the land of crank

I am drowning in mama overwhelm right now. it wasnt even a bad day. it was good. not great but good. i tried to keep myself in the background for the later part of the day especially after i saw that cranky inner witch poke her nose out. I yelled and rolled my eyes at aiayna . i dont even remember what it was about. Who's the child, here? I guess we both are. What a mix!

When i am irritable, cranky, bitchy, and generally just off the girls sense it with their little energy antennae and they get all out of it,too. It's hell, really. Some days i just want to be out of it and stew in my misery but it makes it so hard when i have two little mirrors showing me just how heinous i really look.

 It's so hard to be in a pissy mood when you know that everything that comes out of your mouth can throw the whole family into the land of crank. It feels like SO much responsibility. I hold the balance of our family. Our moods are so hugely dependent on my energy and most definitely my reactions. if i am centered enough to hold the space for meltdowns, owies and screaming tantrums then they pass thru like a tornado. Horrible, but completely gone after their mess is done.

BUT, when i am scrambling to pick up the pieces of my center and every whine feels like acid on a burn I crumble and then whole crew comes down with me. They are watching me ALL the time. HUGE responsibility.......

Yes, it's a ton of pressure, daily. Motherhood is a moment to moment in your face daily practice of letting your shit GO and looking in those little mirrors and admitting how ridiculous you can look.

a mini rant about the panamanian worker

I'm sitting here in my kitchen while a technician is working on my dishwasher. He asked to if we had a manual for it...is that a bad thing? He sat down at the table with me and spent a good while reading the thing. hmmmm. Well, at least he's trying to get it right.

I tell ya, most Panamanians (my own experience, of course) are THE WORST at following thru, actually fixing things and providing any kind of customer service in the process. This same guy who is now texting on his phone under my dishwasher....he came a week ago, took a part and said he would be back in 2 days with the new one. Well, later that day my kitchen flooded because i turned on the water in the sink. He didnt think it necessary to tell me that the sink could not be used until he returned with said part. Ya, and then on the third day when he failed to return, we called him and he was out of town for the easter holiday. He'd be back in 3 more days. Great. thanks for letting us know. He graciously told us we could use our laundry room sink in the meantime.

Funny enough...sort of....is that this is soooooo normal here. I have a dozen stories with the same punch line....workers here are LAME!

Oh how i miss those super expensive, insured, 4 hour window visits from professionals whose work is guaranteed.

I know, minimum wage here is $1.70 so what kind of expertise can i expect....but when it takes 4 months and several tries to fix a leak in the pool (by the way, its still not fixed)? maybe you are in the wrong profession. I won't even mention the "expert" tile guy and how an installed tile fell on my husband's head and sent him to the hospital for stitches, or the "professional" window washing service who show up with windex and a paper towels or the guy who repaired the cloth ceiling in our car with elmers glue that left yellow spots.....

The problem is that here anyone can do anything because there are no standards, no laws prohibiting otherwise... nothing to protect the customers. So, in reality it's not that everybody can do anything, it's that NOBODY is trained to do ANYTHING and they all proclaim to be experts cuz they all want to get paid! AND they'll charge as they please...a pretty penny with the right address. Oh, and if you don't speak much Spanish...the price just doubled cuz you cant argue your way out of it.

grumpy tuesday

I have a million thoughts running in and out of my mind...mostly too fast to catch but i have an overall feeling of unrest. I can hardly put my finger on it but i do feel like ranting a bit. I need to release and bitch about things; you know, the small things that make me feel ashamed, self-centered and unworthy of all the graces i am given.

But, nonetheless, I am cranky and i am aware that thousands of people have recently and currently undergone major catastrophe....i really need a selfish little outlet. and only then can i be a better person.

I am so damn hot. Unless i am in an air conditioned car or room, i feel like i am running a fever. all the time. i have a constant rim of sweat above my lip, forehead and neck. my palms are hot to the touch. it's uncomfortable and it makes me really cranky. i can't handle anything because i am so hot. but, i have an energized four year old and an almost two year old who just realized that her best form of communication is the attention-getting scream....at the top of her lungs....which all makes me hotter and crankier.

I found a diseased and dying baby possum in our yard today. it was sad and gross. there were flies on his back and his tongue was dragging on the floor. anyway, i couldn't eat lunch without the sight of him flashing in my mind and gagging just a little. nice.

