"does that tree feel fall too mama?"

Sitting here with the smell of squash, sage and onions roasting in the oven. mmmmmmmmm fall. I haven't experienced fall for 3 years! the changing of the leaves from green to yellow, red, orange, the soft light in the afternoon, the crisp air in the morning and night (well, actually the freezing air!) I love it all. my body is soaking this up and melting into this change. We are all "feeling fall" and starting to show our softer colors, our deepest hues.

yay, hibernation is right around the corner and oh do i need this. I'm not fooling myself....i know there is not going to be much down time with two littles in the house but the energy is different in the winter; its slower, quieter, less is expected, less goes on. this time brings about the desire to bake, drink tea, stare off into the trees, draw, tell longer stories, snuggle more, love longer.

i feel full of joy for this experience, this time, this place, my family, the love, the mess, the joy.

going numb

My tendency is to go numb whenever there is alot going on emotionally for me. I go on auto pilot taking care of all my family duties blindly but my essence is stuck somewhere hovering inches above my body and i just do what i have to to get by day to day.

I do all that i can to keep myself from entering this hole of unknown gunk...the emotional laundry that has been piling up for weeks now...months probably. In my moments alone I eat, i clean, i watch movies, browse the internet, drown myself in worry and guilt for all the things i do wrong as a mother....really i stuff my head, my heart, my face with anything that can take away the blinding fact that there are tender spots inside me that need tending to.

Why am i so resistant to taking care of myself? yes, i give non-stop all day long to my children so the moment i leave their room at night i crave a quick fix, something that will momentarily quench the thirst for true connection; chocolate, wine, pastries, stupid tv shows, internet shopping.....My energy is spent, my reserves are empty. But is that excuse enough? I want to be a mother more than anything else in this life but i also want to find that sweet balance where i have space to shine no matter what is going on within my household.

I know what i need. i need hot baths, facials, quiet reading time, meditation, yoga, walks, sleep. Any one of these on a daily basis would slowly start to take the tip off the mountain of self-neglect. But even though i "know" what i need i usually choose the quick fix. what's wrong with me? how do i get ahead just enough so i have the energy to give back to myself?

well, even as i write this i feel my breath deepen and a familiar part of me awaken. it has been too long....this time away. how can i as a mother not disappear as a woman? and maybe even blossom and thrive? is it possible to be the kind of mother i am and want to be and be fully myself? hmmmm.

landing

We arrived here in Boulder 4 weeks ago already. I am so in love with the smells, the feel here. i feel comfortable... at peace and so grateful that this place is my home. what a life i have!

the food at the stores, the organics, the baked goods, the take out places...oh my! I love that i can get to the store in 2 minutes and get all the things i have been dreaming about for 2 years! the body care, the supplements, the coconut ice creams! i really have to limit my trips out because i just want everything!

It's a bit overwhelming at the same time. i feel like a kid in a candy store who is getting all she wants and is about to freak out in tantrum. I havent had the space to process any of this. the move. the newness. the familiar. our old house. old friends. with 2 kids i focus solely on getting us all clothed, fed, hugged, walked, rested. i dont know how to take moments to let this all soak in. or maybe i do but for some reason i am wearing water repellent gear and none of it is getting in.

I want to lie down in this place and wrap the streets, the trees, the people, the food, the air, the rain all around my body so tightly until i feel satiated. I want to land in this place and i dont know how to make that happen. I feel spacey and scattered. and maybe that's ok for now. maybe that's just what is and the rest will come.

the settling

We arrived in Boulder one month ago already. the time has flown and yet my panama existence seems far far away. I close my eyes and try to put myself back there with all the smells, sights and feelings of that time but the picture is getting less and less clear. It feels so much like home here i just want to lie down and wrap myself up in this place. I feel so at peace and so grateful for being here now.

I love everything here. i know this fresh look may fade but for now i am like a kid in a candy store. I walk around town with eyes wide open amazed at the simplicity and ease that this city holds.

