Tenderness

I truly cherish each breath I have with my babes. I know how time steals chunks out of the air even when I am fully present. I thank the heavens for these beings in my life. Satya is a little Buddha. I so appreciate her calm and her giggles. She reminds me that all is as it should be.

Aiyana Izel

I see my Aiyana becoming her own Aiyana. I tear up as I see her distancing from me and my heart melts when she comes running back. I know that she has a strength that will forever astound me and I love to watch her begin to explore her world with her growing sense of freedom. It moves me so deeply.

Whining Wednesday on a Tuesday

I’m sitting here all alone with no babies crawling on me or whining at me. Incredible. I have no idea what to do with this sensation. It feels so foreign, yet so delicious. I miss myself. I have completely melted into mamahood. I’m not sure there is really a way not to when you have two little ones. It’s really a 24 hour job. It’s crazy-making. I am on call every night, all night and work 14 hour shifts. And i love to complain so its good that i have a job where there are always things to whine about. It’s just so hard!
It really releases stress when i let it out. When i list out all the things that i’m upset about, all the things that i wish were different. it feels nice. See, right now i don’t really have anyone to complain to in great batches once every few days so it sort of feels like there is a slow leak and I do nothing but whine about my life. It could just be internal, sometimes i don’t know how much actually passes my lips.

But I feel so melancholic lately. So, I will take control of this no-one- to -whine- to business and start listing it out every week. I’ll have a whine day on this blog. Today is Tuesday but I think we’ll do Whining Wednesdays cuz it sounds cooler. But I’ll start today cuz I feel lke it.

Here I go: I hate that it’s so damn hot here. Have I mentioned that before? Actually, today is a breezy 84 so not that bad but usually it’s quite unbearable.

I don’t like that it’s a treasure hunt to find organic produce here. I went out of my way to ensure that the purest ingredients went into the little tummy of my first born. After all, I made these babes from scratch and the idea of harmful pesticides and god knows what else entering their pure, beautiful bodies makes me want to cry. I have always shopped at health food stores no matter how out of the way or expensive it was. It’s just who I am. I have always purchased organic whenever available even if it has to go on the credit card. I whole-heartedly believe in organics for the good of our earth as well as for the health of our children. And here it is so hard to be true to this. There is a tiny health food store called Organika here and they carry a small selection of produce that arrives once a week and is physically fought over by my mom’s friend and a stranger lady. Regardless that the head of cauliflower that is the size of a large tomato is $4.25, it is the only place where you can find such treats. A few other places in town carry boxed lettuce from Washington for $7 and cheap organic bananas, thank god! So, unless we want to live a simple life solely on bananas, there is a bit of a struggle.

I hate that my 2 year old is so damn difficult lately. Every interaction is a possible explosion. She hits me, she says, “I don’t like u mama”. I know it’s not a huge deal but I’m just so sensitive that it actually hurts me. I feel more shut down to her and i feel like i tip toe around her if i’m not suited up for combat. I have toiled night and day for almost 3 years for her. Every two hours thru the night for 2 years, i nursed, rocked, bounced, sang to her. I massaged her with oils, sucked on her toes, gazed lovingly into her eyes, absorbed every coo and giggle and now she says with furrowed brow, “don’t look-ed at me, you can’t hold me”. It just makes me cry. I have to struggle not to take it personally and to keep pouring out the love, the patience, the compassion, the interest so that she can feel guided thru this frustrating time in her develpoment when she feels overwhelmed by all the changes both internal and external so that she doesn’t feel abandoned and yet i need to make firm boundaries so that she respects authority and learns appropriate behavior……how much am i getting paid here? Man, if she was my friend, I would have stopped calling; my boss, I would have quit; my dog, I would have given her away. Wow, she is my daughter and I have to keep plugging away, keep moving thru the dark forest of this unchartered wood. I somehow thought I would know what to do and I am lost. And I feel like I have failed her. I have failed myself. I suck at this job.

I’m bummed that my children’s childhood (even if it’s only for a short time) will be spent in a high rise apartment. I never thought that I would live in one. It’s just not me. Nothing about it feels natural. I have always needed the earth close to my front door where I can walk barefoot and run thru the tall grasses. My girls need that. All children need to spend most of their waking hours outdoors. It calms the spirit, brings imagination to their movement and enlivens the senses. Here, during Aiyana’s crazy toddler peak, we will be trapped on the 8th floor for a good part of the day. I know, I will be creative and make it the best it can be but this is a whining day remember….

Ok, babes came back from a walk, i fed, changed and put them to sleep, now I am hungry. So, enough for today. Oh, I hate that I have to eat so many times a day and i never know what to eat.

My girls are the most amazing miracles of my life! I cannot believe my dream has come true. I drink in each moment- well, most- that i get to spend with them. They are truly my teachers. If I can master myself, my mind, my emotions with every situation that arises, I will no longer be walking the path of the buddha but setting up tent under his tree!

Reflecting

So here I am more than three months have passed since i left my home far away in some other land, nestled under some tall hills, under some other blue sky, close to those sweet souls. It's strange how attached i feel to that town, that land. It feels like it belongs to me somehow, like I belong to it. I didn't realize before i left that it had dug itself so deeply into me. I breathed the same air for 13 years. It leaves its mark.

I have always loved to travel. I love the feeling of getting away from all that is daily; from all the things that I "should" get done. I love the freedom that holds. I love new smells, new corners, new faces, new food, new ways. I love that each moment is so open; it so belongs to me. Each day is filled with so much space, so much room to just be. Everything takes longer on vacation. We eat for hours- several times a day, we watch our children with more breadth, more appreciation, we let things roll as they come and we let our dreams simmer to the surface.

At first, when i came to Panama, I felt as if I was just here on vacation like we have done times before. I began to relax from the crazy stress of having a new baby and packing up my life, leting go of almost all our belongings and finalizing all the details necessary to move to a new country. It was insane and I do not recommend anyone to attempt this just after giving birth!!!! My hormones were and still are master of this domain. They are surging with all that aids my body and mind to bond with this new little being and sustain her existence. No small task! Meanwhile, i am strugging with the intricasies of managing a 2 year old whose life is being tugged out from under her and all that she knows is in flux. "Mama, he's taking my table?" and "you gived my bed to a lady?"

Oh, my babes are awake needing me....until next time.