting we take on the role of the teacher, the guide, the healer, the knower of all....and what i love about this sweet practice is that in telling our children about "when we were little" we are telling them that we are on this journey together and that is so fortifying for us all.
Thursday, March 20, 2014
To school or not to school
The big question....to put my kids in public school or keep homeschooling them supplemented with their nature and performance based programs.
I'm so confused. I have moments where I feel somewhat clear and then. I head straight back into the fog of uncertainty. My sweet precious girls are deep into their childhood and I mean deep. They are saturated with it....with all the great stuff that is old fashioned now.
They play all day everyday and don't tire of creating their imaginative worlds, they play cars on the rocks outside with gnomie (our gnome statue) there guarding them, they talk about how sneaky hob goblins are and about how the fire spirits quicken the seeds underground this time of year. They search for treasures and stomp in the mud, they make up their own songs and put on performances. Their love for Mother Earth and all her magic is palpable.
They have a beautiful innocence that I don't see as often as I'd like. They haven't experienced a lot of pressures, bullying, and overstimulation of ideas, noises and crowded classrooms. They are confident in their own circles and are surrounded by other kids and folks who also cherish the magic of a world unseen.
I can see that many children do very well in a public school environment but I see a system that is broken, overcrowded, pressured by financing, testing, wages....I see a place that lacks in educating the whole child; an institution that is so concerned with plowing through material that it overlooks the hands, the heart and the soul of an individual. I just feel that our children and even us are capable of amazing things and most importantly capable of a life brimming with deep satisfaction, introspection and expressed joy. Don't you? But I feel that our education systems do not set our lives on this path.
I have interacted with parents of public schooled kids and they are burnt out .....even the ones in first grade. They are thrilled for days off and holidays. My kids are super bummed spring break is coming and their programs will closed. Public schooled kids are often fried....overworked, and underplayed!
My mind goes around and around.....and there are even days where I lean towards putting them in school....stay tuned.
I'm so confused. I have moments where I feel somewhat clear and then. I head straight back into the fog of uncertainty. My sweet precious girls are deep into their childhood and I mean deep. They are saturated with it....with all the great stuff that is old fashioned now.
They play all day everyday and don't tire of creating their imaginative worlds, they play cars on the rocks outside with gnomie (our gnome statue) there guarding them, they talk about how sneaky hob goblins are and about how the fire spirits quicken the seeds underground this time of year. They search for treasures and stomp in the mud, they make up their own songs and put on performances. Their love for Mother Earth and all her magic is palpable.
They have a beautiful innocence that I don't see as often as I'd like. They haven't experienced a lot of pressures, bullying, and overstimulation of ideas, noises and crowded classrooms. They are confident in their own circles and are surrounded by other kids and folks who also cherish the magic of a world unseen.
I can see that many children do very well in a public school environment but I see a system that is broken, overcrowded, pressured by financing, testing, wages....I see a place that lacks in educating the whole child; an institution that is so concerned with plowing through material that it overlooks the hands, the heart and the soul of an individual. I just feel that our children and even us are capable of amazing things and most importantly capable of a life brimming with deep satisfaction, introspection and expressed joy. Don't you? But I feel that our education systems do not set our lives on this path.
I have interacted with parents of public schooled kids and they are burnt out .....even the ones in first grade. They are thrilled for days off and holidays. My kids are super bummed spring break is coming and their programs will closed. Public schooled kids are often fried....overworked, and underplayed!
My mind goes around and around.....and there are even days where I lean towards putting them in school....stay tuned.
Saturday, November 30, 2013
Self Care
Slightly blurred vision, light headed, dry and cracking hands, oily massaged face, and yoga pants. I have cleaned the kitchen twice, taken a shower, given myself an oil massage, drank coffee, texted randomly, shopped online without a single checkout and have forgotten to eat lunch. My children and husband have been out of the hose since 10:30. It is now 2:30 and my heart is still racing (possibly from too much caffeine) trying to figure out how to relax and fully rejuvenate before they return, which at this point could be soon.
