Panama Tour: Isla Contadora

Our Papa-day/Abel bday weekend getaway to Isla Contadora, one of the 100 Pearl Islands off Panama's pacific coast...50 miles from the city

we took the ferry at 8 am...a bit early for us but we made it!

it was a totally smooth ride on a new, clean catamaran

$78 roundtrip p/person

one and a half hour ride

(and yes, aiyana is wearing long sleeves and layers in this heat....it's what she does and i choose my battles)

my little cutie sportin her pink panama hat

once we got the island we had to take a little boat to the sand...no piers...and the water?...well....ya

we stayed at Villa Romantica which has one of the best locations on the island but desperately needs a little remodeling help

and the perfect view from our window...we napped with the doors wide open listening to nothing but the lapping of the waves...and i fell asleep wondering if i might just turn into an island gypsy

and to keep the littles occupied they had a huge chess set

we left our perfect little beach and decided to walk around and find another through the thick rain forest

and down a little road until....

we found another little piece of paradise

and played in the tiny little waves and soaked up the ocean air and a bit too much sun

there was a little river that ran to the sea where satya compiled her treasures

and aiyana basked in her perfect "papa-day" (as she calls the weekends)

and i fully inhaled the serenity of escaping from the city to a most magical place even if just for a night

and i soaked in those sweet moments when life feels complete and sweet and where i have to stop myself from gobling up these delicious babes

and then we walked back

and ate and breathed in our last moments of our little isla getaway

the agony of thought

I have stood in the open door of the fridge so many times in the last few days munching on a chunk of hazelnut chocolate, then a chunk of cheese, then a pickle, then a chunk of bread, some carrots, a tomato..maybe more chocolate and then a few spoonfulls of strawberry ice cream (haagan dazs of course). I stuff my face for a few minutes then walk away as if that's gonna solve things....as if all those yummies will stuff me enough to quiet my mind just for a few minutes.

Every time i go to the chinese doc here the receptionist translates his mandarin to her spanese telling me not to think so much. I knowingly nod because its so true....my mind doesnt stop! i think about everything and then i think about how much i'm thinking. Several times a day i have to intentionally close my eyes, breath deeply and visualize my thoughts streaming out of my ears just to create some space.

Its no wonder that all that is going on right now has spun me into a whirlwind of "what-ifs" and fantasies about so many different ways my life could go right now. You see, i have been begging the universe to let me go home since we moved here. I have been waiting for my life to pick back up where i left it 2 years ago. I gave birth to my sweet #2, packed our bags and left all behind that created my little nest. The postpartum hormones and the shock of facing life in a foreign country has never really worn off. And I just purchased one way tickets back home but the days prior i was a wreck and still am.

I have lived and lost myself in the day to day of raising two spirited little ones and i have loved my moments with them but i have always wished that i was home. I have kept buried in my heart this yearning on an almost daily basis. And yet these past few days i have considered prolonging this adventure for practical reasons or maybe just for some sort of masochistic high.

there are moments here that are so magical and that match very near to what i thought my paradise was that i find myself adrift quite a different fantasy. one where i find my peace right here in the rain forest eating mangoes and building fairy houses out of sea shells with my girls. I find these moments invigorating and very confusing as if hating every minute would be easier....more in line with my plan to go home.

honestly, i don't like the daily grind here. i dont think that i have kept that a mystery. As i'm sure i have mentioned before, it is so damn hot that all my inspiration and drive melts off my body 5 minutes after i wake up. I swear this is probably the biggest problem.

Ya, there's that plus 80-90% humidity non stop!

And then there's the whole latin-ness of this city. the sheer overwhelm that is the streets. It's the noise, the exhaust.....


the poverty, the wealth and the crazy gap between that is too disturbing to my hippie self who wants justice for all.





What's strange to me is that it's hard to leave. It's so many things. it's the simple fact that moving a family is a big deal but i can feel much more complex stirrings going on inside of me. the "hardships" of this place has been such good fodder for my complaints and my stuckedness. And now, with "paradise" at my fingertips i will have to be responsible for my happiness and what if it doesnt just come when i step off the plane like those little purple pills? And what am i giving up by not forging on here? How will i survive in the desert, in the snow? What will i do without the ocean and the sand and the tropical fruits? How will i build what i think i want? what if this idea i have of home is just in my mind?

