I am alive!

What an adventure this life has been and is and here i ams o many years later coming back to doing one of my favorite things!

Writing!!!

What has happened? how do i let it go for so long?
I get wrapped up in the daily grind and i always choose laundry, bathrooms, meal prep and the incessant task of picking things up over what i need most- a creative outlet!

I need this more than i can say and i know in this moment because i feel in the flow as i write. I dont even care if anybody reads this. It is just the release that is so damn therapeutic. AHHHH

So here i am many years later and i have to live with the regret that i have barely written anything down about myself, my girls, their changes and accomplishments or even about the birth of my little boy nearly 3 years ago! Yup, i have three kiddos now and i have to say that YES they are the best part of life AND yes 3 is CRAZY! Someone once told that two is civilized and doable while three is over the edge and i have to agree. It's amazing and messy, fantastic and awful and sleepless and draining and too much and beautiful all rolled into one. And i can say this because i am trying to no longer sit with the shame and guilt and the desire to be perfect.
I do have a desire to be the perfect mom who is always glowing in the light of her children, who can take it all and wake up every morning singing a new song and who whisks her children into the air with giggles and smiles and who shows them that their light is so bright that they can do anything.

Well, guess what.

There are those moments but more often these days i wake up cursing the day. Too early it tears me from my sanctuary in my covers before the break of dawn by by toddler. Ugh! Too often, i crave silence and staring into the void. I want a break , a breather, a time to call my own where I can listen to the voice inside who has become a hoarse whisper.

For now, that shadow of myself whom i barely recognize will come back into the light and share in this little corner of the world. I will dust myself off and shine even for a moment.

Humanizing myself

This evening as the girls were starting dinner I picked up a book that was on the table and closed my eyes and asked to be taken to a page that was right for me in this moment. The book is "Heaven on Earth" by Sharifa Oppenheimer which i used a lot when my oldest was even younger but havent looked at in many years. It is a treasure and proved itself again this evening. I turned to a page on telling stories, not only the soul quenching fairy tales of old but stories about me and my early days. Sharifa mentions to tell stories in sensory detail; tell of the textures, the sounds, the smells, of days we remember of our youth. Tell our children about the little things that we liked and didn't like, give them tastes for what it was like to be us and small and how we navigated our worlds.

This reminds me now that Aiyana often ponders "i wonder what its like to be you, mama". So giving her these little stories of little mama megan is the tastiest little treat. I found that out tonight. I closed the book and started talking about "when i was little"......And the first thing that came to mind was what i got to eat when i visited my dad in Michigan in the summers. I told them that my mama and papa didn't live together and i got to fly from California to Michigan with my older sister and order anything I wanted on the plane and also at restaurants the entire summer with my dad. It felt sweet and tender to talk openly about my imperfect family situation. In that, it felt so perfect. No shame or wishing things were different even though i felt i had never been able to speak so openly about the dynamics growing up.

I went on about my dilemma at most meals of whether to have the grilled cheese or the cheeseburger with french fries and ketchup.  I reminded them that their Oma, at the time, was back in California and was a super healthy, wheat grass drinking vegetarian and I had an unrequited love for cheese. I told the girls that i drank a spicy pop called vernors almost everyday and many of these little things made my days special and easier to be away from my mom.

I told them how my dad's shirts were so perfectly pressed and tucked into his shorts and his top siders were scuff free. I remembered how he smelled of fresh soap and cologne and how he always had extra baseball caps in his sparkling clean convertible to keep our hair from getting all tangled in the wind. I told them through teary eyes how i loved seeing my dad and how i felt like the whole world stopped when i was with him.

When i put them to bed tonight they wanted more, especially my older one. "Tell me more about when you were little".  I found it so nourishing for all of us. It felt good to remember.

