a mini rant about the panamanian worker

I'm sitting here in my kitchen while a technician is working on my dishwasher. He asked to if we had a manual for it...is that a bad thing? He sat down at the table with me and spent a good while reading the thing. hmmmm. Well, at least he's trying to get it right.

I tell ya, most Panamanians (my own experience, of course) are THE WORST at following thru, actually fixing things and providing any kind of customer service in the process. This same guy who is now texting on his phone under my dishwasher....he came a week ago, took a part and said he would be back in 2 days with the new one. Well, later that day my kitchen flooded because i turned on the water in the sink. He didnt think it necessary to tell me that the sink could not be used until he returned with said part. Ya, and then on the third day when he failed to return, we called him and he was out of town for the easter holiday. He'd be back in 3 more days. Great. thanks for letting us know. He graciously told us we could use our laundry room sink in the meantime.

Funny enough...sort of....is that this is soooooo normal here. I have a dozen stories with the same punch line....workers here are LAME!

Oh how i miss those super expensive, insured, 4 hour window visits from professionals whose work is guaranteed.

I know, minimum wage here is $1.70 so what kind of expertise can i expect....but when it takes 4 months and several tries to fix a leak in the pool (by the way, its still not fixed)? maybe you are in the wrong profession. I won't even mention the "expert" tile guy and how an installed tile fell on my husband's head and sent him to the hospital for stitches, or the "professional" window washing service who show up with windex and a paper towels or the guy who repaired the cloth ceiling in our car with elmers glue that left yellow spots.....

The problem is that here anyone can do anything because there are no standards, no laws prohibiting otherwise... nothing to protect the customers. So, in reality it's not that everybody can do anything, it's that NOBODY is trained to do ANYTHING and they all proclaim to be experts cuz they all want to get paid! AND they'll charge as they please...a pretty penny with the right address. Oh, and if you don't speak much Spanish...the price just doubled cuz you cant argue your way out of it.

stuff is cooler than i thought

I have this crazy yearning to nest. It's so intense that i physically feel it gnawing in my gut. It's been lingering for awhile now. It feels like the kind they talk about that women experience before birth. I never did get the urge to organize and clean before either of my two littles arrived but i am sure making up for it now! My hormones are raging and screaming for me to carve a nook for my family and to stay put.

I day dream about creating cozy corners in MY home, painting MY walls, taking books off MY shelves to peruse on MY couch while staring out the window and admiring MY garden and MY curtains. In my head, i have decorated a gorgeous room for the girls...you should see it!

For the past 2 years and even longer, I have lived like each place is too temporary to settle into to. I cant hang things up or buy cute bedspreads knowing that i am not going to be here for very long. I just can't do it. It doesnt feel right. And yet i feel so lost in a way.

My husband always says that we should live like this is it in every moment and not wait for anything else to come.....he wants us to carve out a home in every house that we live in and i just havent been able to do it. If i know that i will leave in a certain amount of time than why empty out that box, why put up shelves and why buy towels of the perfect color? To me, there is no point.

We are currently living in this awesome house, fully furnished complete with silverware and hand towels. It's my mama's house and they are in the process of selling it....they moved away and gave us the opportunity to live in a totally secure neighborhood and have a huge house with a pool, a yard and hoses that occupy my babes for hours....an awesome change from apartment living!

But, not much in this house belongs to me and although i dont get too attached to things and joyfully sold and gave away our entire house before moving here....i want more than anything to have stuff again! I know, there is nothing zen about the whole thing and i question what it is i really need and why should things make me happy. after all, i really thought i was a gypsy at heart and that the whole world was my home. And maybe that is partly true but what i need right now for my own sense of security and nourishment for my soul is a home full of MY things placed in corners specifically with my intention and photos hung on walls because i chose it.

I feel far away from the days where i rejoiced in having nothing more than a trunk full of stuff. I could go anywhere in a blink. I still romanticize that notion and that freedom but with little ones i want nothing more than one single place to call home.

And thank the gods and goddesses that my time is just around the corner....3 months to go and we will be back in Boulder, Colorado where my heart says is home at least for now. We will leave this 3,500 sq foot house for a 1000 sq ft home...but, since we have to leave the maid behind our tiny house might be just right! WOOHOO!!!!

my littlest little turns 2!