So i find myself wiping the crumbs off the counter, sweeping the hall, putting a few things away, lying in bed for a few minutes and basically trying to stuff this solitude and peace down my throat til i feel it in my toes. AND IT DOES NOT WORK. I feel nothing.
i think the real problem is that i have too many things to accomplish and sometimes i dont know where to start. I know that i need self care and that should be priority whenever i have moments alone and yet i also need to use the time to put our house back together after a long drawn out rebuild after the flood that began two and a half months ago. There are boxes in every room and random things scattered everywhere. I can hardly relax in this space and yet that is what my body and mind yearns for.
A good question for all of us mamas: how do we care for ourselves, our bodies? What things make us feel juicy and loved? And how can we incorporate things daily into our lives? what small things can we do for ourselves that make the day sweeter?
So i find myself wiping the crumbs off the counter, sweeping the hall, putting a few things away, lying in bed for a few minutes and basically trying to stuff this solitude and peace down my throat til i feel it in my toes. AND IT DOES NOT WORK. I feel nothing.
i think the real problem is that i have too many things to accomplish and sometimes i dont know where to start. I know that i need self care and that should be priority whenever i have moments alone and yet i also need to use the time to put our house back together after a long drawn out rebuild after the flood that began two and a half months ago. There are boxes in every room and random things scattered everywhere. I can hardly relax in this space and yet that is what my body and mind yearns for.
A good question for all of us mamas: how do we care for ourselves, our bodies? What things make us feel juicy and loved? And how can we incorporate things daily into our lives? what small things can we do for ourselves that make the day sweeter?
Wednesday, May 30, 2012
the land of crank
When i am irritable, cranky, bitchy, and generally just off the girls sense it with their little energy antennae and they get all out of it,too. It's hell, really. Some days i just want to be out of it and stew in my misery but it makes it so hard when i have two little mirrors showing me just how heinous i really look.
It's so hard to be in a pissy mood when you know that everything that comes out of your mouth can throw the whole family into the land of crank. It feels like SO much responsibility. I hold the balance of our family. Our moods are so hugely dependent on my energy and most definitely my reactions. if i am centered enough to hold the space for meltdowns, owies and screaming tantrums then they pass thru like a tornado. Horrible, but completely gone after their mess is done.
BUT, when i am scrambling to pick up the pieces of my center and every whine feels like acid on a burn I crumble and then whole crew comes down with me. They are watching me ALL the time. HUGE responsibility.......
Thursday, May 10, 2012
mama guilt
like sitting here at the computer in the daylight hours and NOT playing with my kids or cleaning the floors or preparing wholesome foods...i have this sick idea of what the perfect mother is. and i get so frustrated that she is impossible for me to live up to. I dont know where it comes from or how it snuck itself into my head. but its there and it sucks!
there are actually certain mamas that host certain blogs that i cannot even look at because they portray themselves as that perfect matriarch with those sweet kids , that great house on all that land with all her freshly baked bread and crafty cuteness. i love it so much that i can't stand it!
Monday, May 7, 2012
weaning the littlest
She is curled up in her bed while i caress her big sister to sleep. she didnt want me to snuggle her tonight.
first time ever...she always wants me. strange. its another phase in her process of letting go of her babyhood, i suppose.
today is monday and she had her "last nurse" on friday night. it is so bittersweet for me. i have been wanting to wean for several months now. she loves the boob so much but about half the time we nursed i felt so irritable like i wanted to flick her off.
terrible, i know.
so, i knew our time was drawing to an end. on saturday we made a big deal of her first day of being a big girl. she got a "big girl" water bottle and i baked her a cake and we even got a few balloons at her request. i told her how proud of her i am and she said, "i'm not going to cry, i'm not going to be sad, i am going to be happy".
hmmm, i loved her attitude but of course it didnt last too long ;) i thought maybe i would let her nurse til she weaned herself but knowing her, she would nurse til she was 8! the last 8 months have been just for nap, bed and if i am lounging in my bed in the morning.
so, it wasnt on demand, thank god!