"The very best gift we can give our child is the gift of ourselves. One of the most satisfying ways we offer ourselves to our children is in telling them stories about ourselves......You can tell her silly little goofy things you like to do. It will make you that much more human." (page 137)

So often in parenting we take on the role of the teacher, the guide, the healer, the knower of all....and what i love about this sweet practice is that in telling our children about "when we were little" we are telling them that we are on this journey together and that is so fortifying for us all.

the land of crank

I am drowning in mama overwhelm right now. it wasnt even a bad day. it was good. not great but good. i tried to keep myself in the background for the later part of the day especially after i saw that cranky inner witch poke her nose out. I yelled and rolled my eyes at aiayna . i dont even remember what it was about. Who's the child, here? I guess we both are. What a mix!

When i am irritable, cranky, bitchy, and generally just off the girls sense it with their little energy antennae and they get all out of it,too. It's hell, really. Some days i just want to be out of it and stew in my misery but it makes it so hard when i have two little mirrors showing me just how heinous i really look.

 It's so hard to be in a pissy mood when you know that everything that comes out of your mouth can throw the whole family into the land of crank. It feels like SO much responsibility. I hold the balance of our family. Our moods are so hugely dependent on my energy and most definitely my reactions. if i am centered enough to hold the space for meltdowns, owies and screaming tantrums then they pass thru like a tornado. Horrible, but completely gone after their mess is done.

BUT, when i am scrambling to pick up the pieces of my center and every whine feels like acid on a burn I crumble and then whole crew comes down with me. They are watching me ALL the time. HUGE responsibility.......

Yes, it's a ton of pressure, daily. Motherhood is a moment to moment in your face daily practice of letting your shit GO and looking in those little mirrors and admitting how ridiculous you can look.

mama guilt

What is it that creeps over me like a plague, slumps my shoulders and sucks all my goodness right out of me? Oh, is that mama guilt? that intense feeling that comes when i am doing anything that might resemble something "just" for me?

like sitting here at the computer in the daylight hours and NOT playing with my kids or cleaning the floors or preparing wholesome foods...i have this sick idea of what the perfect mother is. and i get so frustrated that she is impossible for me to live up to. I dont know where it comes from or how it snuck itself into my head. but its there and it sucks!

there are actually certain mamas that host certain blogs that i cannot even look at because they portray themselves as that perfect matriarch with those sweet kids , that great house on all that land with all her freshly baked bread and crafty cuteness. i love it so much that i can't stand it!

going numb

My tendency is to go numb whenever there is alot going on emotionally for me. I go on auto pilot taking care of all my family duties blindly but my essence is stuck somewhere hovering inches above my body and i just do what i have to to get by day to day.

I do all that i can to keep myself from entering this hole of unknown gunk...the emotional laundry that has been piling up for weeks now...months probably. In my moments alone I eat, i clean, i watch movies, browse the internet, drown myself in worry and guilt for all the things i do wrong as a mother....really i stuff my head, my heart, my face with anything that can take away the blinding fact that there are tender spots inside me that need tending to.

Why am i so resistant to taking care of myself? yes, i give non-stop all day long to my children so the moment i leave their room at night i crave a quick fix, something that will momentarily quench the thirst for true connection; chocolate, wine, pastries, stupid tv shows, internet shopping.....My energy is spent, my reserves are empty. But is that excuse enough? I want to be a mother more than anything else in this life but i also want to find that sweet balance where i have space to shine no matter what is going on within my household.

I know what i need. i need hot baths, facials, quiet reading time, meditation, yoga, walks, sleep. Any one of these on a daily basis would slowly start to take the tip off the mountain of self-neglect. But even though i "know" what i need i usually choose the quick fix. what's wrong with me? how do i get ahead just enough so i have the energy to give back to myself?

well, even as i write this i feel my breath deepen and a familiar part of me awaken. it has been too long....this time away. how can i as a mother not disappear as a woman? and maybe even blossom and thrive? is it possible to be the kind of mother i am and want to be and be fully myself? hmmmm.

stuff is cooler than i thought

I have this crazy yearning to nest. It's so intense that i physically feel it gnawing in my gut. It's been lingering for awhile now. It feels like the kind they talk about that women experience before birth. I never did get the urge to organize and clean before either of my two littles arrived but i am sure making up for it now! My hormones are raging and screaming for me to carve a nook for my family and to stay put.