I am all choked up over here with satya turning 2! I looked thru my birth pictures and allowed all the feelings and sensations of that day to wash over me. I felt like i was in a haze today with all the memories of her birth. There are so many things i need to process about that time (but that's for another post).

Two years ago i became a mother of two. What a transition! I love having my two little girls. they are magical. life just keeps going and i want more time to simmer in these memories; in these days of chubby fingers and baby voices. I can't stand the idea that my girls won't always be little. So much of me wants to keep them mine and not have them grow up and into themselves.

Mothering is such a bittersweet process. It's hard to let go of the beautiful past and not wish with all my soul that i could touch that newborn face and smell that newborn body and listen to those little coos. I want more than the memories.



Well, at least she is just 2! Imagine my tears when they turn 16, 20, 30! I think i may have to have another just to prolong this whole growing up thing.


Well, here's to my strong birth, my first 2 years as a mother of 2 and to my beautiful, powerful, fiery, sweet satya amina! Happy birthday littlest!

grumpy tuesday

I have a million thoughts running in and out of my mind...mostly too fast to catch but i have an overall feeling of unrest. I can hardly put my finger on it but i do feel like ranting a bit. I need to release and bitch about things; you know, the small things that make me feel ashamed, self-centered and unworthy of all the graces i am given.

But, nonetheless, I am cranky and i am aware that thousands of people have recently and currently undergone major catastrophe....i really need a selfish little outlet. and only then can i be a better person.

I am so damn hot. Unless i am in an air conditioned car or room, i feel like i am running a fever. all the time. i have a constant rim of sweat above my lip, forehead and neck. my palms are hot to the touch. it's uncomfortable and it makes me really cranky. i can't handle anything because i am so hot. but, i have an energized four year old and an almost two year old who just realized that her best form of communication is the attention-getting scream....at the top of her lungs....which all makes me hotter and crankier.

I found a diseased and dying baby possum in our yard today. it was sad and gross. there were flies on his back and his tongue was dragging on the floor. anyway, i couldn't eat lunch without the sight of him flashing in my mind and gagging just a little. nice.

That poor little guy made me think about how toxic everything feels here. there are pesticides and herbicides allowed here that were banned in the good ole United States of America decades ago. This residential area sprays for mosquitoes several times a week so that we have a constant handful of bites on us rather than hundreds. Not to mention the diesel fumes from all the buses (a little salute going out to the folks who invented the recycled air button for cars, and the mechanics behind it).

i don't like buying fish even though we live on the ocean because the sewer from the city goes into the waters. When we lived on the water i used to watch the fisherman from our window and wonder how far with their little speed boats did they go to catch those fish and who are they selling them too? Needless to say, i don't eat much fish.

Ahh, starting to feel a bit of the release.

Bottled water, bread, crackers, produce, cheese....they all have a slight fragrance of laundry soap. Absolutely everything bought at the supermarkets here tastes or at the very least smells like cheap soap. I don't know why. Maybe because most things are almost expired because they come from so far away and sit in shipping containers with all those boxes and bottles and mothballs that fill that long aisle in the store of cleaning products and they have months to soak in the fragrance. It's nasty. And it makes me mad.

Ok, i think am done for now. oh, wait there's more coming. but i think i'll bitch to myself in the shower. my scalp is sweaty.

happy tuesday!

sharing the art of self-love

Aiyana is lying on the floor next to me on a yoga mat, her skin glistening with cocoa butter and lavender oil, fast asleep. What a delicious baby growing into a magical girl.

Today after putting little Satya down for her nap. Aiyana amd I pulled out the mats, the oils, put on some relaxing music and rubbed each other. She is quite the masseuse! I adore her touch and she loves to give it. I rubbed her sweet little body, her growing feet, her perfect skin and after about 20 minutes she fell deeply asleep. Ahh, bliss!

I adore these moments together where we are loving ourselves and quieting the world; where i am remembering and she is learning to slow down and practice the art of caring for our bodies and spirits in a way that seems to have gone almost extinct in this world.

