From a few weeks ago....
My eyes are puffy slits this morning. The bag of frozen peas didnt do much. I had a good cry last night and my eyes do not let me get away with it the next day. It was a good sob session. One where you feel like a little child, huffing between sobs while your chest palpitates and your nose gets all stuffed up and you have to breathe thru your mouth.... you know that kind? oh, it feels good. such a release.
i have been feeling so much pressure lately, so much judgement, i cracked. mostly its an inner critic and then bits from the outside world. this inner voice has been slamming me nonstop for months now.
she's an old hag, a perfectionist, a know-it-all who narrates EVERYTHING i do. she's worn me down and brought me to sobbing tears. When i am drinking my coffee or tea in the morning she pushes me to "get going, the kids need structure, get them outside, they're bored to tears" and then when we go on our morning walk she picks "you should have an idea, an intention for the walk, you didnt bring baskets, you could be gathering treasures, you cant just meander thru the day without meaning. what are you teaching the girls about life?" And then when we are carving our jack o lantern she wonders why i dont know any halloween songs or jack o lantern stories to go along with the project, why didnt i prepare for this? it's so like me to just jump into things half-assed and unprepared"
Leave me alone you f****ing hag! AHHHHHHH, she goes on and on every day. and i know they are just little things but because this work is my job and i take it very seriously and i try to give my whole heart to my days with these precious souls....this witch's banters pierce me and wear on me. Plus, as i wrote yesterday, i feel alone in it all. No co-workers, few comrades....it's bound to drive me mad. i feel like i am taking crazy pills!
A part of me thinks i should be running this household like a preschool, I guess. Is that what i am supposed to do? Is that what stay-at-home mamas do? Sometimes i think I focus too much on the girls...i think i am supposed to do things for myself as well but it is so hard to get into projects with little ones around. i always think that maybe when satya is a bit older, it will be easier to get my paints out, write my novels :)....right now i get interrupted every 5 minutes.
some days are very smooth. there is a nice in and out rhythm to the day... a bit of outside time, projects, snuggles, stories, swimming...maybe i got a bit of yoga in. and then other days i stare at my children and wonder what the hell i am supposed to do for the next 12 hours!!