I day dream about creating cozy corners in MY home, painting MY walls, taking books off MY shelves to peruse on MY couch while staring out the window and admiring MY garden and MY curtains. In my head, i have decorated a gorgeous room for the girls...you should see it!

For the past 2 years and even longer, I have lived like each place is too temporary to settle into to. I cant hang things up or buy cute bedspreads knowing that i am not going to be here for very long. I just can't do it. It doesnt feel right. And yet i feel so lost in a way.

My husband always says that we should live like this is it in every moment and not wait for anything else to come.....he wants us to carve out a home in every house that we live in and i just havent been able to do it. If i know that i will leave in a certain amount of time than why empty out that box, why put up shelves and why buy towels of the perfect color? To me, there is no point.

We are currently living in this awesome house, fully furnished complete with silverware and hand towels. It's my mama's house and they are in the process of selling it....they moved away and gave us the opportunity to live in a totally secure neighborhood and have a huge house with a pool, a yard and hoses that occupy my babes for hours....an awesome change from apartment living!

But, not much in this house belongs to me and although i dont get too attached to things and joyfully sold and gave away our entire house before moving here....i want more than anything to have stuff again! I know, there is nothing zen about the whole thing and i question what it is i really need and why should things make me happy. after all, i really thought i was a gypsy at heart and that the whole world was my home. And maybe that is partly true but what i need right now for my own sense of security and nourishment for my soul is a home full of MY things placed in corners specifically with my intention and photos hung on walls because i chose it.

I feel far away from the days where i rejoiced in having nothing more than a trunk full of stuff. I could go anywhere in a blink. I still romanticize that notion and that freedom but with little ones i want nothing more than one single place to call home.

And thank the gods and goddesses that my time is just around the corner....3 months to go and we will be back in Boulder, Colorado where my heart says is home at least for now. We will leave this 3,500 sq foot house for a 1000 sq ft home...but, since we have to leave the maid behind our tiny house might be just right! WOOHOO!!!!

my littlest little turns 2!

I am all choked up over here with satya turning 2! I looked thru my birth pictures and allowed all the feelings and sensations of that day to wash over me. I felt like i was in a haze today with all the memories of her birth. There are so many things i need to process about that time (but that's for another post).

Two years ago i became a mother of two. What a transition! I love having my two little girls. they are magical. life just keeps going and i want more time to simmer in these memories; in these days of chubby fingers and baby voices. I can't stand the idea that my girls won't always be little. So much of me wants to keep them mine and not have them grow up and into themselves.

Mothering is such a bittersweet process. It's hard to let go of the beautiful past and not wish with all my soul that i could touch that newborn face and smell that newborn body and listen to those little coos. I want more than the memories.



Well, at least she is just 2! Imagine my tears when they turn 16, 20, 30! I think i may have to have another just to prolong this whole growing up thing.


Well, here's to my strong birth, my first 2 years as a mother of 2 and to my beautiful, powerful, fiery, sweet satya amina! Happy birthday littlest!

sharing the art of self-love

Aiyana is lying on the floor next to me on a yoga mat, her skin glistening with cocoa butter and lavender oil, fast asleep. What a delicious baby growing into a magical girl.

Today after putting little Satya down for her nap. Aiyana amd I pulled out the mats, the oils, put on some relaxing music and rubbed each other. She is quite the masseuse! I adore her touch and she loves to give it. I rubbed her sweet little body, her growing feet, her perfect skin and after about 20 minutes she fell deeply asleep. Ahh, bliss!

I adore these moments together where we are loving ourselves and quieting the world; where i am remembering and she is learning to slow down and practice the art of caring for our bodies and spirits in a way that seems to have gone almost extinct in this world.

