mama guilt

What is it that creeps over me like a plague, slumps my shoulders and sucks all my goodness right out of me? Oh, is that mama guilt? that intense feeling that comes when i am doing anything that might resemble something "just" for me?

like sitting here at the computer in the daylight hours and NOT playing with my kids or cleaning the floors or preparing wholesome foods...i have this sick idea of what the perfect mother is. and i get so frustrated that she is impossible for me to live up to. I dont know where it comes from or how it snuck itself into my head. but its there and it sucks!

there are actually certain mamas that host certain blogs that i cannot even look at because they portray themselves as that perfect matriarch with those sweet kids , that great house on all that land with all her freshly baked bread and crafty cuteness. i love it so much that i can't stand it!

weaning the littlest

She is curled up in her bed while i caress her big sister to sleep. she didnt want me to snuggle her tonight.
first time ever...she always wants me. strange. its another phase in her process of letting go of her babyhood, i suppose.
today is monday and she had her "last nurse" on friday night. it is so bittersweet for me. i have been wanting to wean for several months now. she loves the boob so much but about half the time we nursed i felt so irritable like i wanted to flick her off.
terrible, i know.
so, i knew our time was drawing to an end. on saturday we made a big deal of her first day of being a big girl. she got a "big girl" water bottle and i baked her a cake and we even got a few balloons at her request. i told her how proud of her i am and she said, "i'm not going to cry, i'm not going to be sad, i am going to be happy".
hmmm, i loved her attitude but of course it didnt last too long ;) i thought maybe i would let her nurse til she weaned herself but knowing her, she would nurse til she was 8! the last 8 months have been just for nap, bed and if i am lounging in my bed in the morning.
so, it wasnt on demand, thank god!

My body is ready to be mine...all mine again.

cooking like a supermom

I feel like a super mom on the days when i have projects going, bread baking, soup simmering and i have not let myself get all wound up with every little tantrum.

Most of all, I really feel pretty darn amazing when i cook great, nourishing food for my family. I have been loving to cook lately. I don't necessarily like doing it 3 times a day 7 days a week but i thoroughly enjoy about half of those. I have been wanting to delve into one cuisine maybe for two weeks or so and just really explore the flavors. Not sure where to begin. maybe indian, thai, mexican????? I have to figure out how to set this up simply, so i dont fail. I usually get totally inspired to create these magnificent meals and then 2 days later i am staring into the fridge not knowing what in the world to feed my children.

who am i, anyway?

I have never thought of myself as controlling. i am soft, easy-going, flexible...right? Hmmm...well, the other day a dear friend was told by another that she is too hard on herself and those around her.

All night and day these words repeated themselves in a whisper simmering deeper and deeper thru the layers of my psyche until i felt a release, an admittance.

thank you. this has been me. I feel there is a part of me that is so rigid. so stuck. so scared that i might lose my hold on myself, my children, my household, my health, my beliefs.....I dont think i have always been this way. i dont think it's my natural way but somewhere on my life's journey i stiffened up; traded my magic wand for a sharp-edged sword.

its subtle. meeting me and even being a close friend you might not see this, it may even surprise you that this rigidity is such a tethered core in my being holding me together. hmmmmm

alone time

There is a light dusting of snow on the ground this morning. It looks pretty from inside my little home with my hot coffee steaming next to me.

papa took the girls to a birthday party this morning so i have a couple of hours to myself. it's quiet. i can hear the heat blowing from the vents. strange. i have a million ideas of what i can do with this time and as i sit here i see the minutes ticking by and a brief panic washes over.

i want to relax, feel nourished, get energized and do nothing all at the same time.....maybe read a book, take a nap, talk to a friend, take a bath, go on a walk, get my dried paints and lonely brushes out, write here in this dusty blog, eat, drink more coffee and give myself a facial....and the clock keeps ticking and stealing away my precious minutes alone.

i even pondered going with them today. i kinda didnt want to miss the cuteness of it all. i like watching my girl's reactions to new experiences, i like to witness their joy and see their smiles and their delight. I dont like to miss any of it and i havent missed much in the last 5 years. but now i realize that its time to miss some of those moments because it is only then that i can catch glimpses of a woman i once knew.

the mama mask can sit on the shelf for a few luscious moments and i will only be the better for it.

"does that tree feel fall too mama?"