Panama Tour: Isla Contadora

Our Papa-day/Abel bday weekend getaway to Isla Contadora, one of the 100 Pearl Islands off Panama's pacific coast...50 miles from the city

we took the ferry at 8 am...a bit early for us but we made it!

it was a totally smooth ride on a new, clean catamaran

$78 roundtrip p/person

one and a half hour ride

(and yes, aiyana is wearing long sleeves and layers in this heat....it's what she does and i choose my battles)

my little cutie sportin her pink panama hat

once we got the island we had to take a little boat to the sand...no piers...and the water?...well....ya

we stayed at Villa Romantica which has one of the best locations on the island but desperately needs a little remodeling help

and the perfect view from our window...we napped with the doors wide open listening to nothing but the lapping of the waves...and i fell asleep wondering if i might just turn into an island gypsy

and to keep the littles occupied they had a huge chess set

we left our perfect little beach and decided to walk around and find another through the thick rain forest

and down a little road until....

we found another little piece of paradise

and played in the tiny little waves and soaked up the ocean air and a bit too much sun

there was a little river that ran to the sea where satya compiled her treasures

and aiyana basked in her perfect "papa-day" (as she calls the weekends)

and i fully inhaled the serenity of escaping from the city to a most magical place even if just for a night

and i soaked in those sweet moments when life feels complete and sweet and where i have to stop myself from gobling up these delicious babes

and then we walked back

and ate and breathed in our last moments of our little isla getaway

the agony of thought

I have stood in the open door of the fridge so many times in the last few days munching on a chunk of hazelnut chocolate, then a chunk of cheese, then a pickle, then a chunk of bread, some carrots, a tomato..maybe more chocolate and then a few spoonfulls of strawberry ice cream (haagan dazs of course). I stuff my face for a few minutes then walk away as if that's gonna solve things....as if all those yummies will stuff me enough to quiet my mind just for a few minutes.

Every time i go to the chinese doc here the receptionist translates his mandarin to her spanese telling me not to think so much. I knowingly nod because its so true....my mind doesnt stop! i think about everything and then i think about how much i'm thinking. Several times a day i have to intentionally close my eyes, breath deeply and visualize my thoughts streaming out of my ears just to create some space.

Its no wonder that all that is going on right now has spun me into a whirlwind of "what-ifs" and fantasies about so many different ways my life could go right now. You see, i have been begging the universe to let me go home since we moved here. I have been waiting for my life to pick back up where i left it 2 years ago. I gave birth to my sweet #2, packed our bags and left all behind that created my little nest. The postpartum hormones and the shock of facing life in a foreign country has never really worn off. And I just purchased one way tickets back home but the days prior i was a wreck and still am.

I have lived and lost myself in the day to day of raising two spirited little ones and i have loved my moments with them but i have always wished that i was home. I have kept buried in my heart this yearning on an almost daily basis. And yet these past few days i have considered prolonging this adventure for practical reasons or maybe just for some sort of masochistic high.

there are moments here that are so magical and that match very near to what i thought my paradise was that i find myself adrift quite a different fantasy. one where i find my peace right here in the rain forest eating mangoes and building fairy houses out of sea shells with my girls. I find these moments invigorating and very confusing as if hating every minute would be easier....more in line with my plan to go home.

honestly, i don't like the daily grind here. i dont think that i have kept that a mystery. As i'm sure i have mentioned before, it is so damn hot that all my inspiration and drive melts off my body 5 minutes after i wake up. I swear this is probably the biggest problem.

Ya, there's that plus 80-90% humidity non stop!

And then there's the whole latin-ness of this city. the sheer overwhelm that is the streets. It's the noise, the exhaust.....


the poverty, the wealth and the crazy gap between that is too disturbing to my hippie self who wants justice for all.





What's strange to me is that it's hard to leave. It's so many things. it's the simple fact that moving a family is a big deal but i can feel much more complex stirrings going on inside of me. the "hardships" of this place has been such good fodder for my complaints and my stuckedness. And now, with "paradise" at my fingertips i will have to be responsible for my happiness and what if it doesnt just come when i step off the plane like those little purple pills? And what am i giving up by not forging on here? How will i survive in the desert, in the snow? What will i do without the ocean and the sand and the tropical fruits? How will i build what i think i want? what if this idea i have of home is just in my mind?