I began my cycle today, my period, my "bleed" (as Aiyana calls it). And perhaps it is an occurrence that is mostly hushed in our society, a word/an experience that is so private that is has become awkward to mention but i don't abide by those unspoken rules. In my world this time is honored and the change in my household is marked by a day or two of rest, picnics on the floor, long showers, body rubs, soulful music, books, snuggles, daydreaming, sunbathing, tea....all that is nourishing to the senses and soul.

In these first days i feel so grounded, so at peace, so strong in my knowing of what is needed and i feel breath in every moment....and space, enough space to encounter each interaction with grace. Time slows down and everything is calm. I feel connected to a deep part of my being that is so ancient and mysterious that i hardly care to speak. I feel full. I am in complete stillness with all things inside and out. It's an incredible time and one that i no longer try to resist.

This day, each month, i let all things go and in that settling i find my greatest joy and all the stress and confusion and guilt that is part of motherhood has no place...and from here i can share with aiyana the luscious connection that must be had between women. That beautiful space that we can hold for each other that allows our masks to fall away and our souls to feast.

It truly is a heaven of our own making!

over and over again

I like new, i like change, i generally do not like to repeat things. My body and mind find comfort in doing an activity again and again but there is a part of me that resists the familiar. After i do an intense yoga class or go for a long walk or do an at home exercise routine, i think "well, that's done." and a part of me thinks i should be good to go for some. i dont like the fact that i am supposed to do it again and again and again for it to really do me any good. I want my body to suddenly transform and my mind to feel that sweet peaceful surrender.

But, unfortunately, things dont work this way in the real world and in order for me to find that comfort in a "familiar" somthing i need to get familiar with it i.e. do it again and again!

I can blame this tendency on my upbringing....being allowed to dabble in piano, violin, ballet, horse-back riding, drawing, soccer while also being permitted to quit the moment i got hurt, bored or distracted. I can also point the finger at my sun sign as a pisces being easliy influenced by others or my temperment being sanguine keeping me fluttering about on a million things but never holding my interest for long. Oh, or i can blame it on the fact that i like to stay invisible and not be noticed for anything great or poor....my tendency to blend into the walls and observe the world from a quiet sitting posture.

But, whatever the reason(s), it is a trait that i have noticed for some time now and i am playing with it wondering if i can budge, staying curious but secretly hoping that i can ground myself long enough to create habits.

So, since my full -time -plus -overtime job is mama and home maker i am trying to take baby steps and teach myself as well as be an example to my children the value of doing things twice, three times, four times, every week, every season..... it's a beautiful thing but a momentous task.

I know that repetition brings security, confidence and builds a life-long appreciation for doing stuff so i am really trying to instill some of this in our daily lives. Even the smallest things...we're not talking marathon training, picasso classes and language tutors. I don't mean for me or my children to be amazing at everything...it's more about just sticking to things and doing them for the sake of exploration, or for the sake of doing anything for so long that it brings joy and comfort.

Here's to painting, drawing, pretend music classes, dance parties, tea parties, baking, riding, planting, loving, laughing, stories, puppet shows........all the things that should be done again and again!

Wow, my life is GOOD!

breath

i have this natural tendency to shush a screaming baby....my screaming baby and to silence or distract a tantrumming toddler. the shrills get under my skin and my ears ring and my eyes widen and my instincts tell me to make it stop. It's annoying and unsettling. I dont like it.

i like peace, beauty, laughter, smiles, the smell of lillies and of fresh bread; i like sweet children who say please and thank you and who snuggle into your arms and whisper "i love you mama"...and i like it when my 3 year old (as she did tonight at dinner) tells me how proud of me she is. You see, i like all these things, they make me smile and i like to smile.

What i don't like is the overwhelm that creeps over me when there is too much noise, when there is crying, hitting, conflict... I've never been into arguments and meanies. I guess i never really knew (and am just learning) how to handle and be ok with other emotions besides the soft, happy ones.