Sitting here with the smell of squash, sage and onions roasting in the oven. mmmmmmmmm fall. I haven't experienced fall for 3 years! the changing of the leaves from green to yellow, red, orange, the soft light in the afternoon, the crisp air in the morning and night (well, actually the freezing air!) I love it all. my body is soaking this up and melting into this change. We are all "feeling fall" and starting to show our softer colors, our deepest hues.

yay, hibernation is right around the corner and oh do i need this. I'm not fooling myself....i know there is not going to be much down time with two littles in the house but the energy is different in the winter; its slower, quieter, less is expected, less goes on. this time brings about the desire to bake, drink tea, stare off into the trees, draw, tell longer stories, snuggle more, love longer.

i feel full of joy for this experience, this time, this place, my family, the love, the mess, the joy.

going numb

My tendency is to go numb whenever there is alot going on emotionally for me. I go on auto pilot taking care of all my family duties blindly but my essence is stuck somewhere hovering inches above my body and i just do what i have to to get by day to day.

I do all that i can to keep myself from entering this hole of unknown gunk...the emotional laundry that has been piling up for weeks now...months probably. In my moments alone I eat, i clean, i watch movies, browse the internet, drown myself in worry and guilt for all the things i do wrong as a mother....really i stuff my head, my heart, my face with anything that can take away the blinding fact that there are tender spots inside me that need tending to.

Why am i so resistant to taking care of myself? yes, i give non-stop all day long to my children so the moment i leave their room at night i crave a quick fix, something that will momentarily quench the thirst for true connection; chocolate, wine, pastries, stupid tv shows, internet shopping.....My energy is spent, my reserves are empty. But is that excuse enough? I want to be a mother more than anything else in this life but i also want to find that sweet balance where i have space to shine no matter what is going on within my household.

I know what i need. i need hot baths, facials, quiet reading time, meditation, yoga, walks, sleep. Any one of these on a daily basis would slowly start to take the tip off the mountain of self-neglect. But even though i "know" what i need i usually choose the quick fix. what's wrong with me? how do i get ahead just enough so i have the energy to give back to myself?

well, even as i write this i feel my breath deepen and a familiar part of me awaken. it has been too long....this time away. how can i as a mother not disappear as a woman? and maybe even blossom and thrive? is it possible to be the kind of mother i am and want to be and be fully myself? hmmmm.

landing

We arrived here in Boulder 4 weeks ago already. I am so in love with the smells, the feel here. i feel comfortable... at peace and so grateful that this place is my home. what a life i have!

the food at the stores, the organics, the baked goods, the take out places...oh my! I love that i can get to the store in 2 minutes and get all the things i have been dreaming about for 2 years! the body care, the supplements, the coconut ice creams! i really have to limit my trips out because i just want everything!

It's a bit overwhelming at the same time. i feel like a kid in a candy store who is getting all she wants and is about to freak out in tantrum. I havent had the space to process any of this. the move. the newness. the familiar. our old house. old friends. with 2 kids i focus solely on getting us all clothed, fed, hugged, walked, rested. i dont know how to take moments to let this all soak in. or maybe i do but for some reason i am wearing water repellent gear and none of it is getting in.

I want to lie down in this place and wrap the streets, the trees, the people, the food, the air, the rain all around my body so tightly until i feel satiated. I want to land in this place and i dont know how to make that happen. I feel spacey and scattered. and maybe that's ok for now. maybe that's just what is and the rest will come.

the settling

We arrived in Boulder one month ago already. the time has flown and yet my panama existence seems far far away. I close my eyes and try to put myself back there with all the smells, sights and feelings of that time but the picture is getting less and less clear. It feels so much like home here i just want to lie down and wrap myself up in this place. I feel so at peace and so grateful for being here now.

I love everything here. i know this fresh look may fade but for now i am like a kid in a candy store. I walk around town with eyes wide open amazed at the simplicity and ease that this city holds.