....oh there is so much more but i just got tired and brain is shutting down.....for now.

tidbits

one
I have had too many things renting space in my head and i have gone so far away from writing that i forget what peace it brings me to throw my thoughts out into space and watch them fly away. The less i do it the less familiar it is and the harder it is to sit here and share.

two
with the whole world at our fingertips how do we choose our home? I dont really have a home but i have been chasing the desire to go back to boulder ever since i left 2 years ago. I get scared that i've dressed it up too much in my head. What if its not what i really want?

three
We are going back to colorado in one month!!!!!!!and i have so many mixed feelings about it all. Mostly i am so excited that tears flow each and every time i think of it. but it means so much change and there is a part of me that likes to stay put even if it stinks. it's so weird.

tit for tat

I have been noticing lately that i am starting to threaten or bribe a lot of the time and i don't like it. It feels odd to me and unnatural. I feel like i am creating a process that i don't agree with. A kind of thinking for my littles that makes them only want to do something right for a certain reason...so as not to "get in trouble". So this means that if no one is watching and they can get away with it then maybe it's ok or at least it doesn't really matter.

Natural consequences are one thing. I like them. I like the world taking over my parental duties and teaching my children how things are done. Like if you throw your food on the ground then you will eat dirty food or go hungry. It's so simple and i can take myself out of the equation. But i find other areas so tricky.

I find myself saying, "if you make that loud noise in front of your sister's room while she is sleeping i am going to take all those toys away"
and she'll say "where will you put them?"
and we both look at each other like "what?"
and then i say, "just please try to play quietly while your sister is asleep"
and she responds, "i need to make alot of noise"



and i say "then you may go outside"
"the birds don't like to hear me, it's too loud for them"
"well, it's too loud for me and satya"
"well, i need to"
"ok, then they will be taken away"
so she makes the loud noise while staring at me in the face
yes, this is my fiery first born
and so i take the things away and she screams and screams and guess what? she wakes up the baby.

So now that i write all that it doesn't seem like that big of a deal, but you know how those moments grow into double headed monsters, right?)
oh yes, i have tried things like distraction and a sweet "let's go outside together and bang on this drum" all sorts of things but its like she wants this intense conflict, she wants to test me. maybe to see what i will really do, maybe to see how fierce my lion roar really is....or maybe it has nothing to do with me and it is her own exploration of her power.

but whatever it is, it is a place of practice...it is a place where i have the opportunity to be someone i want to be. it is a place where i can practice seeing the moment 10 years from now and embodying what it is i wish i would have done. it is also a place where my rage can emerge i can be a not so perfect mama and yank or give her that lip curling threatening look and yell and then feel awful and guilty and childish.

Maybe they are too young but i have a feeling that i want something more out of my "teaching moments" as a parent. Yes, there are times when the crazy moments transform beautifully from intensity to explosion, to surrender and peace. But there are others that are sticky and that don't have a drop of wisdom or even translation. They are full of 4 year old banter and 33 year old tantrums.

I have the pressure and the desire to create empathy, morality, and respect. Respect cuz i'm the mama and i say so! Maybe these explosive moments when tantrums are on the horizon or maybe right on the fire are not meant to teach but rather to throw water on so the least amount of damage is done. And the teaching comes later when i can reflect while snuggling and give sweet pieces of wisdom.

And maybe its all of it at different times.
I think this is just a messy job and i use a lot of energy wishing it wasn't.

sweet ramblings of a 4 year old

mama: "come lie on my chest and let me hold you like when you were a tiny baby."

aiyana: "can i still fit?"

"yes, of course, look"

"but not when i'm bigger?"

"always, look how big my arms can get. i can hold you forever. you will be my baby for your whole life and always."

"even when i get old and then when i'm a flower?"

"yes, even when you are old and then a flower"

"even when i am a plant?"

"yes, even when you are a plant"

"and then even when i am a fairy with wings and a bright pink dress?"

"yes, even when you are a fairy"

"when i'm a fairy am i born from someone?"

"hmmm, fairies aren't born from mama fairies, they are born from flowers or seeds, or the wind"

"when i'm a fairy can i have bright pink wings and green hair...or maybe i want red hair"

"yes, you may"

"oh, i'm so excited to be a fairy............but no to be old"

a mini rant about the panamanian worker

I'm sitting here in my kitchen while a technician is working on my dishwasher. He asked to if we had a manual for it...is that a bad thing? He sat down at the table with me and spent a good while reading the thing. hmmmm. Well, at least he's trying to get it right.