We are beautiful human beings who have the capacity to experience a myriad of feelings that rush through all parts of our bodies and release their own concoctions of hormones. It's really amazing! I tell myself that there is beauty in all of it and it is only recently that i have started to truly believe that for myself.

In a moment the other day when i woke feeling a bit depressed i had the urge to just feel that way and to not come up with a dozen things that might get me out of that feeling. ways that would make me feel "good" and happy...you know, the way we are "supposed" to feel. I just stewed in melancholy. And with that permission, it actually felt comfortable. I felt slow and sensitive. I breathed deeply and slowly and did not expect or wish that moment to be any different.

And then something awesome happened.

there

was

space.

space for me, space for tantrums, space for all and anything that arose.

Aiyana was upset and time and space slowed and i had breath and i watched her emotion, her anger and mirrored it for her and sat with her and we watched it pass then we hugged.

i want my girls to witness and feel the full spectrum of emotion and love themselves through it and know that we are forever changing and that it can all be ok. and i see so poignantly how inner work is crucial as a conscious parent. its the only way.

it seems like when there is breath....space....in between it's like we are caressing each moment, each sensation with just a little bit of peace....or love....and only then is there room for all of us in all our moments.

mama madness

From a few weeks ago....

My eyes are puffy slits this morning. The bag of frozen peas didnt do much. I had a good cry last night and my eyes do not let me get away with it the next day. It was a good sob session. One where you feel like a little child, huffing between sobs while your chest palpitates and your nose gets all stuffed up and you have to breathe thru your mouth.... you know that kind? oh, it feels good. such a release.
i have been feeling so much pressure lately, so much judgement, i cracked. mostly its an inner critic and then bits from the outside world. this inner voice has been slamming me nonstop for months now.
she's an old hag, a perfectionist, a know-it-all who narrates EVERYTHING i do. she's worn me down and brought me to sobbing tears. When i am drinking my coffee or tea in the morning she pushes me to "get going, the kids need structure, get them outside, they're bored to tears" and then when we go on our morning walk she picks "you should have an idea, an intention for the walk, you didnt bring baskets, you could be gathering treasures, you cant just meander thru the day without meaning. what are you teaching the girls about life?" And then when we are carving our jack o lantern she wonders why i dont know any halloween songs or jack o lantern stories to go along with the project, why didnt i prepare for this? it's so like me to just jump into things half-assed and unprepared"
Leave me alone you f****ing hag! AHHHHHHH, she goes on and on every day. and i know they are just little things but because this work is my job and i take it very seriously and i try to give my whole heart to my days with these precious souls....this witch's banters pierce me and wear on me. Plus, as i wrote yesterday, i feel alone in it all. No co-workers, few comrades....it's bound to drive me mad. i feel like i am taking crazy pills!
A part of me thinks i should be running this household like a preschool, I guess. Is that what i am supposed to do? Is that what stay-at-home mamas do? Sometimes i think I focus too much on the girls...i think i am supposed to do things for myself as well but it is so hard to get into projects with little ones around. i always think that maybe when satya is a bit older, it will be easier to get my paints out, write my novels :)....right now i get interrupted every 5 minutes.
some days are very smooth. there is a nice in and out rhythm to the day... a bit of outside time, projects, snuggles, stories, swimming...maybe i got a bit of yoga in. and then other days i stare at my children and wonder what the hell i am supposed to do for the next 12 hours!!

dreams for my girls

Disclaimer:Now that i am "public" i am a bit nervous so bear with me. And just a little reminder this is not a final draft of a well thought out thesis. This is my blog. Which is sort of like my journal. So thoughts will be choppy and not finished.They are supposed to be that way. I just need to say that. Oh, and you can't correct my structure, punctuation, word choice....so there.



