Some days i feel like i am disappearing, slowly melting away without a trace of who i was before. I am simply “mama”. It’s not that i mind the name. I actually prefer it to my old name but i just wonder what will become of me once i am not so all-consumed with my girls. If i dive deeply now will i remember to come up for air or even know that i need air? I love, love, love sinking into my mama role. I love feeling like i am doing the best i can to give these babes a strong, loving, rich foundation on which to build the rest of their lives. Even though, that feeling is actually rare, it is my goal. I work really hard at it and give myself over to trying. I do feel the strong desire to be more self- expressive and to have a deep inner practice. My practice is in giving and i do alot of creative work and play with aiyana to try to satisfy my own needs but i think that it is merely pacifying the true craving that is much more private than crayons or playdough can reveal.
So, i am giving up the goals i have set before because i realized that i am not there. i am not moved by those things for more than a day so if i do those things, great but what’s more important for me right now is to ask myself some revealing questions and write, write, write. Not do, do , do. I do all day long. I want to begin something else right now. Something that sets the tone for everything else that i am a part of in my life. I want to flesh out this other part of me so that my mama role can be that much richer. So, no goals yet. Just a shallow pot of simmering liquid sitting uncovered waiting to boil.