Monday, February 21, 2011

Airing out...some scattered thoughts


It's strange how we get our ideas of what is right, beautiful, what is successful, what is best, what our "shoulds" are, what is weird, and wrong and not ok. I think our mind gathers all this information over time from all of our experiences and what we see in our environments, how we are treated...our minds wrap all this up in little packages and we go about our lives with these ideas, these parameters for life.

I envision that the ultimate state of mind is one where my thoughts and actions are based on my own truths and my connection to spirit rather than merely a culmination of my past. And I hope that I have the grace to constantly let go.

This seems like the most simple way to live and yet such a momentous process of stripping away all the ideas that i have gathered over the years and really look at why i think the way i do. Its fascinating! In each moment i have thoughts running through my head that i have come to recognize as mostly useless and many even harmful. And in each moment i have a choice....

These thoughts can be critical, nasty, judgy, preachy, insensitive and down right cruel! what is the point? where do they come from if I am not selecting them? why do i let my mind go on and on about things that are not unworthy of my attention? Who's running this ship, anyway?

I truly believe that we have an enormous amount of power and that left untrained, the mind runs like a wild caged animal and can make anyone experience moments of insanity.

I am in the process of deliberately training my mind, I've worked on this before and I know it will take a lifetime of constant reminders but I hope as time goes on I can choose to make this path more and more visible so that it is easier to find my way when I get lost. Which will most likely happen again and again.

Lately, I have allowed my thoughts free range and for many reasons known and mysterious, they are not often kind. I sabotage my beauty in fear of that sweet power we all possess. I am afraid to be seen, to shine. I am afraid to offend anyone...really I am afraid to create any sort of wave. And yet my biggest fear is to lie on my deathbed, so free from all this confusion and wish that I had left all these fears in their wake and just made a wave..........my own gorgeous wave.

Instead of allowing whatever thoughts come in to plant their little seeds and fester for however long...I can, with much effort, plant my own intentional seeds and create an entirely different landscape than the one that often creeps in; one where i actually am a friend to myself. Someone who is kind, encouraging, loving and who I enjoy hanging out with. A friend who does not make snide remarks about my grays and stares at my cellulite; one who does not roll her eyes at my shortcomings nor reminds me of my unworthiness. Who would hang around such a person?! I don't think I will be calling her again or inviting her in!

Ah, it takes such effort but I cannot see another way.

2 comments:

Anonymous said...

I hate that bitch too. Don't call her back.

Anonymous said...

Deep thoughtful post! Thanks for sharing your process with honesty and vulnerability. I'm touched by your willingness to share and the courage you exhibit by asking such good questions!

Keep it coming!