breath

i have this natural tendency to shush a screaming baby....my screaming baby and to silence or distract a tantrumming toddler. the shrills get under my skin and my ears ring and my eyes widen and my instincts tell me to make it stop. It's annoying and unsettling. I dont like it.

i like peace, beauty, laughter, smiles, the smell of lillies and of fresh bread; i like sweet children who say please and thank you and who snuggle into your arms and whisper "i love you mama"...and i like it when my 3 year old (as she did tonight at dinner) tells me how proud of me she is. You see, i like all these things, they make me smile and i like to smile.

What i don't like is the overwhelm that creeps over me when there is too much noise, when there is crying, hitting, conflict... I've never been into arguments and meanies. I guess i never really knew (and am just learning) how to handle and be ok with other emotions besides the soft, happy ones.

We are beautiful human beings who have the capacity to experience a myriad of feelings that rush through all parts of our bodies and release their own concoctions of hormones. It's really amazing! I tell myself that there is beauty in all of it and it is only recently that i have started to truly believe that for myself.

In a moment the other day when i woke feeling a bit depressed i had the urge to just feel that way and to not come up with a dozen things that might get me out of that feeling. ways that would make me feel "good" and happy...you know, the way we are "supposed" to feel. I just stewed in melancholy. And with that permission, it actually felt comfortable. I felt slow and sensitive. I breathed deeply and slowly and did not expect or wish that moment to be any different.

And then something awesome happened.

there

was

space.

space for me, space for tantrums, space for all and anything that arose.

Aiyana was upset and time and space slowed and i had breath and i watched her emotion, her anger and mirrored it for her and sat with her and we watched it pass then we hugged.

i want my girls to witness and feel the full spectrum of emotion and love themselves through it and know that we are forever changing and that it can all be ok. and i see so poignantly how inner work is crucial as a conscious parent. its the only way.

it seems like when there is breath....space....in between it's like we are caressing each moment, each sensation with just a little bit of peace....or love....and only then is there room for all of us in all our moments.

Panama Tour: Playa Blanca and Gorgona

Oh the beach.....

My favorite part about living here in Panama is the beach. Unfortunately, the beach right outside of our apartment is not swimmable. No beach less than an hour away from the city is suitable to touch because of the "poopy water", as aiyana calls it.

But, not too far away there are great beaches. They are not comparable to the Mexican Riviera but they do satiate a deep desire to be held by the water and to play in the sand. It really makes me feel unbelievably lucky and happy each and every time we go! I'm a beach girl...always have been. When we first moved here we went to a beach every weekend and then we got lazy and go once or twice per month. It takes alot to get this family out the door. Our baggage for 2 days resembles all my belongings that i packed my car with when i left home at 17. It' pretty ridiculous. (I'll snap a shot of the piles next time)

We went to the Playa Blanca Resort for a night. We're not really resort-type folks but we gladly accepted the free invite Abel received for the grand opening of their ginormous salt water pool!

this is a portion of the pool (1/3) with filtered ocean water! it is truly incredible!

the water is cleaner than the ocean and no little critters

and they even surrounded it with sand!

for the remainder of the weekend we rented our usual casita in Gorgona. It's perfect...and on the ground floor with a door that opens up to the outdoors!!!

and a pool that the girls love to play in!

the sand is peppered and the tide is often high but we lucked out and were able to play for hours in the sand

and even do a little yoga

wide, open beach...the girls can be loud, run, far, and get mesmerized by the sounds of the waves...my heaven

the care-takers' kids...there are 6 of them...these are the youngest

oh, how i miss Whole Foods! these mini supers are so depressing. i can hardly find a single thing suitable for consumption. seriously, that front case is nothing but hot dogs and the shelves are stocked with dusty bags of chips, bimbo bread, and ramen noodles. but, alas, no health food store in sight! Wahhhhhhh. we usually make do with fruit from local stands and stuff we bring from home.

aiyana is so gentle with her satya. it is a blessing to watch their relationship deepen

you know how people always say to cherish this time with your children...they are only little for such a short time.....hold them close cuz they won't let you when they are older.....blah, blah, blah.

well, i do. i REALLY do AND they still get older day by day and time still races. and i find it a tad painful.

Halloween!

Celebrating holidays with little ones is sooo much fun! I am much more inspired, now that i have children, to put in the effort to make a holiday festive. I love fall with the colors, the squash, the roasted seeds, the hot tea and all the yummy baking. However, halloween was never really one of my favorite celebrations. Probably because my mom always avoided it like the plague. Spooky, scary costumes, spiders, and candy are not my mom's idea of a good time. She is and has always been into natural foods and the idea of even passing out sugar anything to innocent children is absolutely out of the question. So, in order to avoid my mom passing out pencils or raisins we all hid in one room with the lights out while the trick or treaters passed us by. I think in high school my friends made me go to one house and say trick or treat as some kind of rite of passage.

There were a few years in elementary schoolwhen we lived in our spiritual community in California that the parents and teachers created a magical journey full of beautiful costumes, tents, riddles, lake crossings, homemade sweets and prizes. This really set the standard for halloween and nothing has been able to match it. Although, i hear that many waldorf schools pull off a magical experience for their communities which i am excited to be a part of by next halloween with my littles!

Nonetheless, we had a wonderful celebration here in Panama. With trick or treating and all! And we made it through without a lick of candy!

my three angels...i adore them! (why can't they just smile for the pic?)

Satya trying out her magic wand on Oso. she said "poof"

Aiyana loved to say "trick or treat" really loudly!

she thought this was way cool!

the trick or treaters!

satya's thoughts on the evening

it started raining so we ran back to the party for a little drumming

fortunately, we got home just in time to light our jack 'o lantern candle (sin pumpkin as it got moldy and grew green hair a few days before) and leave all the candy out for the halloween fairies....because they trade candy for a gift for those kids who don't eat candy.....

and in just a little while the candy was gone a new train and some tracks were left! thank you jack o lantern fairy!!!!

testing out the new tracks!