the land of crank

I am drowning in mama overwhelm right now. it wasnt even a bad day. it was good. not great but good. i tried to keep myself in the background for the later part of the day especially after i saw that cranky inner witch poke her nose out. I yelled and rolled my eyes at aiayna . i dont even remember what it was about. Who's the child, here? I guess we both are. What a mix!

When i am irritable, cranky, bitchy, and generally just off the girls sense it with their little energy antennae and they get all out of it,too. It's hell, really. Some days i just want to be out of it and stew in my misery but it makes it so hard when i have two little mirrors showing me just how heinous i really look.

 It's so hard to be in a pissy mood when you know that everything that comes out of your mouth can throw the whole family into the land of crank. It feels like SO much responsibility. I hold the balance of our family. Our moods are so hugely dependent on my energy and most definitely my reactions. if i am centered enough to hold the space for meltdowns, owies and screaming tantrums then they pass thru like a tornado. Horrible, but completely gone after their mess is done.

BUT, when i am scrambling to pick up the pieces of my center and every whine feels like acid on a burn I crumble and then whole crew comes down with me. They are watching me ALL the time. HUGE responsibility.......

Yes, it's a ton of pressure, daily. Motherhood is a moment to moment in your face daily practice of letting your shit GO and looking in those little mirrors and admitting how ridiculous you can look.

alone time

There is a light dusting of snow on the ground this morning. It looks pretty from inside my little home with my hot coffee steaming next to me.

papa took the girls to a birthday party this morning so i have a couple of hours to myself. it's quiet. i can hear the heat blowing from the vents. strange. i have a million ideas of what i can do with this time and as i sit here i see the minutes ticking by and a brief panic washes over.

i want to relax, feel nourished, get energized and do nothing all at the same time.....maybe read a book, take a nap, talk to a friend, take a bath, go on a walk, get my dried paints and lonely brushes out, write here in this dusty blog, eat, drink more coffee and give myself a facial....and the clock keeps ticking and stealing away my precious minutes alone.

i even pondered going with them today. i kinda didnt want to miss the cuteness of it all. i like watching my girl's reactions to new experiences, i like to witness their joy and see their smiles and their delight. I dont like to miss any of it and i havent missed much in the last 5 years. but now i realize that its time to miss some of those moments because it is only then that i can catch glimpses of a woman i once knew.

the mama mask can sit on the shelf for a few luscious moments and i will only be the better for it.

breath

i have this natural tendency to shush a screaming baby....my screaming baby and to silence or distract a tantrumming toddler. the shrills get under my skin and my ears ring and my eyes widen and my instincts tell me to make it stop. It's annoying and unsettling. I dont like it.

i like peace, beauty, laughter, smiles, the smell of lillies and of fresh bread; i like sweet children who say please and thank you and who snuggle into your arms and whisper "i love you mama"...and i like it when my 3 year old (as she did tonight at dinner) tells me how proud of me she is. You see, i like all these things, they make me smile and i like to smile.

What i don't like is the overwhelm that creeps over me when there is too much noise, when there is crying, hitting, conflict... I've never been into arguments and meanies. I guess i never really knew (and am just learning) how to handle and be ok with other emotions besides the soft, happy ones.

We are beautiful human beings who have the capacity to experience a myriad of feelings that rush through all parts of our bodies and release their own concoctions of hormones. It's really amazing! I tell myself that there is beauty in all of it and it is only recently that i have started to truly believe that for myself.

In a moment the other day when i woke feeling a bit depressed i had the urge to just feel that way and to not come up with a dozen things that might get me out of that feeling. ways that would make me feel "good" and happy...you know, the way we are "supposed" to feel. I just stewed in melancholy. And with that permission, it actually felt comfortable. I felt slow and sensitive. I breathed deeply and slowly and did not expect or wish that moment to be any different.

And then something awesome happened.

there

was

space.

space for me, space for tantrums, space for all and anything that arose.

Aiyana was upset and time and space slowed and i had breath and i watched her emotion, her anger and mirrored it for her and sat with her and we watched it pass then we hugged.

i want my girls to witness and feel the full spectrum of emotion and love themselves through it and know that we are forever changing and that it can all be ok. and i see so poignantly how inner work is crucial as a conscious parent. its the only way.

it seems like when there is breath....space....in between it's like we are caressing each moment, each sensation with just a little bit of peace....or love....and only then is there room for all of us in all our moments.