....oh there is so much more but i just got tired and brain is shutting down.....for now.

a mini rant about the panamanian worker

I'm sitting here in my kitchen while a technician is working on my dishwasher. He asked to if we had a manual for it...is that a bad thing? He sat down at the table with me and spent a good while reading the thing. hmmmm. Well, at least he's trying to get it right.

I tell ya, most Panamanians (my own experience, of course) are THE WORST at following thru, actually fixing things and providing any kind of customer service in the process. This same guy who is now texting on his phone under my dishwasher....he came a week ago, took a part and said he would be back in 2 days with the new one. Well, later that day my kitchen flooded because i turned on the water in the sink. He didnt think it necessary to tell me that the sink could not be used until he returned with said part. Ya, and then on the third day when he failed to return, we called him and he was out of town for the easter holiday. He'd be back in 3 more days. Great. thanks for letting us know. He graciously told us we could use our laundry room sink in the meantime.

Funny enough...sort of....is that this is soooooo normal here. I have a dozen stories with the same punch line....workers here are LAME!

Oh how i miss those super expensive, insured, 4 hour window visits from professionals whose work is guaranteed.

I know, minimum wage here is $1.70 so what kind of expertise can i expect....but when it takes 4 months and several tries to fix a leak in the pool (by the way, its still not fixed)? maybe you are in the wrong profession. I won't even mention the "expert" tile guy and how an installed tile fell on my husband's head and sent him to the hospital for stitches, or the "professional" window washing service who show up with windex and a paper towels or the guy who repaired the cloth ceiling in our car with elmers glue that left yellow spots.....

The problem is that here anyone can do anything because there are no standards, no laws prohibiting otherwise... nothing to protect the customers. So, in reality it's not that everybody can do anything, it's that NOBODY is trained to do ANYTHING and they all proclaim to be experts cuz they all want to get paid! AND they'll charge as they please...a pretty penny with the right address. Oh, and if you don't speak much Spanish...the price just doubled cuz you cant argue your way out of it.

grumpy tuesday

I have a million thoughts running in and out of my mind...mostly too fast to catch but i have an overall feeling of unrest. I can hardly put my finger on it but i do feel like ranting a bit. I need to release and bitch about things; you know, the small things that make me feel ashamed, self-centered and unworthy of all the graces i am given.

But, nonetheless, I am cranky and i am aware that thousands of people have recently and currently undergone major catastrophe....i really need a selfish little outlet. and only then can i be a better person.

I am so damn hot. Unless i am in an air conditioned car or room, i feel like i am running a fever. all the time. i have a constant rim of sweat above my lip, forehead and neck. my palms are hot to the touch. it's uncomfortable and it makes me really cranky. i can't handle anything because i am so hot. but, i have an energized four year old and an almost two year old who just realized that her best form of communication is the attention-getting scream....at the top of her lungs....which all makes me hotter and crankier.

I found a diseased and dying baby possum in our yard today. it was sad and gross. there were flies on his back and his tongue was dragging on the floor. anyway, i couldn't eat lunch without the sight of him flashing in my mind and gagging just a little. nice.

That poor little guy made me think about how toxic everything feels here. there are pesticides and herbicides allowed here that were banned in the good ole United States of America decades ago. This residential area sprays for mosquitoes several times a week so that we have a constant handful of bites on us rather than hundreds. Not to mention the diesel fumes from all the buses (a little salute going out to the folks who invented the recycled air button for cars, and the mechanics behind it).

i don't like buying fish even though we live on the ocean because the sewer from the city goes into the waters. When we lived on the water i used to watch the fisherman from our window and wonder how far with their little speed boats did they go to catch those fish and who are they selling them too? Needless to say, i don't eat much fish.

Ahh, starting to feel a bit of the release.

Bottled water, bread, crackers, produce, cheese....they all have a slight fragrance of laundry soap. Absolutely everything bought at the supermarkets here tastes or at the very least smells like cheap soap. I don't know why. Maybe because most things are almost expired because they come from so far away and sit in shipping containers with all those boxes and bottles and mothballs that fill that long aisle in the store of cleaning products and they have months to soak in the fragrance. It's nasty. And it makes me mad.

