Tuesday, January 25, 2011



I have watched Pride and Prejudice many times and in watching it i am left only with wanting more. I'm not even sure what it is that draws me in so deeply. There is a simplicity to life of that time. A space that allows life to slow down, afternoons to read books, rolling hills to amble, tea to be sipped and herbs to be picked. Where is that space now?
In her time there is space to learn music, drawing, painting, dancing...all of which is deemed a prerequisite for any young lad or lady to enter into society. How civilized!
Of course, I know there is crazy sex and class discrimination but i don't like to worry about that so much.
i just want to steep in the beauty that Jane paints for me.........


Aiyana has informed me that trolls may be nice but there are none living in Panama


Satya has gone "peepee poddy" a few times over the last several days! it helps to live in a tropical climate and be naked all the time! the perks of life in Panama!


i love my toddy coffee. it leaves a smirk on my face as i fall asleep...just in the knowing that it is there for me in the morning...i know that coffee is not good for me but i am consciously allowing myself to indulge for now. And it is soooo good! i now get all the hype about coffee that is all over the world! How is it that EVERYONE in EVERY country figured this out? I think that coffee was the reason for the industrial revolution. has anyone ever looked into when people started drinking crazy amounts of coffee? it puts a smile on your face and makes ya wanna get stuff done!


Ahh, sisterly love...imitation is the best form of flattery, is it not? Aiyana watch this.....

Saturday, January 22, 2011

Family Holiday (Part 2)

I'm having one of those days where i feel like i want to curl up, cry a lot sleep, get spoon-fed, fall back to sleep, cry some more...not sure what happened but woke up in a super funk and cannot shake it. If i had a "real" job i would most definitley call in sick and lounge around all day in my underwear eating ice cream. But, since I have two littles who do not allow me any time off i have tried to do the above with almost no luck.

Cuz, when mama is cranky, the babes are a mess! And i don't have what it takes to shift their drama. Heck, i can't even pull myself together! What's a mama to do?

I felt similar a couple of weeks back when we came back from our precious holiday. Two weeks surrounded by special peeps, my peeps where i felt seen, loved and was hugged multiple times a day to coming back to no family, almost no community and boxes in a garage...it was a bit depressing to say the least.

Those weeks with my fam gave me a dose of that feeling of tribe, of community that i long for so ardently.

I know in my depth that it is possible to live in an environment that is quite unlike the structures that have been patch-worked together but that is something much more soul- satisfying. Maybe you already have a closely knit community of family and friends who nurture you, help you raise your children, whom you cook with and garden with. I feel like i am far away from anything that resembles that and i have such a desire to create it for my family.

If only i could get some of these folks living in one town, I'd be off to a great start!

Until we get our butts back to Boulder to be with what feels most like home, I have my sweet mini tribe and a few special peeps who keep me going

Here's where much of the action happened...the eating, the chopping, the washing, the snacking, the nibbling. There was so much eating going on almost nonstop and i did my fair share and subsequently smuggled 4 pounds of myself back to Panama!

We ventured out of our perfect compound and away from the beach a total of 3 times of the two week stay. Here we took the girls out on the town. This shop owner said in english with his great mexican accent "this is your day. come into my shop. today everything is almost free for you"

We found a sweet shop with a courtyard in the back with books, yummy smoothies and amazing home-ade popsicles!

In coming back to the house we wondered if it was necessary to leave again....ever!

I loved watching my babes play half naked with their strollers, their own babies and their innocence. Ahhh childhood.

(stay tuned for part 3)

Wednesday, January 19, 2011

only the half of her...

I love that Aiyana is wearing boy's "CARS" underwear and a poofy dress. It's so her. She loves playing babies and pushing out her belly pretending she's pregnant. she asks, "are you the midwife? You need to help me push my baby out and there's going to be alot of bleed". The thought and sight of blood fascinates her and pulls her in like a great novel.... the other day when i found a tick on Oso and explained that ticks like to suck out blood she asked me, "can you tell that to me again?".

Right now she's playing with a big truck. All her babies are in it, piled in like we see on the highway here in Panama and she says with furrowed brow, "this truck has a lot of smoke. the earth is mad".

She is intrigued with conflict, problems, owies...she likes to hear stories where someone is hurt, or angry, and of course where there is blood....preferably with a princess or fairy in it, too. She is complex and sensitive. She asks why all the time and sings. She uses a high pitched voice to talk with her sister and caresses her cheek like an adoring mama.

My first born is a powerhouse, she's stubborn and she can make my blood boil...but she is also very sensitive and often says to my cranky days "mama, use a nice voice with me" which almost always brings me right back to my center where i can take a deep breath and better choose my reactions. Sometimes i clench my teeth and await bedtime and sometimes I thank her for her reminders.

She has opened me up and allowed me to find appreciation in more things than the pretty, the sweet, the compliant and the quiet. There is a whole spectrum of expression that she draws upon! And it is not always easy to be a part of!

This little girl is quite an individual! It is such a miracle to watch her unfold.

Monday, January 17, 2011

Family Holiday 2010 (Part 1)

Happy 2011!

I am back and finally have a moment to sit and write. We moved out of our Paitilla apartment on December 17th and put everything into my mother's garage and then left for our Christmas vacation on the 18th. A little hectic but the anticipation of our 2 week retreat on the aqua beaches of Tulum, Mexico was keeping me going.

Abel and I have been to Tulum 3 times prior and it is our favorite beach getaway. It is heaven with pink shell speckled white sand and crystal clear waters. There is a strip of eco resorts far away (one and a half hours drive) from the craziness of the the strip-mall-all-inclusive-spring-break destination that is Cancun.

Our first trip was on our honeymoon, another a year later and then with little Aiyana when she was 10 months old. And now we were back with two babes! Time flies! this time we met my brothers, sister, her beau and our sweet niece Bella along wiht my little sis, my mom and her husband at an amazing house rented for the holidays (thank you mom and david!!).

Our little slice of paradise

We were secluded from everything and could hear the crashing waves from our window. I slept like a log every night and relished in the serenity, the quiet, the fresh air. It nourished dormant cells in my body.

my girls were free to run and play everyday in the sand and waves. It was sweet to see them enjoy this sacred place especially after living in an apartment for a year. I felt us sink deep into the arms of mother earth.

the rooftop deck was a good place for sweet conversation

I love, love, love my family. There are 5 of us kids and us 2 older sisters have very special mates and delicious daughters. So, all in all we are a herd of 12 and we all stayed under a single roof for two weeks with no yelling and minimal tears. We are all very easy going and appreciate these moments once a year where we get to love on each other. Oh, we have our issues. Don't get me wrong. It is not all peaches. But, we have much love for each other and truly soak in the time we have. It is yummy!

Isabella Grace is my precious 10 year old niece whose imagination is endless and her patience is strong. Aiayana and Bella were lost most days in their own beautiful world of babies, restaurants, fairies....we cried hard tears when we left and Aiyana asked on the plane ride home "does Bella miss me?"

more to come.............