I tell ya, most Panamanians (my own experience, of course) are THE WORST at following thru, actually fixing things and providing any kind of customer service in the process. This same guy who is now texting on his phone under my dishwasher....he came a week ago, took a part and said he would be back in 2 days with the new one. Well, later that day my kitchen flooded because i turned on the water in the sink. He didnt think it necessary to tell me that the sink could not be used until he returned with said part. Ya, and then on the third day when he failed to return, we called him and he was out of town for the easter holiday. He'd be back in 3 more days. Great. thanks for letting us know. He graciously told us we could use our laundry room sink in the meantime.

Funny enough...sort of....is that this is soooooo normal here. I have a dozen stories with the same punch line....workers here are LAME!

Oh how i miss those super expensive, insured, 4 hour window visits from professionals whose work is guaranteed.

I know, minimum wage here is $1.70 so what kind of expertise can i expect....but when it takes 4 months and several tries to fix a leak in the pool (by the way, its still not fixed)? maybe you are in the wrong profession. I won't even mention the "expert" tile guy and how an installed tile fell on my husband's head and sent him to the hospital for stitches, or the "professional" window washing service who show up with windex and a paper towels or the guy who repaired the cloth ceiling in our car with elmers glue that left yellow spots.....

The problem is that here anyone can do anything because there are no standards, no laws prohibiting otherwise... nothing to protect the customers. So, in reality it's not that everybody can do anything, it's that NOBODY is trained to do ANYTHING and they all proclaim to be experts cuz they all want to get paid! AND they'll charge as they please...a pretty penny with the right address. Oh, and if you don't speak much Spanish...the price just doubled cuz you cant argue your way out of it.

stuff is cooler than i thought

I have this crazy yearning to nest. It's so intense that i physically feel it gnawing in my gut. It's been lingering for awhile now. It feels like the kind they talk about that women experience before birth. I never did get the urge to organize and clean before either of my two littles arrived but i am sure making up for it now! My hormones are raging and screaming for me to carve a nook for my family and to stay put.

I day dream about creating cozy corners in MY home, painting MY walls, taking books off MY shelves to peruse on MY couch while staring out the window and admiring MY garden and MY curtains. In my head, i have decorated a gorgeous room for the girls...you should see it!

For the past 2 years and even longer, I have lived like each place is too temporary to settle into to. I cant hang things up or buy cute bedspreads knowing that i am not going to be here for very long. I just can't do it. It doesnt feel right. And yet i feel so lost in a way.

My husband always says that we should live like this is it in every moment and not wait for anything else to come.....he wants us to carve out a home in every house that we live in and i just havent been able to do it. If i know that i will leave in a certain amount of time than why empty out that box, why put up shelves and why buy towels of the perfect color? To me, there is no point.

We are currently living in this awesome house, fully furnished complete with silverware and hand towels. It's my mama's house and they are in the process of selling it....they moved away and gave us the opportunity to live in a totally secure neighborhood and have a huge house with a pool, a yard and hoses that occupy my babes for hours....an awesome change from apartment living!

But, not much in this house belongs to me and although i dont get too attached to things and joyfully sold and gave away our entire house before moving here....i want more than anything to have stuff again! I know, there is nothing zen about the whole thing and i question what it is i really need and why should things make me happy. after all, i really thought i was a gypsy at heart and that the whole world was my home. And maybe that is partly true but what i need right now for my own sense of security and nourishment for my soul is a home full of MY things placed in corners specifically with my intention and photos hung on walls because i chose it.

I feel far away from the days where i rejoiced in having nothing more than a trunk full of stuff. I could go anywhere in a blink. I still romanticize that notion and that freedom but with little ones i want nothing more than one single place to call home.

And thank the gods and goddesses that my time is just around the corner....3 months to go and we will be back in Boulder, Colorado where my heart says is home at least for now. We will leave this 3,500 sq foot house for a 1000 sq ft home...but, since we have to leave the maid behind our tiny house might be just right! WOOHOO!!!!

my littlest little turns 2!

I am all choked up over here with satya turning 2! I looked thru my birth pictures and allowed all the feelings and sensations of that day to wash over me. I felt like i was in a haze today with all the memories of her birth. There are so many things i need to process about that time (but that's for another post).

Two years ago i became a mother of two. What a transition! I love having my two little girls. they are magical. life just keeps going and i want more time to simmer in these memories; in these days of chubby fingers and baby voices. I can't stand the idea that my girls won't always be little. So much of me wants to keep them mine and not have them grow up and into themselves.

