Friday, February 19, 2010

Satya Amina, My Littlest Love

This angel that you see here moves my soul.
I look into her eyes and i fall so deeply that i can hardly get back up. She is so beyond her time that I am always shocked when i see her tiny, round bum in the mirror. My veins coarse in rhythm with hers.
Her skin, her lips, her breath, her coos are like liquid bliss.
I cannot get enough of her touch, her head against my chest.
Please god and goddess never let this end.
Imprint her baby self onto my body so that i may have her with me always.
Let her grow and be her larger-than-life self but keep her always near for i feel my heart breaking at the very thought of her distance.
The only thing that makes this love almost unbearable is the fact that she has a sister who melts my heart just as rapidly.

Tuesday, February 16, 2010


Well, I did not really fulfill all the things i set out to do. I’m not sure what my problem is. I did jumrope. I did not go to that class. And i have not found a tutor. I have emailed a bunch advertised and spoke with one lady whose schedule doesn’t work for me. So, I sort of did what I could but I wouldn’t say that I did my best.
I guess i have other things on my mind and Abel had a few days off for Carnival so I wasn’t thinking bout my stuff as much. I like to just hang out as a family when he’s around and so i don’t really accomplish much besides doing my daily chores as a mother and homemaker (which, is alot so I can’t say I’m too lazy).

I do stil feel inspired, just not rushed. It’s really hard for me to do anything on any type of timeline these days. With two small babes it just takes forever to get going and then something always comes up to slow me down, more. I have been taking the girls down to our pool several times a week now in the middle of the day so we can get our dose of vit D and i bring the jumprope so i can jump while Satya crawls around and Aiyana swims and then i can jump into the freezing water and cool off. It works out well but i have to stop now and again before i am out of breath to distract Satya from falling in the water or eating a chunk of dirt or dead bug.

So, i am really trying to rest in the fact that while my kids are little, not much is going to get done besides eating, sleeping, changing, bathing…..the basics. Because making sure we are all fed, washed and rested is enough to fill up a day with the occasional playdate, music class, grocery shop and of course daily play. I know some moms can do a bazillion things and work out, write books, blog, start a business and learn guitar but I am just not that kind of mom. I am too obsessed with every little detail that goes on in my home. I have realized that I am sort of a control freak about my children which is strange because i have never thought of myself as a control freak about anything.

I kind of wish that I was more of a freak about getting other things done but i am learning that I am simply not that person so it doesn’t really do much to wish away my life. I have to figure out what works for me and what the tricks are to keep me interested.
I’ve actually just lost interest in this post as am coming back to it after a few days…..isn’t it annoying?

Saturday, February 6, 2010

Mama Needs a New Pair of Shoes y Mucho Mas

I have heard people say that people in Panama have so much heart and their sweetness and generosity is what really makes this country a magical place. Well, perhaps these comments were made about the folks living in the countryside or on the islands because I have found the people in the city to be so dry and unhelpful that it sends me into a silent fit every time i encounter one. Today i was shopping in the HUGE Albrook mall where it takes days to traverse the entire space. I was desperately searching for a bathing suit or at least some article of clothing that is new and has not been worn during pregnancy or directly after. My attire, as of the last 3 years has been horrible, to say the least. I have thrown on anything that does the job not caring about expressing my keen fashion sense I have been obsessed with my gorgeous girls from the moment of their birth and, need i mention, have forgotten entirely about myself and how i represent myself to the world. I have noticed, as of late, that I dress worse than the maids. The clothes that my maid brings to change into for cleaning are similar to my daily wear. It’s really quite embarrassing. I think that the folk that see me out of my house assume that I am not somebody’s help solely because of the color of my skin. If i had darker skin I would most definitely be presumed to be the nanny or the maid. I’m not worried about what others perceive my status to be, i am only bringing attention to the fact that it is due time that i dress in what suits me rather than whatever covers my body.