I began my cycle today, my period, my "bleed" (as Aiyana calls it). And perhaps it is an occurrence that is mostly hushed in our society, a word/an experience that is so private that is has become awkward to mention but i don't abide by those unspoken rules. In my world this time is honored and the change in my household is marked by a day or two of rest, picnics on the floor, long showers, body rubs, soulful music, books, snuggles, daydreaming, sunbathing, tea....all that is nourishing to the senses and soul.

In these first days i feel so grounded, so at peace, so strong in my knowing of what is needed and i feel breath in every moment....and space, enough space to encounter each interaction with grace. Time slows down and everything is calm. I feel connected to a deep part of my being that is so ancient and mysterious that i hardly care to speak. I feel full. I am in complete stillness with all things inside and out. It's an incredible time and one that i no longer try to resist.

This day, each month, i let all things go and in that settling i find my greatest joy and all the stress and confusion and guilt that is part of motherhood has no place...and from here i can share with aiyana the luscious connection that must be had between women. That beautiful space that we can hold for each other that allows our masks to fall away and our souls to feast.

It truly is a heaven of our own making!

our february/march days

Well, almost 2 years since we moved to this crazy city and i am finally learning to appreciate a few aspects of living in the tropics.....especially in february and march when much of the US and Canada is freezing their buns off!





The girls are so into their little kitchen. While i cook in the evenings they get busy too. I give them all sorts of old spices, beans, cheap flours...and they create amazing soups! True chefs in the making!







And a sweet little just-turned-4 year old on a special date with mama at a coffee shop eating whip cream!

Airing out...some scattered thoughts

It's strange how we get our ideas of what is right, beautiful, what is successful, what is best, what our "shoulds" are, what is weird, and wrong and not ok. I think our mind gathers all this information over time from all of our experiences and what we see in our environments, how we are treated...our minds wrap all this up in little packages and we go about our lives with these ideas, these parameters for life.

I envision that the ultimate state of mind is one where my thoughts and actions are based on my own truths and my connection to spirit rather than merely a culmination of my past. And I hope that I have the grace to constantly let go.

This seems like the most simple way to live and yet such a momentous process of stripping away all the ideas that i have gathered over the years and really look at why i think the way i do. Its fascinating! In each moment i have thoughts running through my head that i have come to recognize as mostly useless and many even harmful. And in each moment i have a choice....

These thoughts can be critical, nasty, judgy, preachy, insensitive and down right cruel! what is the point? where do they come from if I am not selecting them? why do i let my mind go on and on about things that are not unworthy of my attention? Who's running this ship, anyway?

I truly believe that we have an enormous amount of power and that left untrained, the mind runs like a wild caged animal and can make anyone experience moments of insanity.

I am in the process of deliberately training my mind, I've worked on this before and I know it will take a lifetime of constant reminders but I hope as time goes on I can choose to make this path more and more visible so that it is easier to find my way when I get lost. Which will most likely happen again and again.

Lately, I have allowed my thoughts free range and for many reasons known and mysterious, they are not often kind. I sabotage my beauty in fear of that sweet power we all possess. I am afraid to be seen, to shine. I am afraid to offend anyone...really I am afraid to create any sort of wave. And yet my biggest fear is to lie on my deathbed, so free from all this confusion and wish that I had left all these fears in their wake and just made a wave..........my own gorgeous wave.

Instead of allowing whatever thoughts come in to plant their little seeds and fester for however long...I can, with much effort, plant my own intentional seeds and create an entirely different landscape than the one that often creeps in; one where i actually am a friend to myself. Someone who is kind, encouraging, loving and who I enjoy hanging out with. A friend who does not make snide remarks about my grays and stares at my cellulite; one who does not roll her eyes at my shortcomings nor reminds me of my unworthiness. Who would hang around such a person?! I don't think I will be calling her again or inviting her in!

Ah, it takes such effort but I cannot see another way.

at the zoo with Jesus...or Gee

Our little friend, Grant Diego, had a birthday outing at the zoo several months back. I had forgotten about these cute pictures until the other day when Aiyana mistook baby Gee for the more well-known "baby Jesus".

Recently, Aiyana found a little picture of baby Jesus, whom she used to call "baby jeebs or jeez" and whom we've been talking about around the Christmas holidays. Well, Grant Diego is known to many and referred to by his own mother as Gee. So, therein lies the confusion.

