Tuesday, December 23, 2014

my perfect holiday

Did you all know that you can have a most perfect holiday with your precious family without making Christmas cookies?

Well, I didn't know.

I thought we had to make cookies with Christmas tree, train and elf cookie cutters with Christmas music playing in the background and while wearing our cute baking aprons.

I thought this had to be done at least once during the holiday season in order for the holidays to feel special and complete.

It was only til a moment ago that I found out that I can still have the most amazing, nourishing and meaningful Christmas with my young children without ever touching a cookie cutter.

My mind is blown.

I found out from a little sweet voice in my being that assured me that I do not have to accomplish anything to have a joyous, memorable time. WOA!

I don't have to take my kids ice skating, i don't have to go to the nutcracker all dressed up and take pictures with the tall half wooden, half man nutcracker thing, I don't have to buy everybody their most desired item, I don't need to take staged photos to capture the en of this year or mail off the perfect photo card to everyone i know, I don't have to make envious meals and eat by candlelight laughing at old family tales, I don't have to have to have everything planned, i don't have to know anything,


Mind is blown,
breath deepens
and the TRUE joyous holiday ensues.

Thursday, April 24, 2014

To school or not to school, part 2

My heart is aching so. oh, i hurts. I feel like i am in it deep with these mama decisions lately. It feels like the weight of the world is on me. I try to minimize them saying that either path, whichever one i choose will be the right one. I try to tell myself that the path our family takes will unravel exactly who we are supposed to be and then i feel it surge. i feel this enormous lion's roar ...it's like the undeniable rumble that probably started all sorts of revolutions. Its the one in me that screams "NOOOOOOO!" when i consider dropping my girls into the system. Its the voice that rises up and demands change. Change that tequires a courage like none other; a courage that defies all but one inner voice as well the voice of our culture at large.

This small but clear voice is telling me not to take the road thoroughly paved. She's telling me not to send my kids to a mainstream school. She's telling me that there is another way, a better way. One that will allow them to perculate in their childhood longer than is allowed out there. one that will support them in finding their gifts in this life. She's reminding me of a way that feels distant but familiar somehow. This road was walked on before long ago when life was a bit slower, when there seemd to be time. Time to cultivate our gardens, our heats and our minds in a much deeper way than it is done now. She's telling me that we are living fully now and there is so much potential in staying the path less traveled.

Friday, March 21, 2014

Humanizing myself

This evening as the girls were starting dinner I picked up a book that was on the table and closed my eyes and asked to be taken to a page that was right for me in this moment. The book is "Heaven on Earth" by Sharifa Oppenheimer which i used a lot when my oldest was even younger but havent looked at in many years. It is a treasure and proved itself again this evening. I turned to a page on telling stories, not only the soul quenching fairy tales of old but stories about me and my early days. Sharifa mentions to tell stories in sensory detail; tell of the textures, the sounds, the smells, of days we remember of our youth. Tell our children about the little things that we liked and didn't like, give them tastes for what it was like to be us and small and how we navigated our worlds.

This reminds me now that Aiyana often ponders "i wonder what its like to be you, mama". So giving her these little stories of little mama megan is the tastiest little treat. I found that out tonight. I closed the book and started talking about "when i was little"......And the first thing that came to mind was what i got to eat when i visited my dad in Michigan in the summers. I told them that my mama and papa didn't live together and i got to fly from California to Michigan with my older sister and order anything I wanted on the plane and also at restaurants the entire summer with my dad. It felt sweet and tender to talk openly about my imperfect family situation. In that, it felt so perfect. No shame or wishing things were different even though i felt i had never been able to speak so openly about the dynamics growing up.

I went on about my dilemma at most meals of whether to have the grilled cheese or the cheeseburger with french fries and ketchup.  I reminded them that their Oma, at the time, was back in California and was a super healthy, wheat grass drinking vegetarian and I had an unrequited love for cheese. I told the girls that i drank a spicy pop called vernors almost everyday and many of these little things made my days special and easier to be away from my mom.

I told them how my dad's shirts were so perfectly pressed and tucked into his shorts and his top siders were scuff free. I remembered how he smelled of fresh soap and cologne and how he always had extra baseball caps in his sparkling clean convertible to keep our hair from getting all tangled in the wind. I told them through teary eyes how i loved seeing my dad and how i felt like the whole world stopped when i was with him.

When i put them to bed tonight they wanted more, especially my older one. "Tell me more about when you were little".  I found it so nourishing for all of us. It felt good to remember.

"The very best gift we can give our child is the gift of ourselves. One of the most satisfying ways we offer ourselves to our children is in telling them stories about ourselves......You can tell her silly little goofy things you like to do. It will make you that much more human." (page 137)

So often in parenting we take on the role of the teacher, the guide, the healer, the knower of all....and what i love about this sweet practice is that in telling our children about "when we were little" we are telling them that we are on this journey together and that is so fortifying for us all.

Thursday, March 20, 2014

To school or not to school

The big question....to put my kids in public school or keep homeschooling them supplemented with their nature and performance based programs.

I'm so confused. I have moments where I feel somewhat clear and then. I head straight back into the fog of uncertainty. My sweet precious girls are deep into their childhood and I mean deep. They are saturated with it....with all the great stuff that is old fashioned now.

They play all day everyday and don't tire of creating their imaginative worlds, they play cars on the rocks outside with gnomie (our gnome statue) there guarding them, they talk about how sneaky hob goblins are and about how the fire spirits quicken the seeds underground this time of year. They search for treasures and stomp in the mud, they make up their own songs and put on performances. Their love for Mother Earth and all her magic is palpable.

They have a beautiful innocence that I don't see as often as I'd like. They haven't experienced a lot of pressures, bullying, and overstimulation of ideas, noises and crowded classrooms. They are confident in their own circles and are surrounded by other kids and folks who also cherish the magic of a world unseen.

I can see that many children do very well in a public school environment but I see a system that is broken, overcrowded, pressured by financing, testing, wages....I see a place that lacks in educating the whole child; an institution that is so concerned with plowing through material that it overlooks the hands, the heart and the soul of an individual. I just feel that our children and even us are capable of amazing things and most importantly capable of a life brimming with deep satisfaction, introspection and expressed joy. Don't you? But I feel that our education systems do not set our lives on this path.

I have interacted with parents of public schooled kids and they are burnt out .....even the ones in first grade. They are thrilled for days off and holidays. My kids are super bummed spring break is coming and their programs will closed. Public schooled kids are often fried....overworked, and underplayed!

My mind goes around and around.....and there are even days where I lean towards putting them in school....stay tuned.