Mothering is such a bittersweet process. It's hard to let go of the beautiful past and not wish with all my soul that i could touch that newborn face and smell that newborn body and listen to those little coos. I want more than the memories.



Well, at least she is just 2! Imagine my tears when they turn 16, 20, 30! I think i may have to have another just to prolong this whole growing up thing.


Well, here's to my strong birth, my first 2 years as a mother of 2 and to my beautiful, powerful, fiery, sweet satya amina! Happy birthday littlest!

grumpy tuesday

I have a million thoughts running in and out of my mind...mostly too fast to catch but i have an overall feeling of unrest. I can hardly put my finger on it but i do feel like ranting a bit. I need to release and bitch about things; you know, the small things that make me feel ashamed, self-centered and unworthy of all the graces i am given.

But, nonetheless, I am cranky and i am aware that thousands of people have recently and currently undergone major catastrophe....i really need a selfish little outlet. and only then can i be a better person.

I am so damn hot. Unless i am in an air conditioned car or room, i feel like i am running a fever. all the time. i have a constant rim of sweat above my lip, forehead and neck. my palms are hot to the touch. it's uncomfortable and it makes me really cranky. i can't handle anything because i am so hot. but, i have an energized four year old and an almost two year old who just realized that her best form of communication is the attention-getting scream....at the top of her lungs....which all makes me hotter and crankier.

I found a diseased and dying baby possum in our yard today. it was sad and gross. there were flies on his back and his tongue was dragging on the floor. anyway, i couldn't eat lunch without the sight of him flashing in my mind and gagging just a little. nice.

That poor little guy made me think about how toxic everything feels here. there are pesticides and herbicides allowed here that were banned in the good ole United States of America decades ago. This residential area sprays for mosquitoes several times a week so that we have a constant handful of bites on us rather than hundreds. Not to mention the diesel fumes from all the buses (a little salute going out to the folks who invented the recycled air button for cars, and the mechanics behind it).

i don't like buying fish even though we live on the ocean because the sewer from the city goes into the waters. When we lived on the water i used to watch the fisherman from our window and wonder how far with their little speed boats did they go to catch those fish and who are they selling them too? Needless to say, i don't eat much fish.

Ahh, starting to feel a bit of the release.

Bottled water, bread, crackers, produce, cheese....they all have a slight fragrance of laundry soap. Absolutely everything bought at the supermarkets here tastes or at the very least smells like cheap soap. I don't know why. Maybe because most things are almost expired because they come from so far away and sit in shipping containers with all those boxes and bottles and mothballs that fill that long aisle in the store of cleaning products and they have months to soak in the fragrance. It's nasty. And it makes me mad.

Ok, i think am done for now. oh, wait there's more coming. but i think i'll bitch to myself in the shower. my scalp is sweaty.

happy tuesday!

sharing the art of self-love

Aiyana is lying on the floor next to me on a yoga mat, her skin glistening with cocoa butter and lavender oil, fast asleep. What a delicious baby growing into a magical girl.

Today after putting little Satya down for her nap. Aiyana amd I pulled out the mats, the oils, put on some relaxing music and rubbed each other. She is quite the masseuse! I adore her touch and she loves to give it. I rubbed her sweet little body, her growing feet, her perfect skin and after about 20 minutes she fell deeply asleep. Ahh, bliss!

I adore these moments together where we are loving ourselves and quieting the world; where i am remembering and she is learning to slow down and practice the art of caring for our bodies and spirits in a way that seems to have gone almost extinct in this world.

I began my cycle today, my period, my "bleed" (as Aiyana calls it). And perhaps it is an occurrence that is mostly hushed in our society, a word/an experience that is so private that is has become awkward to mention but i don't abide by those unspoken rules. In my world this time is honored and the change in my household is marked by a day or two of rest, picnics on the floor, long showers, body rubs, soulful music, books, snuggles, daydreaming, sunbathing, tea....all that is nourishing to the senses and soul.

In these first days i feel so grounded, so at peace, so strong in my knowing of what is needed and i feel breath in every moment....and space, enough space to encounter each interaction with grace. Time slows down and everything is calm. I feel connected to a deep part of my being that is so ancient and mysterious that i hardly care to speak. I feel full. I am in complete stillness with all things inside and out. It's an incredible time and one that i no longer try to resist.

