the agony of thought

I have stood in the open door of the fridge so many times in the last few days munching on a chunk of hazelnut chocolate, then a chunk of cheese, then a pickle, then a chunk of bread, some carrots, a tomato..maybe more chocolate and then a few spoonfulls of strawberry ice cream (haagan dazs of course). I stuff my face for a few minutes then walk away as if that's gonna solve things....as if all those yummies will stuff me enough to quiet my mind just for a few minutes.

Every time i go to the chinese doc here the receptionist translates his mandarin to her spanese telling me not to think so much. I knowingly nod because its so true....my mind doesnt stop! i think about everything and then i think about how much i'm thinking. Several times a day i have to intentionally close my eyes, breath deeply and visualize my thoughts streaming out of my ears just to create some space.

Its no wonder that all that is going on right now has spun me into a whirlwind of "what-ifs" and fantasies about so many different ways my life could go right now. You see, i have been begging the universe to let me go home since we moved here. I have been waiting for my life to pick back up where i left it 2 years ago. I gave birth to my sweet #2, packed our bags and left all behind that created my little nest. The postpartum hormones and the shock of facing life in a foreign country has never really worn off. And I just purchased one way tickets back home but the days prior i was a wreck and still am.

I have lived and lost myself in the day to day of raising two spirited little ones and i have loved my moments with them but i have always wished that i was home. I have kept buried in my heart this yearning on an almost daily basis. And yet these past few days i have considered prolonging this adventure for practical reasons or maybe just for some sort of masochistic high.

there are moments here that are so magical and that match very near to what i thought my paradise was that i find myself adrift quite a different fantasy. one where i find my peace right here in the rain forest eating mangoes and building fairy houses out of sea shells with my girls. I find these moments invigorating and very confusing as if hating every minute would be easier....more in line with my plan to go home.

honestly, i don't like the daily grind here. i dont think that i have kept that a mystery. As i'm sure i have mentioned before, it is so damn hot that all my inspiration and drive melts off my body 5 minutes after i wake up. I swear this is probably the biggest problem.

Ya, there's that plus 80-90% humidity non stop!

And then there's the whole latin-ness of this city. the sheer overwhelm that is the streets. It's the noise, the exhaust.....


the poverty, the wealth and the crazy gap between that is too disturbing to my hippie self who wants justice for all.





What's strange to me is that it's hard to leave. It's so many things. it's the simple fact that moving a family is a big deal but i can feel much more complex stirrings going on inside of me. the "hardships" of this place has been such good fodder for my complaints and my stuckedness. And now, with "paradise" at my fingertips i will have to be responsible for my happiness and what if it doesnt just come when i step off the plane like those little purple pills? And what am i giving up by not forging on here? How will i survive in the desert, in the snow? What will i do without the ocean and the sand and the tropical fruits? How will i build what i think i want? what if this idea i have of home is just in my mind?

....oh there is so much more but i just got tired and brain is shutting down.....for now.

tidbits

one
I have had too many things renting space in my head and i have gone so far away from writing that i forget what peace it brings me to throw my thoughts out into space and watch them fly away. The less i do it the less familiar it is and the harder it is to sit here and share.

two
with the whole world at our fingertips how do we choose our home? I dont really have a home but i have been chasing the desire to go back to boulder ever since i left 2 years ago. I get scared that i've dressed it up too much in my head. What if its not what i really want?

three
We are going back to colorado in one month!!!!!!!and i have so many mixed feelings about it all. Mostly i am so excited that tears flow each and every time i think of it. but it means so much change and there is a part of me that likes to stay put even if it stinks. it's so weird.