Ok, so i have this thing...this thing about wanting to make this world magical, loving, powerful, accepting, generous, loving; a place where all things are possible for my girls. I want them to realize their full potential, fine-tune their skills, live their dreams and find strength in any obstacle. I am an idealist and a dreamer and i know that life is far less than perfect but i also feel that with a certain perspective, this life can yield amazing triumphs and holds such vast beauty.
Ok, so the problem is that sometimes i hold all of this and i want so deeply to offer these things to my girls AND it can feel like quite the pressure.
Because i am their first teacher, I set the stage for how they feel about themselves, their world. I am supposed to be an example of all things possible, strong, vulnerable, gentle, firm, sensitive, honest, accepting, curious, determined, adventurous...It's a tall order and most days i am for it!
i am completely committed and the best part is that in order for them to be "healthy humans" they need to see imperfections, chaos, and conflict.....phew.

Because i have been waiting most of my life for this very part of life where i am an "adult", all growed-up (as Aiyana would say) and have an amazing, gorgeous husband and fiery, giggly, beautiful children, I am not about to give this precious time over to some stranger who is hired by a system that thinks they know what my child needs to learn aka "school". Especially because i think that most schools are the very reason why children learn to hate the process of knowing. (more on that later)



Here, in Panama, almost all children go to "school" before the age of 2 as it seems. Before 4:30 the parks are empty and i have gathered (now that it is the rainy season and quite lovely on a cloudy day) that is is less the scorching heat but more that the children are gathered in one of the many daycare facilities that keeps the jungle-gyms barren.
Most anywhere i go these days it never fails that someone asks me where my daughter goes to school. When i answer that she doesn't attend at all i am met with wide eyes and open mouths. It's as if they all want to say "Oh my good god! she is THREE years old and still at home with you?" And i want to say "yes, after THREE loooong years since her birth into this world i STILL take care of her, daily".
I know, everyone has their own ideas and most with the best intentions of giving their children the best start in life so i politely explain in my best broken spansih that i am fortunate enough to stay home and live out magical adventures with my most precious children in hopes to give them the best foundation that i know how to give them before i check their wings for flight. (well, it comes off a bit more simply than that but you get the idea...)
Some children do great at an early age in school and many would do well at home with a care giver. There are hundreds of cultures here melting in the same sweaty pot. Where i come from, it's smiled upon to keep your kids at home even until 5 when they start kinder. Hmm, maybe i should play the devil's advocate and next time someone asks i'll throw in there that she will never go to school! Ha! We are going to homeschool or even better "unschool"? (I am actually looking into this a bunch right now and i am finding some fascinating articles....will share.

School is only one place out of thousands where learning takes place and often it is where the least bit of knowledge is gained.

Round the Clock

The way i mama my kids there isn't that much free time; no bathroom breaks, lunch hours, no punch cards to time out and most definitely no 8 hour sleeps. Ah, i cannot wait for more sleep. That is one thing that i miss deeply. My husband and i reminisce the days when we were hard pressed to make it to Sunday brunch before the restaurants closed at 2 pm because we were still in bed. Can you imagine? Racing to get out of the house by 1:30 in the afternoon? Now I am overjoyed if my kids sleep til 8! Most days its 6:45 with little Satya waking up with a poop and a "MAMA! MAMA!!!" that's my little alarm clock. The worst part is on those rare days when she actually sleeps in but my tired eyes still open and wait for that little voice.
I was blessed with almost 4 months of sleep after Aiyana turned 2 and miraculously started to sleep 12 hours straight at night and before little Satya was born. Of course, it hardly counts because i woke up every few hours to pee in those last months of pregnancy anyway.
Since Aiyana turned 3 she will no longer sleep alone and she wakes a few times during the night if no one is by her side. She slept for 12 or 13 hours straight for one sweet year and then back to restless nights the week she turned 3. My husband and i rarely get thru a movie without one or both of the girls waking for boob or comfort. It's exhausting but my babes are little and this is just part of the territory. I am not into making my 3 year old scream for hours that she is terrified of sleeping alone because i "should" and because she is "supposed to" sleep on her own thru the night. I think babies and families are much more complicated and there are many more solutions to "problems" then we are led to believe. At the end of the day, i have to live with my children, their fears, my guilt and our victories. So whatever feels right for us is what goes.
We think we have a few more years before really good sleep returns to our bed.

