"does that tree feel fall too mama?"

Sitting here with the smell of squash, sage and onions roasting in the oven. mmmmmmmmm fall. I haven't experienced fall for 3 years! the changing of the leaves from green to yellow, red, orange, the soft light in the afternoon, the crisp air in the morning and night (well, actually the freezing air!) I love it all. my body is soaking this up and melting into this change. We are all "feeling fall" and starting to show our softer colors, our deepest hues.

yay, hibernation is right around the corner and oh do i need this. I'm not fooling myself....i know there is not going to be much down time with two littles in the house but the energy is different in the winter; its slower, quieter, less is expected, less goes on. this time brings about the desire to bake, drink tea, stare off into the trees, draw, tell longer stories, snuggle more, love longer.

i feel full of joy for this experience, this time, this place, my family, the love, the mess, the joy.

going numb

My tendency is to go numb whenever there is alot going on emotionally for me. I go on auto pilot taking care of all my family duties blindly but my essence is stuck somewhere hovering inches above my body and i just do what i have to to get by day to day.

I do all that i can to keep myself from entering this hole of unknown gunk...the emotional laundry that has been piling up for weeks now...months probably. In my moments alone I eat, i clean, i watch movies, browse the internet, drown myself in worry and guilt for all the things i do wrong as a mother....really i stuff my head, my heart, my face with anything that can take away the blinding fact that there are tender spots inside me that need tending to.

Why am i so resistant to taking care of myself? yes, i give non-stop all day long to my children so the moment i leave their room at night i crave a quick fix, something that will momentarily quench the thirst for true connection; chocolate, wine, pastries, stupid tv shows, internet shopping.....My energy is spent, my reserves are empty. But is that excuse enough? I want to be a mother more than anything else in this life but i also want to find that sweet balance where i have space to shine no matter what is going on within my household.

I know what i need. i need hot baths, facials, quiet reading time, meditation, yoga, walks, sleep. Any one of these on a daily basis would slowly start to take the tip off the mountain of self-neglect. But even though i "know" what i need i usually choose the quick fix. what's wrong with me? how do i get ahead just enough so i have the energy to give back to myself?

well, even as i write this i feel my breath deepen and a familiar part of me awaken. it has been too long....this time away. how can i as a mother not disappear as a woman? and maybe even blossom and thrive? is it possible to be the kind of mother i am and want to be and be fully myself? hmmmm.