Wednesday, September 21, 2011

going numb

My tendency is to go numb whenever there is alot going on emotionally for me. I go on auto pilot taking care of all my family duties blindly but my essence is stuck somewhere hovering inches above my body and i just do what i have to to get by day to day.

I do all that i can to keep myself from entering this hole of unknown gunk...the emotional laundry that has been piling up for weeks now...months probably. In my moments alone I eat, i clean, i watch movies, browse the internet, drown myself in worry and guilt for all the things i do wrong as a mother....really i stuff my head, my heart, my face with anything that can take away the blinding fact that there are tender spots inside me that need tending to.

Why am i so resistant to taking care of myself? yes, i give non-stop all day long to my children so the moment i leave their room at night i crave a quick fix, something that will momentarily quench the thirst for true connection; chocolate, wine, pastries, stupid tv shows, internet shopping.....My energy is spent, my reserves are empty. But is that excuse enough? I want to be a mother more than anything else in this life but i also want to find that sweet balance where i have space to shine no matter what is going on within my household.

I know what i need. i need hot baths, facials, quiet reading time, meditation, yoga, walks, sleep. Any one of these on a daily basis would slowly start to take the tip off the mountain of self-neglect. But even though i "know" what i need i usually choose the quick fix. what's wrong with me? how do i get ahead just enough so i have the energy to give back to myself?

well, even as i write this i feel my breath deepen and a familiar part of me awaken. it has been too long....this time away. how can i as a mother not disappear as a woman? and maybe even blossom and thrive? is it possible to be the kind of mother i am and want to be and be fully myself? hmmmm.

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