Anyway, the clerks at these stores are so unfriendly, i feel like smacking them. They won’t even make eye contact when you ask them something and will absolutely not go out of their way to help. I wanted to try on a shirt from one department along with some bathing suits from another area- same store, mind you. And the lady said i couldn’t bring the shirt into the dressing room. I had to try it on downstairs. I had no idea how to tell her in spanish that that was totally ridiculous and please don’t make me go into a different dressing room, because i won’t. So i said it in english just to see if my emotion would get across, if not my words. She looked around and then handed me the shirt without even looking at me as if she were really risking her life for my comforts. This is but one example of what happens EVERYWHERE i go. Maybe they are just sick of gringos in their country but i see them treat everyone like this. It really makes me appreciate the customer service training that so many American companies put their employees through. Nordstrom and Whole Foods seem like a slice of heaven compared to any store here in Panama. They smile and say hello. wow. i look forward to that again someday.

Well, no bathing suit for this mama but i did find a pair of shorts which is a dream cuz i NEVER wear shorts. Now my palette is wet for some more shopping!!!!

Thursday, February 4, 2010


I’m feeling totally inspired lately. I have a couple of ideas why this is happening. Why my general mood has jumped from a depressing 3 to an overall 8 in the past weeks. I can’t say for certain but it could be the new year, the feeling of 2010 is productive, swirling, courageous, anything goes….2009 was beautiful because i birthed my little buddha and witnessed my Aiyana grow into more magic but lots of hard work was done, too. So, it has a heavy feeling to it. I’m thrilled to be in a new year where my mind has been racing and my body is struggling to keep up.
I was looking for my jumprope just moments ago as I feel determined to get my ass moving a bit more but alas, nowhere to be found so here i am blogging away, something i have yearned to do for weeks but don’t have the space. Anyway, i may be feeling more glee also because i am now over 9 months postpardum and don’t they say 9 months in, 9 months out. I think there may have been a sort of shift in hormones or maybe it was just energetic. I feel a new wave of mamahood, it feels lighter and i can feel myself emerging from a long hibernation.
This post is going to be all over the place as my thoughts soar so hold on tight and bear with me……
I have also been here in Panama for 8 months, has it been? And i think things are becoming a little familiar now which feels totally liberating. I am not saying that i like it here nor do i want to stay for very long but i will say that I have enjoyed myself at times more than i have in my entire stay here thus far so that is HUGE. I feel like myself just a little bit more. As i learn about Steiner’s temperaments i see what and why i am who i am and i like how it makes me more ok with things that i wanted to change before. For instance, i am a phlegmatic and VERY slow to move and to adapt. AH HA, see? It’s normal that i have been so miserable! It’s who i am, it’s how i’m made. That’s just the way i am and you cannot FORCE me to be happy when my whole self is struggling to simply BE in this new place. So, it’s refreshing.
Yes, jumproping. It can be done in the living room directly in front of the air conditioner and it only has to be done for minutes at a time to get my blood really pumping. My idea is to do 2x per day and just build on the minutes. About 75 jumps straight is all i can do initially but just wait and see what i can do by the end of the week….if i can find that darn thing. What’s jumprope in spanish? maybe Maria stuck it somewhere.
So, jumproping and spanish. I have already met with one tutor but her prices jumped up once we met so i think i’ll look around. I am determined to learn this language as much as possible before i fly the coup! I definitely know more than when i arrived but i still struggle with some basic verbs. It feels fun to speak it and actually get my point across. i’m not nervous like i used to be although it’s more embarassing to speak around people i know. If i’m on my own i don’t really mind giving it a try and using the words i know. But, i feel much more self-conscious when i feel someone is watching me.
I realized that my sangunie side- another one of the temperaments- gets all excited and jazzed about all these new things but then my primary aspect comes into play and is slow to get things moving. OR i get things moving but don’t follow through for very long. In either case, things don’t get done, i don’t learn anything to speak of and i become disappointed in myself. So, it is my intention to smack one of these temperaments silly and push beyond my natural tendencies. Oh, yes, this has been said before. Resolutions have been set before and not followed through and although this tempts me to simply grow old, i will not.I will forever make set new goals and always intend to meet them.
Each week i will set goals. Little, achievable goals and build on the momentum.This week:
jumprope 2x per day for four days
attend the dance therapy class at akila this thursday or next tues depending on when i get someone to watch the babes
and secure a tutor to start this or next week
Seems doable. The list really could go on because when i am excited i think of a million things i want to do but i will stop there so that I can actually accomplish something. Believe me, with 2 little ones daily showers are hard to come by!
Ok, i’m going to post this now as it’s been sitting here in draft mode for days! I keep getting interrupted. Imagine that