I am alive!

What an adventure this life has been and is and here i ams o many years later coming back to doing one of my favorite things!

Writing!!!

What has happened? how do i let it go for so long?
I get wrapped up in the daily grind and i always choose laundry, bathrooms, meal prep and the incessant task of picking things up over what i need most- a creative outlet!

I need this more than i can say and i know in this moment because i feel in the flow as i write. I dont even care if anybody reads this. It is just the release that is so damn therapeutic. AHHHH

So here i am many years later and i have to live with the regret that i have barely written anything down about myself, my girls, their changes and accomplishments or even about the birth of my little boy nearly 3 years ago! Yup, i have three kiddos now and i have to say that YES they are the best part of life AND yes 3 is CRAZY! Someone once told that two is civilized and doable while three is over the edge and i have to agree. It's amazing and messy, fantastic and awful and sleepless and draining and too much and beautiful all rolled into one. And i can say this because i am trying to no longer sit with the shame and guilt and the desire to be perfect.
I do have a desire to be the perfect mom who is always glowing in the light of her children, who can take it all and wake up every morning singing a new song and who whisks her children into the air with giggles and smiles and who shows them that their light is so bright that they can do anything.

Well, guess what.

There are those moments but more often these days i wake up cursing the day. Too early it tears me from my sanctuary in my covers before the break of dawn by by toddler. Ugh! Too often, i crave silence and staring into the void. I want a break , a breather, a time to call my own where I can listen to the voice inside who has become a hoarse whisper.

For now, that shadow of myself whom i barely recognize will come back into the light and share in this little corner of the world. I will dust myself off and shine even for a moment.

mama guilt

What is it that creeps over me like a plague, slumps my shoulders and sucks all my goodness right out of me? Oh, is that mama guilt? that intense feeling that comes when i am doing anything that might resemble something "just" for me?

like sitting here at the computer in the daylight hours and NOT playing with my kids or cleaning the floors or preparing wholesome foods...i have this sick idea of what the perfect mother is. and i get so frustrated that she is impossible for me to live up to. I dont know where it comes from or how it snuck itself into my head. but its there and it sucks!

there are actually certain mamas that host certain blogs that i cannot even look at because they portray themselves as that perfect matriarch with those sweet kids , that great house on all that land with all her freshly baked bread and crafty cuteness. i love it so much that i can't stand it!

alone time

There is a light dusting of snow on the ground this morning. It looks pretty from inside my little home with my hot coffee steaming next to me.

papa took the girls to a birthday party this morning so i have a couple of hours to myself. it's quiet. i can hear the heat blowing from the vents. strange. i have a million ideas of what i can do with this time and as i sit here i see the minutes ticking by and a brief panic washes over.

i want to relax, feel nourished, get energized and do nothing all at the same time.....maybe read a book, take a nap, talk to a friend, take a bath, go on a walk, get my dried paints and lonely brushes out, write here in this dusty blog, eat, drink more coffee and give myself a facial....and the clock keeps ticking and stealing away my precious minutes alone.

i even pondered going with them today. i kinda didnt want to miss the cuteness of it all. i like watching my girl's reactions to new experiences, i like to witness their joy and see their smiles and their delight. I dont like to miss any of it and i havent missed much in the last 5 years. but now i realize that its time to miss some of those moments because it is only then that i can catch glimpses of a woman i once knew.

the mama mask can sit on the shelf for a few luscious moments and i will only be the better for it.

going numb

My tendency is to go numb whenever there is alot going on emotionally for me. I go on auto pilot taking care of all my family duties blindly but my essence is stuck somewhere hovering inches above my body and i just do what i have to to get by day to day.

I do all that i can to keep myself from entering this hole of unknown gunk...the emotional laundry that has been piling up for weeks now...months probably. In my moments alone I eat, i clean, i watch movies, browse the internet, drown myself in worry and guilt for all the things i do wrong as a mother....really i stuff my head, my heart, my face with anything that can take away the blinding fact that there are tender spots inside me that need tending to.

Why am i so resistant to taking care of myself? yes, i give non-stop all day long to my children so the moment i leave their room at night i crave a quick fix, something that will momentarily quench the thirst for true connection; chocolate, wine, pastries, stupid tv shows, internet shopping.....My energy is spent, my reserves are empty. But is that excuse enough? I want to be a mother more than anything else in this life but i also want to find that sweet balance where i have space to shine no matter what is going on within my household.

I know what i need. i need hot baths, facials, quiet reading time, meditation, yoga, walks, sleep. Any one of these on a daily basis would slowly start to take the tip off the mountain of self-neglect. But even though i "know" what i need i usually choose the quick fix. what's wrong with me? how do i get ahead just enough so i have the energy to give back to myself?

well, even as i write this i feel my breath deepen and a familiar part of me awaken. it has been too long....this time away. how can i as a mother not disappear as a woman? and maybe even blossom and thrive? is it possible to be the kind of mother i am and want to be and be fully myself? hmmmm.

Airing out...some scattered thoughts

It's strange how we get our ideas of what is right, beautiful, what is successful, what is best, what our "shoulds" are, what is weird, and wrong and not ok. I think our mind gathers all this information over time from all of our experiences and what we see in our environments, how we are treated...our minds wrap all this up in little packages and we go about our lives with these ideas, these parameters for life.

I envision that the ultimate state of mind is one where my thoughts and actions are based on my own truths and my connection to spirit rather than merely a culmination of my past. And I hope that I have the grace to constantly let go.

This seems like the most simple way to live and yet such a momentous process of stripping away all the ideas that i have gathered over the years and really look at why i think the way i do. Its fascinating! In each moment i have thoughts running through my head that i have come to recognize as mostly useless and many even harmful. And in each moment i have a choice....

These thoughts can be critical, nasty, judgy, preachy, insensitive and down right cruel! what is the point? where do they come from if I am not selecting them? why do i let my mind go on and on about things that are not unworthy of my attention? Who's running this ship, anyway?

I truly believe that we have an enormous amount of power and that left untrained, the mind runs like a wild caged animal and can make anyone experience moments of insanity.

I am in the process of deliberately training my mind, I've worked on this before and I know it will take a lifetime of constant reminders but I hope as time goes on I can choose to make this path more and more visible so that it is easier to find my way when I get lost. Which will most likely happen again and again.

Lately, I have allowed my thoughts free range and for many reasons known and mysterious, they are not often kind. I sabotage my beauty in fear of that sweet power we all possess. I am afraid to be seen, to shine. I am afraid to offend anyone...really I am afraid to create any sort of wave. And yet my biggest fear is to lie on my deathbed, so free from all this confusion and wish that I had left all these fears in their wake and just made a wave..........my own gorgeous wave.

Instead of allowing whatever thoughts come in to plant their little seeds and fester for however long...I can, with much effort, plant my own intentional seeds and create an entirely different landscape than the one that often creeps in; one where i actually am a friend to myself. Someone who is kind, encouraging, loving and who I enjoy hanging out with. A friend who does not make snide remarks about my grays and stares at my cellulite; one who does not roll her eyes at my shortcomings nor reminds me of my unworthiness. Who would hang around such a person?! I don't think I will be calling her again or inviting her in!

Ah, it takes such effort but I cannot see another way.