My body is ready to be mine...all mine again.
first time ever...she always wants me. strange. its another phase in her process of letting go of her babyhood, i suppose.
today is monday and she had her "last nurse" on friday night. it is so bittersweet for me. i have been wanting to wean for several months now. she loves the boob so much but about half the time we nursed i felt so irritable like i wanted to flick her off.
terrible, i know.
so, i knew our time was drawing to an end. on saturday we made a big deal of her first day of being a big girl. she got a "big girl" water bottle and i baked her a cake and we even got a few balloons at her request. i told her how proud of her i am and she said, "i'm not going to cry, i'm not going to be sad, i am going to be happy".
hmmm, i loved her attitude but of course it didnt last too long ;) i thought maybe i would let her nurse til she weaned herself but knowing her, she would nurse til she was 8! the last 8 months have been just for nap, bed and if i am lounging in my bed in the morning.
so, it wasnt on demand, thank god!
Saturday, April 28, 2012
cooking like a supermom
I feel like a super mom on the days when i have projects going, bread baking, soup simmering and i have not let myself get all wound up with every little tantrum.
Most of all, I really feel pretty darn amazing when i cook great, nourishing food for my family. I have been loving to cook lately. I don't necessarily like doing it 3 times a day 7 days a week but i thoroughly enjoy about half of those. I have been wanting to delve into one cuisine maybe for two weeks or so and just really explore the flavors. Not sure where to begin. maybe indian, thai, mexican????? I have to figure out how to set this up simply, so i dont fail. I usually get totally inspired to create these magnificent meals and then 2 days later i am staring into the fridge not knowing what in the world to feed my children.
Most of all, I really feel pretty darn amazing when i cook great, nourishing food for my family. I have been loving to cook lately. I don't necessarily like doing it 3 times a day 7 days a week but i thoroughly enjoy about half of those. I have been wanting to delve into one cuisine maybe for two weeks or so and just really explore the flavors. Not sure where to begin. maybe indian, thai, mexican????? I have to figure out how to set this up simply, so i dont fail. I usually get totally inspired to create these magnificent meals and then 2 days later i am staring into the fridge not knowing what in the world to feed my children.
Wednesday, April 4, 2012
who am i, anyway?
I have never thought of myself as controlling. i am soft, easy-going, flexible...right? Hmmm...well, the other day a dear friend was told by another that she is too hard on herself and those around her.
All night and day these words repeated themselves in a whisper simmering deeper and deeper thru the layers of my psyche until i felt a release, an admittance.
thank you. this has been me. I feel there is a part of me that is so rigid. so stuck. so scared that i might lose my hold on myself, my children, my household, my health, my beliefs.....I dont think i have always been this way. i dont think it's my natural way but somewhere on my life's journey i stiffened up; traded my magic wand for a sharp-edged sword.
its subtle. meeting me and even being a close friend you might not see this, it may even surprise you that this rigidity is such a tethered core in my being holding me together. hmmmmm
All night and day these words repeated themselves in a whisper simmering deeper and deeper thru the layers of my psyche until i felt a release, an admittance.
thank you. this has been me. I feel there is a part of me that is so rigid. so stuck. so scared that i might lose my hold on myself, my children, my household, my health, my beliefs.....I dont think i have always been this way. i dont think it's my natural way but somewhere on my life's journey i stiffened up; traded my magic wand for a sharp-edged sword.
its subtle. meeting me and even being a close friend you might not see this, it may even surprise you that this rigidity is such a tethered core in my being holding me together. hmmmmm
Sunday, January 8, 2012
alone time
There is a light dusting of snow on the ground this morning. It looks pretty from inside my little home with my hot coffee steaming next to me.
papa took the girls to a birthday party this morning so i have a couple of hours to myself. it's quiet. i can hear the heat blowing from the vents. strange. i have a million ideas of what i can do with this time and as i sit here i see the minutes ticking by and a brief panic washes over.
i want to relax, feel nourished, get energized and do nothing all at the same time.....maybe read a book, take a nap, talk to a friend, take a bath, go on a walk, get my dried paints and lonely brushes out, write here in this dusty blog, eat, drink more coffee and give myself a facial....and the clock keeps ticking and stealing away my precious minutes alone.
i even pondered going with them today. i kinda didnt want to miss the cuteness of it all. i like watching my girl's reactions to new experiences, i like to witness their joy and see their smiles and their delight. I dont like to miss any of it and i havent missed much in the last 5 years. but now i realize that its time to miss some of those moments because it is only then that i can catch glimpses of a woman i once knew.
the mama mask can sit on the shelf for a few luscious moments and i will only be the better for it.
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