Sickness comes and sickness goes

It seems that with little ones I am all too often wondering if the runny nose is from a crying spout or if we are heading into yet another bout of some cold, flu or other virus that sucks the last drop of reserved sleep out from under us. My heart speeds up a few beats and I internally browse the herb cupboard and decide what i will dose them up with the second i see a wet nose or feel a slight rise in body temperature. It's not that I'm scared of sickness or that I think my sweet girls will be damaged permanently from a fever, I just see the long nights and the cranky days ahead and it sends warnings of the impending stress through my body gearing me up to become the ultimate super mom who is dedicated to curing all forms of imbalance with herbs, oils, teas and a lot of TLC!

But it does mean that the upcoming play-dates and music classes and outings that are oh so fun for mama are canceled pending further notice. It means more time at home away from the little time that mama gets to talk with other mamas and a lot more creative energy needed to keep us from going stir crazy in the meantime.

So, right now papa is putting the 3 year old to bed who has a slight runny nose and watery eyes. She drank down the second of the vitamin C, cold snap and Wellness Kids Formula concoction with a sweet smile as she is all too familiar and very brave to swallow and chew up the most bitter of herbs. Thank goodness for that cuz giving my kids herbs, syrups, acidophilus, fish oils, silver water, tea, rubbing their feet with Thieves oil or eucalyptus and lavender oils is one way i know how to care for them; its another way i can love them since I cannot just hand them over for nature to run its course. It's how i do my part to ensure that their little selves will be as strong and as comfortable as possible while still being in line with the natural world and allowing their systems to gain strength through all these little sickness in the early years.

So now I wait and see what the morning or night will bring. Will we be awoken by a cranky stuffy child every hour through the night or will she awake refreshed in the morning with kisses and smiles? I cross my fingers..........

Rhythm...it's a love/hate thing

I have read and know from my days as a preschool teacher that rythm is essential in the life of a toddler. I struggle with it. I rarely do things the same twice in any area of my life. I really never have. Of course going to school or work kept me in line somewhat but outside of that my days are sporadic. I dont really like it. I always have a voice in my head telling me that i need to get in a flow of how and when i do things. I need to wake, eat, dress, prepare meals, play, clean, bathe and sleep all at specified times so that i can relax into my life and so my children know what to expect out of their days. Why is it so hard for me? It feels so unnatural in many ways. I like to do whatever, whenever and i thrive on newness. Hmmmm. I have got to figure this out. My 3 and a half year old needs it. I need it. Some days I feel lost and i am sure she does too.

Ok.....(a few days later) the more i look at other's blogs and talk to other mama friends about this, the more i see that i do have some rhythm in our days. I do want more but its refreshing to know that the voice in my head is definitely type A- completely different from who i am AND a bit extreme. So, I need to give myself a bit of kuddos for our craft days, swimming days, family dinnertime with blessing ritual and bed time rituals.....it seems to be the beginning part of the day that i am extra slow and need a bit more structure in which to flow.

For now, it is late and i need to start enjoying the mornings more which means more sleep at night. Oh, but i love the nights. They are so hard to let go. Each and every one of them.

Tenderness

I truly cherish each breath I have with my babes. I know how time steals chunks out of the air even when I am fully present. I thank the heavens for these beings in my life. Satya is a little Buddha. I so appreciate her calm and her giggles. She reminds me that all is as it should be.

Whining Wednesday on a Tuesday

I’m sitting here all alone with no babies crawling on me or whining at me. Incredible. I have no idea what to do with this sensation. It feels so foreign, yet so delicious. I miss myself. I have completely melted into mamahood. I’m not sure there is really a way not to when you have two little ones. It’s really a 24 hour job. It’s crazy-making. I am on call every night, all night and work 14 hour shifts. And i love to complain so its good that i have a job where there are always things to whine about. It’s just so hard!
It really releases stress when i let it out. When i list out all the things that i’m upset about, all the things that i wish were different. it feels nice. See, right now i don’t really have anyone to complain to in great batches once every few days so it sort of feels like there is a slow leak and I do nothing but whine about my life. It could just be internal, sometimes i don’t know how much actually passes my lips.

