who am i, anyway?

I have never thought of myself as controlling. i am soft, easy-going, flexible...right? Hmmm...well, the other day a dear friend was told by another that she is too hard on herself and those around her.

All night and day these words repeated themselves in a whisper simmering deeper and deeper thru the layers of my psyche until i felt a release, an admittance.

thank you. this has been me. I feel there is a part of me that is so rigid. so stuck. so scared that i might lose my hold on myself, my children, my household, my health, my beliefs.....I dont think i have always been this way. i dont think it's my natural way but somewhere on my life's journey i stiffened up; traded my magic wand for a sharp-edged sword.

its subtle. meeting me and even being a close friend you might not see this, it may even surprise you that this rigidity is such a tethered core in my being holding me together. hmmmmm

alone time

There is a light dusting of snow on the ground this morning. It looks pretty from inside my little home with my hot coffee steaming next to me.

papa took the girls to a birthday party this morning so i have a couple of hours to myself. it's quiet. i can hear the heat blowing from the vents. strange. i have a million ideas of what i can do with this time and as i sit here i see the minutes ticking by and a brief panic washes over.

i want to relax, feel nourished, get energized and do nothing all at the same time.....maybe read a book, take a nap, talk to a friend, take a bath, go on a walk, get my dried paints and lonely brushes out, write here in this dusty blog, eat, drink more coffee and give myself a facial....and the clock keeps ticking and stealing away my precious minutes alone.

i even pondered going with them today. i kinda didnt want to miss the cuteness of it all. i like watching my girl's reactions to new experiences, i like to witness their joy and see their smiles and their delight. I dont like to miss any of it and i havent missed much in the last 5 years. but now i realize that its time to miss some of those moments because it is only then that i can catch glimpses of a woman i once knew.

the mama mask can sit on the shelf for a few luscious moments and i will only be the better for it.