the land of crank

I am drowning in mama overwhelm right now. it wasnt even a bad day. it was good. not great but good. i tried to keep myself in the background for the later part of the day especially after i saw that cranky inner witch poke her nose out. I yelled and rolled my eyes at aiayna . i dont even remember what it was about. Who's the child, here? I guess we both are. What a mix!

When i am irritable, cranky, bitchy, and generally just off the girls sense it with their little energy antennae and they get all out of it,too. It's hell, really. Some days i just want to be out of it and stew in my misery but it makes it so hard when i have two little mirrors showing me just how heinous i really look.

 It's so hard to be in a pissy mood when you know that everything that comes out of your mouth can throw the whole family into the land of crank. It feels like SO much responsibility. I hold the balance of our family. Our moods are so hugely dependent on my energy and most definitely my reactions. if i am centered enough to hold the space for meltdowns, owies and screaming tantrums then they pass thru like a tornado. Horrible, but completely gone after their mess is done.

BUT, when i am scrambling to pick up the pieces of my center and every whine feels like acid on a burn I crumble and then whole crew comes down with me. They are watching me ALL the time. HUGE responsibility.......

Yes, it's a ton of pressure, daily. Motherhood is a moment to moment in your face daily practice of letting your shit GO and looking in those little mirrors and admitting how ridiculous you can look.

who am i, anyway?

I have never thought of myself as controlling. i am soft, easy-going, flexible...right? Hmmm...well, the other day a dear friend was told by another that she is too hard on herself and those around her.

All night and day these words repeated themselves in a whisper simmering deeper and deeper thru the layers of my psyche until i felt a release, an admittance.

thank you. this has been me. I feel there is a part of me that is so rigid. so stuck. so scared that i might lose my hold on myself, my children, my household, my health, my beliefs.....I dont think i have always been this way. i dont think it's my natural way but somewhere on my life's journey i stiffened up; traded my magic wand for a sharp-edged sword.

its subtle. meeting me and even being a close friend you might not see this, it may even surprise you that this rigidity is such a tethered core in my being holding me together. hmmmmm

Airing out...some scattered thoughts

It's strange how we get our ideas of what is right, beautiful, what is successful, what is best, what our "shoulds" are, what is weird, and wrong and not ok. I think our mind gathers all this information over time from all of our experiences and what we see in our environments, how we are treated...our minds wrap all this up in little packages and we go about our lives with these ideas, these parameters for life.

I envision that the ultimate state of mind is one where my thoughts and actions are based on my own truths and my connection to spirit rather than merely a culmination of my past. And I hope that I have the grace to constantly let go.

This seems like the most simple way to live and yet such a momentous process of stripping away all the ideas that i have gathered over the years and really look at why i think the way i do. Its fascinating! In each moment i have thoughts running through my head that i have come to recognize as mostly useless and many even harmful. And in each moment i have a choice....

These thoughts can be critical, nasty, judgy, preachy, insensitive and down right cruel! what is the point? where do they come from if I am not selecting them? why do i let my mind go on and on about things that are not unworthy of my attention? Who's running this ship, anyway?

I truly believe that we have an enormous amount of power and that left untrained, the mind runs like a wild caged animal and can make anyone experience moments of insanity.

I am in the process of deliberately training my mind, I've worked on this before and I know it will take a lifetime of constant reminders but I hope as time goes on I can choose to make this path more and more visible so that it is easier to find my way when I get lost. Which will most likely happen again and again.

Lately, I have allowed my thoughts free range and for many reasons known and mysterious, they are not often kind. I sabotage my beauty in fear of that sweet power we all possess. I am afraid to be seen, to shine. I am afraid to offend anyone...really I am afraid to create any sort of wave. And yet my biggest fear is to lie on my deathbed, so free from all this confusion and wish that I had left all these fears in their wake and just made a wave..........my own gorgeous wave.

Instead of allowing whatever thoughts come in to plant their little seeds and fester for however long...I can, with much effort, plant my own intentional seeds and create an entirely different landscape than the one that often creeps in; one where i actually am a friend to myself. Someone who is kind, encouraging, loving and who I enjoy hanging out with. A friend who does not make snide remarks about my grays and stares at my cellulite; one who does not roll her eyes at my shortcomings nor reminds me of my unworthiness. Who would hang around such a person?! I don't think I will be calling her again or inviting her in!

Ah, it takes such effort but I cannot see another way.

over and over again

I like new, i like change, i generally do not like to repeat things. My body and mind find comfort in doing an activity again and again but there is a part of me that resists the familiar. After i do an intense yoga class or go for a long walk or do an at home exercise routine, i think "well, that's done." and a part of me thinks i should be good to go for some. i dont like the fact that i am supposed to do it again and again and again for it to really do me any good. I want my body to suddenly transform and my mind to feel that sweet peaceful surrender.