That poor little guy made me think about how toxic everything feels here. there are pesticides and herbicides allowed here that were banned in the good ole United States of America decades ago. This residential area sprays for mosquitoes several times a week so that we have a constant handful of bites on us rather than hundreds. Not to mention the diesel fumes from all the buses (a little salute going out to the folks who invented the recycled air button for cars, and the mechanics behind it).

i don't like buying fish even though we live on the ocean because the sewer from the city goes into the waters. When we lived on the water i used to watch the fisherman from our window and wonder how far with their little speed boats did they go to catch those fish and who are they selling them too? Needless to say, i don't eat much fish.

Ahh, starting to feel a bit of the release.

Bottled water, bread, crackers, produce, cheese....they all have a slight fragrance of laundry soap. Absolutely everything bought at the supermarkets here tastes or at the very least smells like cheap soap. I don't know why. Maybe because most things are almost expired because they come from so far away and sit in shipping containers with all those boxes and bottles and mothballs that fill that long aisle in the store of cleaning products and they have months to soak in the fragrance. It's nasty. And it makes me mad.

Ok, i think am done for now. oh, wait there's more coming. but i think i'll bitch to myself in the shower. my scalp is sweaty.

happy tuesday!

Yucky

i am not going to use caps. just to warn you. the left shift button has been successfully removed by my one year old and i just don’t feel like dealing with the right shift. it takes me off my train of thought.
today is a really thick, sticky, yucky day. honestly, the last few days have been the same. well, maybe it’s been creeping in for about a week now. i was blaming it on my period but now that i’m on the third day of it, with no sign of relief, i’m not so sure i can use that reason.
i have been feeling “up” for months now so i’m not sure what happened. to start, i need to just let out the superficial stuff that is irritating me: i need a yard, i want to live on the ground floor, i want to plant and dig and i want my babes to get dirty with our own dirt, not some park dirt that is mixed with dirty straws, popsicle sticks and other people. i want my own. i feel so stuck and isolated in this apartment. i want privacy but i want to be outside. i want to be outside without anyone else watching me or any rules to follow. i need mother earth. i crave her.
i don’t know how to be a mama when i feel like this. i can’t connect to myself, let alone my babies. i dont know how to meet them and to hold space for tantrums and upsets, to nourish their bodies, and be creative with play. it’s all too much for me right now. i feel overwhelmed. satya had a febrile seizure two weeks ago and that experience lives in a tight little bubble of stress above my stomach. roseola is going around right now and we might have been exposed and that is adding air to that bubble. i am so scared that she’ll get a fever and i’ll have to watch her little body seize again. i hate that. i feel her forehead 37 times a day. after that horrible experience we were so fragile that we gave her the prescription antibiotics for some minor infection she had. i hate that, too. i never gave aiyana antibiotics, and of course i would if either kid really needed it, but i don’t think this was that situation. some part of my traumatized self probably thought that it would make the seizure better. and now she has a horrible diaper rash because her system got all out of whack. and there is no one here for me to go see or to get help from. they are all so conventional. i feel weak. i haven’t forgiven myself for that. maybe somewhere, too, i blame myself that she had a seizure. my body made her and something went wrong. the thermostat in her brain isn’t working right. thank god its not a lifelong thing. i just have to make it thru 4 more years! i feel helpless.
i’m lonely. there are not many people in the world who can bring comfort and witness me entirely in my yuckiness and meet me there and hold me until i melt. there are a few, thank god. am i supposed to be able to pull myself out of this alone? is that the goal? aren’t we made to live in herds? there are few animals who live alone. i’m not one of them. i need my people. they nourish me, inspire me and bring purpose to my smiles. i want to live on a farm where there is so much freedom, so much earth, so much purpose and i want to be surrounded by my people and gather often, learn to sew together, drum, dance, bathe, paint, cook ,eat, sing. it’s all so much richer in group. my voice just doesn’t sound that great alone. i cant instill in my children the kind of purpose i want life to have alone. i need my village. where is my village?
i’m not even sure i really like having a maid. she has taken part of my job away, which is good but now what am i supposed to do? sad, i know. there must be a million things to do besides cleaning and laundry. and yes, there are but in the waldorf philosophy much of the daily activities with the young child are based around the tasks of the homemaker. the little ones mimic your work and physically work beside you. play and crafts are added to the day but cannot be the main part. maybe i’m spending too much close attention to them. i need to do busy things close to them so they see me hard at work. so i guess, projects or things that i like to do. what do i like to do? write, read, draw. ahhhhh. i feel like i am always self- analyzing and telling myself where i need to be better and what needs to change. its tiring. do other people just live without so much inner dialog? i want to be ok with myself and just be in peace and love and act accordingly. why is that so hard for me? see, there it is again! and again! b r e a t h e
my hair is half grey, really at least 1/3. its sad and scary. my boobs sag. i have to wash under them now. yeah. not cool. i could go on but its making me feel sad. i dont really want to pick on myself physically on a blog. that hurts my feelings.
today i told my 3 year old that mama feels yucky in her body and i’m cranky and i don’t feel alot of love in my body. she told me that our dog oso will give me some love. that felt good. not to look to the dog for love but to be honest with her and not pretend that i’m a perfect, happy, energetic mama.
ok, gotta shower before we go off to our play group.