Ok, i think am done for now. oh, wait there's more coming. but i think i'll bitch to myself in the shower. my scalp is sweaty.

happy tuesday!

our february/march days

Well, almost 2 years since we moved to this crazy city and i am finally learning to appreciate a few aspects of living in the tropics.....especially in february and march when much of the US and Canada is freezing their buns off!





The girls are so into their little kitchen. While i cook in the evenings they get busy too. I give them all sorts of old spices, beans, cheap flours...and they create amazing soups! True chefs in the making!







And a sweet little just-turned-4 year old on a special date with mama at a coffee shop eating whip cream!

at the zoo with Jesus...or Gee

Our little friend, Grant Diego, had a birthday outing at the zoo several months back. I had forgotten about these cute pictures until the other day when Aiyana mistook baby Gee for the more well-known "baby Jesus".

Recently, Aiyana found a little picture of baby Jesus, whom she used to call "baby jeebs or jeez" and whom we've been talking about around the Christmas holidays. Well, Grant Diego is known to many and referred to by his own mother as Gee. So, therein lies the confusion.

Aiyana asked with the little picture of the cherub child in her hands "is this baby Gee? Why do I have a picture of baby Gee and he's like an angel?"

she pauses and looks at me with furrowed brow wondering what secret I have been hiding.

"Why does baby Gee live in Panama and have another mama?"

Well, the thought crossed my mind to play on the idea that we have the little Jesus so close and maybe I could use that to my advantage somehow but I quickly realized that the truth is almost always best and I explained the whole mixup.

But, before I spoke I did stare at that sweet innocence for a moment longer knowing how tender and beautiful this time is and I drank it in.

Here are a few shots from our day at the zoo with our baby Gee (but, of course the pics are mostly of my own kids):

Panama Tour: Playa Blanca and Gorgona

Oh the beach.....

My favorite part about living here in Panama is the beach. Unfortunately, the beach right outside of our apartment is not swimmable. No beach less than an hour away from the city is suitable to touch because of the "poopy water", as aiyana calls it.

But, not too far away there are great beaches. They are not comparable to the Mexican Riviera but they do satiate a deep desire to be held by the water and to play in the sand. It really makes me feel unbelievably lucky and happy each and every time we go! I'm a beach girl...always have been. When we first moved here we went to a beach every weekend and then we got lazy and go once or twice per month. It takes alot to get this family out the door. Our baggage for 2 days resembles all my belongings that i packed my car with when i left home at 17. It' pretty ridiculous. (I'll snap a shot of the piles next time)

We went to the Playa Blanca Resort for a night. We're not really resort-type folks but we gladly accepted the free invite Abel received for the grand opening of their ginormous salt water pool!

this is a portion of the pool (1/3) with filtered ocean water! it is truly incredible!

the water is cleaner than the ocean and no little critters

and they even surrounded it with sand!

for the remainder of the weekend we rented our usual casita in Gorgona. It's perfect...and on the ground floor with a door that opens up to the outdoors!!!

and a pool that the girls love to play in!

the sand is peppered and the tide is often high but we lucked out and were able to play for hours in the sand

and even do a little yoga

wide, open beach...the girls can be loud, run, far, and get mesmerized by the sounds of the waves...my heaven

the care-takers' kids...there are 6 of them...these are the youngest

oh, how i miss Whole Foods! these mini supers are so depressing. i can hardly find a single thing suitable for consumption. seriously, that front case is nothing but hot dogs and the shelves are stocked with dusty bags of chips, bimbo bread, and ramen noodles. but, alas, no health food store in sight! Wahhhhhhh. we usually make do with fruit from local stands and stuff we bring from home.

aiyana is so gentle with her satya. it is a blessing to watch their relationship deepen

you know how people always say to cherish this time with your children...they are only little for such a short time.....hold them close cuz they won't let you when they are older.....blah, blah, blah.

well, i do. i REALLY do AND they still get older day by day and time still races. and i find it a tad painful.