tit for tat

I have been noticing lately that i am starting to threaten or bribe a lot of the time and i don't like it. It feels odd to me and unnatural. I feel like i am creating a process that i don't agree with. A kind of thinking for my littles that makes them only want to do something right for a certain reason...so as not to "get in trouble". So this means that if no one is watching and they can get away with it then maybe it's ok or at least it doesn't really matter.

Natural consequences are one thing. I like them. I like the world taking over my parental duties and teaching my children how things are done. Like if you throw your food on the ground then you will eat dirty food or go hungry. It's so simple and i can take myself out of the equation. But i find other areas so tricky.

I find myself saying, "if you make that loud noise in front of your sister's room while she is sleeping i am going to take all those toys away"
and she'll say "where will you put them?"
and we both look at each other like "what?"
and then i say, "just please try to play quietly while your sister is asleep"
and she responds, "i need to make alot of noise"



and i say "then you may go outside"
"the birds don't like to hear me, it's too loud for them"
"well, it's too loud for me and satya"
"well, i need to"
"ok, then they will be taken away"
so she makes the loud noise while staring at me in the face
yes, this is my fiery first born
and so i take the things away and she screams and screams and guess what? she wakes up the baby.

So now that i write all that it doesn't seem like that big of a deal, but you know how those moments grow into double headed monsters, right?)
oh yes, i have tried things like distraction and a sweet "let's go outside together and bang on this drum" all sorts of things but its like she wants this intense conflict, she wants to test me. maybe to see what i will really do, maybe to see how fierce my lion roar really is....or maybe it has nothing to do with me and it is her own exploration of her power.

but whatever it is, it is a place of practice...it is a place where i have the opportunity to be someone i want to be. it is a place where i can practice seeing the moment 10 years from now and embodying what it is i wish i would have done. it is also a place where my rage can emerge i can be a not so perfect mama and yank or give her that lip curling threatening look and yell and then feel awful and guilty and childish.

Maybe they are too young but i have a feeling that i want something more out of my "teaching moments" as a parent. Yes, there are times when the crazy moments transform beautifully from intensity to explosion, to surrender and peace. But there are others that are sticky and that don't have a drop of wisdom or even translation. They are full of 4 year old banter and 33 year old tantrums.

I have the pressure and the desire to create empathy, morality, and respect. Respect cuz i'm the mama and i say so! Maybe these explosive moments when tantrums are on the horizon or maybe right on the fire are not meant to teach but rather to throw water on so the least amount of damage is done. And the teaching comes later when i can reflect while snuggling and give sweet pieces of wisdom.

And maybe its all of it at different times.
I think this is just a messy job and i use a lot of energy wishing it wasn't.