bodhi-mama

I am alive!

What an adventure this life has been and is and here i ams o many years later coming back to doing one of my favorite things!

Writing!!!

What has happened? how do i let it go for so long?
I get wrapped up in the daily grind and i always choose laundry, bathrooms, meal prep and the incessant task of picking things up over what i need most- a creative outlet!

I need this more than i can say and i know in this moment because i feel in the flow as i write. I dont even care if anybody reads this. It is just the release that is so damn therapeutic. AHHHH

So here i am many years later and i have to live with the regret that i have barely written anything down about myself, my girls, their changes and accomplishments or even about the birth of my little boy nearly 3 years ago! Yup, i have three kiddos now and i have to say that YES they are the best part of life AND yes 3 is CRAZY! Someone once told that two is civilized and doable while three is over the edge and i have to agree. It's amazing and messy, fantastic and awful and sleepless and draining and too much and beautiful all rolled into one. And i can say this because i am trying to no longer sit with the shame and guilt and the desire to be perfect.
I do have a desire to be the perfect mom who is always glowing in the light of her children, who can take it all and wake up every morning singing a new song and who whisks her children into the air with giggles and smiles and who shows them that their light is so bright that they can do anything.

Well, guess what.

There are those moments but more often these days i wake up cursing the day. Too early it tears me from my sanctuary in my covers before the break of dawn by by toddler. Ugh! Too often, i crave silence and staring into the void. I want a break , a breather, a time to call my own where I can listen to the voice inside who has become a hoarse whisper.

For now, that shadow of myself whom i barely recognize will come back into the light and share in this little corner of the world. I will dust myself off and shine even for a moment.