But, unfortunately, things dont work this way in the real world and in order for me to find that comfort in a "familiar" somthing i need to get familiar with it i.e. do it again and again!

I can blame this tendency on my upbringing....being allowed to dabble in piano, violin, ballet, horse-back riding, drawing, soccer while also being permitted to quit the moment i got hurt, bored or distracted. I can also point the finger at my sun sign as a pisces being easliy influenced by others or my temperment being sanguine keeping me fluttering about on a million things but never holding my interest for long. Oh, or i can blame it on the fact that i like to stay invisible and not be noticed for anything great or poor....my tendency to blend into the walls and observe the world from a quiet sitting posture.

But, whatever the reason(s), it is a trait that i have noticed for some time now and i am playing with it wondering if i can budge, staying curious but secretly hoping that i can ground myself long enough to create habits.

So, since my full -time -plus -overtime job is mama and home maker i am trying to take baby steps and teach myself as well as be an example to my children the value of doing things twice, three times, four times, every week, every season..... it's a beautiful thing but a momentous task.

I know that repetition brings security, confidence and builds a life-long appreciation for doing stuff so i am really trying to instill some of this in our daily lives. Even the smallest things...we're not talking marathon training, picasso classes and language tutors. I don't mean for me or my children to be amazing at everything...it's more about just sticking to things and doing them for the sake of exploration, or for the sake of doing anything for so long that it brings joy and comfort.

Here's to painting, drawing, pretend music classes, dance parties, tea parties, baking, riding, planting, loving, laughing, stories, puppet shows........all the things that should be done again and again!

Wow, my life is GOOD!

feeling the love, feeling grateful

"oh my beloved,
kindness of the heart,
breath of life
i bow to you
again and again"



i am flooded with grace. time with these angels is my fairy tale come true.

joy is available in every moment...even when i don't choose it

in the moments that i can drop all "shoulds" i steep in the magic of chilhood

water, bubbles, sand, mud, flour, rice....the simplest things

they are like little mirrors... i see so clearly that when there is chaos, i am disconnected from my center. i feel strongly the great responsibility as a mother to hold the emotional balance for my family. i know that it is human to lose it and to be overwhelmed, stressed and tired but how i choose to react to those feelings i model for the family and that choice has an affect. i am growing up with my children. i am consciously choosing in more moments than before how to "handle" myself.

they are my teachers

my loves

(the building in the middle is where we live, 8th floor and the ocean is to her left)

tears well when i see these little ones love each other like i love them

mama madness

From a few weeks ago....

My eyes are puffy slits this morning. The bag of frozen peas didnt do much. I had a good cry last night and my eyes do not let me get away with it the next day. It was a good sob session. One where you feel like a little child, huffing between sobs while your chest palpitates and your nose gets all stuffed up and you have to breathe thru your mouth.... you know that kind? oh, it feels good. such a release.
i have been feeling so much pressure lately, so much judgement, i cracked. mostly its an inner critic and then bits from the outside world. this inner voice has been slamming me nonstop for months now.
she's an old hag, a perfectionist, a know-it-all who narrates EVERYTHING i do. she's worn me down and brought me to sobbing tears. When i am drinking my coffee or tea in the morning she pushes me to "get going, the kids need structure, get them outside, they're bored to tears" and then when we go on our morning walk she picks "you should have an idea, an intention for the walk, you didnt bring baskets, you could be gathering treasures, you cant just meander thru the day without meaning. what are you teaching the girls about life?" And then when we are carving our jack o lantern she wonders why i dont know any halloween songs or jack o lantern stories to go along with the project, why didnt i prepare for this? it's so like me to just jump into things half-assed and unprepared"
Leave me alone you f****ing hag! AHHHHHHH, she goes on and on every day. and i know they are just little things but because this work is my job and i take it very seriously and i try to give my whole heart to my days with these precious souls....this witch's banters pierce me and wear on me. Plus, as i wrote yesterday, i feel alone in it all. No co-workers, few comrades....it's bound to drive me mad. i feel like i am taking crazy pills!
A part of me thinks i should be running this household like a preschool, I guess. Is that what i am supposed to do? Is that what stay-at-home mamas do? Sometimes i think I focus too much on the girls...i think i am supposed to do things for myself as well but it is so hard to get into projects with little ones around. i always think that maybe when satya is a bit older, it will be easier to get my paints out, write my novels :)....right now i get interrupted every 5 minutes.
some days are very smooth. there is a nice in and out rhythm to the day... a bit of outside time, projects, snuggles, stories, swimming...maybe i got a bit of yoga in. and then other days i stare at my children and wonder what the hell i am supposed to do for the next 12 hours!!