Panama Tour: Isla Contadora

Our Papa-day/Abel bday weekend getaway to Isla Contadora, one of the 100 Pearl Islands off Panama's pacific coast...50 miles from the city

we took the ferry at 8 am...a bit early for us but we made it!

it was a totally smooth ride on a new, clean catamaran

$78 roundtrip p/person

one and a half hour ride

(and yes, aiyana is wearing long sleeves and layers in this heat....it's what she does and i choose my battles)

my little cutie sportin her pink panama hat

once we got the island we had to take a little boat to the sand...no piers...and the water?...well....ya

we stayed at Villa Romantica which has one of the best locations on the island but desperately needs a little remodeling help

and the perfect view from our window...we napped with the doors wide open listening to nothing but the lapping of the waves...and i fell asleep wondering if i might just turn into an island gypsy

and to keep the littles occupied they had a huge chess set

we left our perfect little beach and decided to walk around and find another through the thick rain forest

and down a little road until....

we found another little piece of paradise

and played in the tiny little waves and soaked up the ocean air and a bit too much sun

there was a little river that ran to the sea where satya compiled her treasures

and aiyana basked in her perfect "papa-day" (as she calls the weekends)

and i fully inhaled the serenity of escaping from the city to a most magical place even if just for a night

and i soaked in those sweet moments when life feels complete and sweet and where i have to stop myself from gobling up these delicious babes

and then we walked back

and ate and breathed in our last moments of our little isla getaway

the agony of thought

I have stood in the open door of the fridge so many times in the last few days munching on a chunk of hazelnut chocolate, then a chunk of cheese, then a pickle, then a chunk of bread, some carrots, a tomato..maybe more chocolate and then a few spoonfulls of strawberry ice cream (haagan dazs of course). I stuff my face for a few minutes then walk away as if that's gonna solve things....as if all those yummies will stuff me enough to quiet my mind just for a few minutes.

Every time i go to the chinese doc here the receptionist translates his mandarin to her spanese telling me not to think so much. I knowingly nod because its so true....my mind doesnt stop! i think about everything and then i think about how much i'm thinking. Several times a day i have to intentionally close my eyes, breath deeply and visualize my thoughts streaming out of my ears just to create some space.

Its no wonder that all that is going on right now has spun me into a whirlwind of "what-ifs" and fantasies about so many different ways my life could go right now. You see, i have been begging the universe to let me go home since we moved here. I have been waiting for my life to pick back up where i left it 2 years ago. I gave birth to my sweet #2, packed our bags and left all behind that created my little nest. The postpartum hormones and the shock of facing life in a foreign country has never really worn off. And I just purchased one way tickets back home but the days prior i was a wreck and still am.

I have lived and lost myself in the day to day of raising two spirited little ones and i have loved my moments with them but i have always wished that i was home. I have kept buried in my heart this yearning on an almost daily basis. And yet these past few days i have considered prolonging this adventure for practical reasons or maybe just for some sort of masochistic high.

there are moments here that are so magical and that match very near to what i thought my paradise was that i find myself adrift quite a different fantasy. one where i find my peace right here in the rain forest eating mangoes and building fairy houses out of sea shells with my girls. I find these moments invigorating and very confusing as if hating every minute would be easier....more in line with my plan to go home.

honestly, i don't like the daily grind here. i dont think that i have kept that a mystery. As i'm sure i have mentioned before, it is so damn hot that all my inspiration and drive melts off my body 5 minutes after i wake up. I swear this is probably the biggest problem.

Ya, there's that plus 80-90% humidity non stop!

And then there's the whole latin-ness of this city. the sheer overwhelm that is the streets. It's the noise, the exhaust.....


the poverty, the wealth and the crazy gap between that is too disturbing to my hippie self who wants justice for all.





What's strange to me is that it's hard to leave. It's so many things. it's the simple fact that moving a family is a big deal but i can feel much more complex stirrings going on inside of me. the "hardships" of this place has been such good fodder for my complaints and my stuckedness. And now, with "paradise" at my fingertips i will have to be responsible for my happiness and what if it doesnt just come when i step off the plane like those little purple pills? And what am i giving up by not forging on here? How will i survive in the desert, in the snow? What will i do without the ocean and the sand and the tropical fruits? How will i build what i think i want? what if this idea i have of home is just in my mind?

....oh there is so much more but i just got tired and brain is shutting down.....for now.

tidbits

one
I have had too many things renting space in my head and i have gone so far away from writing that i forget what peace it brings me to throw my thoughts out into space and watch them fly away. The less i do it the less familiar it is and the harder it is to sit here and share.

two
with the whole world at our fingertips how do we choose our home? I dont really have a home but i have been chasing the desire to go back to boulder ever since i left 2 years ago. I get scared that i've dressed it up too much in my head. What if its not what i really want?

three
We are going back to colorado in one month!!!!!!!and i have so many mixed feelings about it all. Mostly i am so excited that tears flow each and every time i think of it. but it means so much change and there is a part of me that likes to stay put even if it stinks. it's so weird.