But I feel so melancholic lately. So, I will take control of this no-one- to -whine- to business and start listing it out every week. I’ll have a whine day on this blog. Today is Tuesday but I think we’ll do Whining Wednesdays cuz it sounds cooler. But I’ll start today cuz I feel lke it.

Here I go: I hate that it’s so damn hot here. Have I mentioned that before? Actually, today is a breezy 84 so not that bad but usually it’s quite unbearable.

I don’t like that it’s a treasure hunt to find organic produce here. I went out of my way to ensure that the purest ingredients went into the little tummy of my first born. After all, I made these babes from scratch and the idea of harmful pesticides and god knows what else entering their pure, beautiful bodies makes me want to cry. I have always shopped at health food stores no matter how out of the way or expensive it was. It’s just who I am. I have always purchased organic whenever available even if it has to go on the credit card. I whole-heartedly believe in organics for the good of our earth as well as for the health of our children. And here it is so hard to be true to this. There is a tiny health food store called Organika here and they carry a small selection of produce that arrives once a week and is physically fought over by my mom’s friend and a stranger lady. Regardless that the head of cauliflower that is the size of a large tomato is $4.25, it is the only place where you can find such treats. A few other places in town carry boxed lettuce from Washington for $7 and cheap organic bananas, thank god! So, unless we want to live a simple life solely on bananas, there is a bit of a struggle.

I hate that my 2 year old is so damn difficult lately. Every interaction is a possible explosion. She hits me, she says, “I don’t like u mama”. I know it’s not a huge deal but I’m just so sensitive that it actually hurts me. I feel more shut down to her and i feel like i tip toe around her if i’m not suited up for combat. I have toiled night and day for almost 3 years for her. Every two hours thru the night for 2 years, i nursed, rocked, bounced, sang to her. I massaged her with oils, sucked on her toes, gazed lovingly into her eyes, absorbed every coo and giggle and now she says with furrowed brow, “don’t look-ed at me, you can’t hold me”. It just makes me cry. I have to struggle not to take it personally and to keep pouring out the love, the patience, the compassion, the interest so that she can feel guided thru this frustrating time in her develpoment when she feels overwhelmed by all the changes both internal and external so that she doesn’t feel abandoned and yet i need to make firm boundaries so that she respects authority and learns appropriate behavior……how much am i getting paid here? Man, if she was my friend, I would have stopped calling; my boss, I would have quit; my dog, I would have given her away. Wow, she is my daughter and I have to keep plugging away, keep moving thru the dark forest of this unchartered wood. I somehow thought I would know what to do and I am lost. And I feel like I have failed her. I have failed myself. I suck at this job.

I’m bummed that my children’s childhood (even if it’s only for a short time) will be spent in a high rise apartment. I never thought that I would live in one. It’s just not me. Nothing about it feels natural. I have always needed the earth close to my front door where I can walk barefoot and run thru the tall grasses. My girls need that. All children need to spend most of their waking hours outdoors. It calms the spirit, brings imagination to their movement and enlivens the senses. Here, during Aiyana’s crazy toddler peak, we will be trapped on the 8th floor for a good part of the day. I know, I will be creative and make it the best it can be but this is a whining day remember….

Ok, babes came back from a walk, i fed, changed and put them to sleep, now I am hungry. So, enough for today. Oh, I hate that I have to eat so many times a day and i never know what to eat.

My girls are the most amazing miracles of my life! I cannot believe my dream has come true. I drink in each moment- well, most- that i get to spend with them. They are truly my teachers. If I can master myself, my mind, my emotions with every situation that arises, I will no longer be walking the path of the buddha but setting up tent under his tree!