Aiyana asked with the little picture of the cherub child in her hands "is this baby Gee? Why do I have a picture of baby Gee and he's like an angel?"

she pauses and looks at me with furrowed brow wondering what secret I have been hiding.

"Why does baby Gee live in Panama and have another mama?"

Well, the thought crossed my mind to play on the idea that we have the little Jesus so close and maybe I could use that to my advantage somehow but I quickly realized that the truth is almost always best and I explained the whole mixup.

But, before I spoke I did stare at that sweet innocence for a moment longer knowing how tender and beautiful this time is and I drank it in.

Here are a few shots from our day at the zoo with our baby Gee (but, of course the pics are mostly of my own kids):

Tulum Part 3: photo log: mesmerizing beachside bonfire

tidbits

one

I have watched Pride and Prejudice many times and in watching it i am left only with wanting more. I'm not even sure what it is that draws me in so deeply. There is a simplicity to life of that time. A space that allows life to slow down, afternoons to read books, rolling hills to amble, tea to be sipped and herbs to be picked. Where is that space now?
In her time there is space to learn music, drawing, painting, dancing...all of which is deemed a prerequisite for any young lad or lady to enter into society. How civilized!
Of course, I know there is crazy sex and class discrimination but i don't like to worry about that so much.
i just want to steep in the beauty that Jane paints for me.........

two

Aiyana has informed me that trolls may be nice but there are none living in Panama

three

Satya has gone "peepee poddy" a few times over the last several days! it helps to live in a tropical climate and be naked all the time! the perks of life in Panama!

four

i love my toddy coffee. it leaves a smirk on my face as i fall asleep...just in the knowing that it is there for me in the morning...i know that coffee is not good for me but i am consciously allowing myself to indulge for now. And it is soooo good! i now get all the hype about coffee that is all over the world! How is it that EVERYONE in EVERY country figured this out? I think that coffee was the reason for the industrial revolution. has anyone ever looked into when people started drinking crazy amounts of coffee? it puts a smile on your face and makes ya wanna get stuff done!

five

Ahh, sisterly love...imitation is the best form of flattery, is it not? Aiyana watch this.....

Family Holiday (Part 2)

I'm having one of those days where i feel like i want to curl up, cry a lot sleep, get spoon-fed, fall back to sleep, cry some more...not sure what happened but woke up in a super funk and cannot shake it. If i had a "real" job i would most definitley call in sick and lounge around all day in my underwear eating ice cream. But, since I have two littles who do not allow me any time off i have tried to do the above with almost no luck.

Cuz, when mama is cranky, the babes are a mess! And i don't have what it takes to shift their drama. Heck, i can't even pull myself together! What's a mama to do?

I felt similar a couple of weeks back when we came back from our precious holiday. Two weeks surrounded by special peeps, my peeps where i felt seen, loved and was hugged multiple times a day to coming back to no family, almost no community and boxes in a garage...it was a bit depressing to say the least.

Those weeks with my fam gave me a dose of that feeling of tribe, of community that i long for so ardently.

I know in my depth that it is possible to live in an environment that is quite unlike the structures that have been patch-worked together but that is something much more soul- satisfying. Maybe you already have a closely knit community of family and friends who nurture you, help you raise your children, whom you cook with and garden with. I feel like i am far away from anything that resembles that and i have such a desire to create it for my family.

If only i could get some of these folks living in one town, I'd be off to a great start!



Until we get our butts back to Boulder to be with what feels most like home, I have my sweet mini tribe and a few special peeps who keep me going



Here's where much of the action happened...the eating, the chopping, the washing, the snacking, the nibbling. There was so much eating going on almost nonstop and i did my fair share and subsequently smuggled 4 pounds of myself back to Panama!



We ventured out of our perfect compound and away from the beach a total of 3 times of the two week stay. Here we took the girls out on the town. This shop owner said in english with his great mexican accent "this is your day. come into my shop. today everything is almost free for you"



We found a sweet shop with a courtyard in the back with books, yummy smoothies and amazing home-ade popsicles!









In coming back to the house we wondered if it was necessary to leave again....ever!



I loved watching my babes play half naked with their strollers, their own babies and their innocence. Ahhh childhood.

(stay tuned for part 3)