Whining Wednesday on a Tuesday

I’m sitting here all alone with no babies crawling on me or whining at me. Incredible. I have no idea what to do with this sensation. It feels so foreign, yet so delicious. I miss myself. I have completely melted into mamahood. I’m not sure there is really a way not to when you have two little ones. It’s really a 24 hour job. It’s crazy-making. I am on call every night, all night and work 14 hour shifts. And i love to complain so its good that i have a job where there are always things to whine about. It’s just so hard!
It really releases stress when i let it out. When i list out all the things that i’m upset about, all the things that i wish were different. it feels nice. See, right now i don’t really have anyone to complain to in great batches once every few days so it sort of feels like there is a slow leak and I do nothing but whine about my life. It could just be internal, sometimes i don’t know how much actually passes my lips.

But I feel so melancholic lately. So, I will take control of this no-one- to -whine- to business and start listing it out every week. I’ll have a whine day on this blog. Today is Tuesday but I think we’ll do Whining Wednesdays cuz it sounds cooler. But I’ll start today cuz I feel lke it.

Here I go: I hate that it’s so damn hot here. Have I mentioned that before? Actually, today is a breezy 84 so not that bad but usually it’s quite unbearable.

I don’t like that it’s a treasure hunt to find organic produce here. I went out of my way to ensure that the purest ingredients went into the little tummy of my first born. After all, I made these babes from scratch and the idea of harmful pesticides and god knows what else entering their pure, beautiful bodies makes me want to cry. I have always shopped at health food stores no matter how out of the way or expensive it was. It’s just who I am. I have always purchased organic whenever available even if it has to go on the credit card. I whole-heartedly believe in organics for the good of our earth as well as for the health of our children. And here it is so hard to be true to this. There is a tiny health food store called Organika here and they carry a small selection of produce that arrives once a week and is physically fought over by my mom’s friend and a stranger lady. Regardless that the head of cauliflower that is the size of a large tomato is $4.25, it is the only place where you can find such treats. A few other places in town carry boxed lettuce from Washington for $7 and cheap organic bananas, thank god! So, unless we want to live a simple life solely on bananas, there is a bit of a struggle.

I hate that my 2 year old is so damn difficult lately. Every interaction is a possible explosion. She hits me, she says, “I don’t like u mama”. I know it’s not a huge deal but I’m just so sensitive that it actually hurts me. I feel more shut down to her and i feel like i tip toe around her if i’m not suited up for combat. I have toiled night and day for almost 3 years for her. Every two hours thru the night for 2 years, i nursed, rocked, bounced, sang to her. I massaged her with oils, sucked on her toes, gazed lovingly into her eyes, absorbed every coo and giggle and now she says with furrowed brow, “don’t look-ed at me, you can’t hold me”. It just makes me cry. I have to struggle not to take it personally and to keep pouring out the love, the patience, the compassion, the interest so that she can feel guided thru this frustrating time in her develpoment when she feels overwhelmed by all the changes both internal and external so that she doesn’t feel abandoned and yet i need to make firm boundaries so that she respects authority and learns appropriate behavior……how much am i getting paid here? Man, if she was my friend, I would have stopped calling; my boss, I would have quit; my dog, I would have given her away. Wow, she is my daughter and I have to keep plugging away, keep moving thru the dark forest of this unchartered wood. I somehow thought I would know what to do and I am lost. And I feel like I have failed her. I have failed myself. I suck at this job.

I’m bummed that my children’s childhood (even if it’s only for a short time) will be spent in a high rise apartment. I never thought that I would live in one. It’s just not me. Nothing about it feels natural. I have always needed the earth close to my front door where I can walk barefoot and run thru the tall grasses. My girls need that. All children need to spend most of their waking hours outdoors. It calms the spirit, brings imagination to their movement and enlivens the senses. Here, during Aiyana’s crazy toddler peak, we will be trapped on the 8th floor for a good part of the day. I know, I will be creative and make it the best it can be but this is a whining day remember….

Ok, babes came back from a walk, i fed, changed and put them to sleep, now I am hungry. So, enough for today. Oh, I hate that I have to eat so many times a day and i never know what to eat.