This day, each month, i let all things go and in that settling i find my greatest joy and all the stress and confusion and guilt that is part of motherhood has no place...and from here i can share with aiyana the luscious connection that must be had between women. That beautiful space that we can hold for each other that allows our masks to fall away and our souls to feast.

It truly is a heaven of our own making!

our february/march days

Well, almost 2 years since we moved to this crazy city and i am finally learning to appreciate a few aspects of living in the tropics.....especially in february and march when much of the US and Canada is freezing their buns off!





The girls are so into their little kitchen. While i cook in the evenings they get busy too. I give them all sorts of old spices, beans, cheap flours...and they create amazing soups! True chefs in the making!







And a sweet little just-turned-4 year old on a special date with mama at a coffee shop eating whip cream!

Airing out...some scattered thoughts

It's strange how we get our ideas of what is right, beautiful, what is successful, what is best, what our "shoulds" are, what is weird, and wrong and not ok. I think our mind gathers all this information over time from all of our experiences and what we see in our environments, how we are treated...our minds wrap all this up in little packages and we go about our lives with these ideas, these parameters for life.

I envision that the ultimate state of mind is one where my thoughts and actions are based on my own truths and my connection to spirit rather than merely a culmination of my past. And I hope that I have the grace to constantly let go.

This seems like the most simple way to live and yet such a momentous process of stripping away all the ideas that i have gathered over the years and really look at why i think the way i do. Its fascinating! In each moment i have thoughts running through my head that i have come to recognize as mostly useless and many even harmful. And in each moment i have a choice....

These thoughts can be critical, nasty, judgy, preachy, insensitive and down right cruel! what is the point? where do they come from if I am not selecting them? why do i let my mind go on and on about things that are not unworthy of my attention? Who's running this ship, anyway?

I truly believe that we have an enormous amount of power and that left untrained, the mind runs like a wild caged animal and can make anyone experience moments of insanity.

I am in the process of deliberately training my mind, I've worked on this before and I know it will take a lifetime of constant reminders but I hope as time goes on I can choose to make this path more and more visible so that it is easier to find my way when I get lost. Which will most likely happen again and again.

Lately, I have allowed my thoughts free range and for many reasons known and mysterious, they are not often kind. I sabotage my beauty in fear of that sweet power we all possess. I am afraid to be seen, to shine. I am afraid to offend anyone...really I am afraid to create any sort of wave. And yet my biggest fear is to lie on my deathbed, so free from all this confusion and wish that I had left all these fears in their wake and just made a wave..........my own gorgeous wave.

Instead of allowing whatever thoughts come in to plant their little seeds and fester for however long...I can, with much effort, plant my own intentional seeds and create an entirely different landscape than the one that often creeps in; one where i actually am a friend to myself. Someone who is kind, encouraging, loving and who I enjoy hanging out with. A friend who does not make snide remarks about my grays and stares at my cellulite; one who does not roll her eyes at my shortcomings nor reminds me of my unworthiness. Who would hang around such a person?! I don't think I will be calling her again or inviting her in!

Ah, it takes such effort but I cannot see another way.

at the zoo with Jesus...or Gee

Our little friend, Grant Diego, had a birthday outing at the zoo several months back. I had forgotten about these cute pictures until the other day when Aiyana mistook baby Gee for the more well-known "baby Jesus".

Recently, Aiyana found a little picture of baby Jesus, whom she used to call "baby jeebs or jeez" and whom we've been talking about around the Christmas holidays. Well, Grant Diego is known to many and referred to by his own mother as Gee. So, therein lies the confusion.

Aiyana asked with the little picture of the cherub child in her hands "is this baby Gee? Why do I have a picture of baby Gee and he's like an angel?"

she pauses and looks at me with furrowed brow wondering what secret I have been hiding.

"Why does baby Gee live in Panama and have another mama?"

Well, the thought crossed my mind to play on the idea that we have the little Jesus so close and maybe I could use that to my advantage somehow but I quickly realized that the truth is almost always best and I explained the whole mixup.

But, before I spoke I did stare at that sweet innocence for a moment longer knowing how tender and beautiful this time is and I drank it in.

Here are a few shots from our day at the zoo with our baby Gee (but, of course the pics are mostly of my own kids):