Tuesday, October 19, 2010

mama madness

From a few weeks ago....

My eyes are puffy slits this morning. The bag of frozen peas didnt do much. I had a good cry last night and my eyes do not let me get away with it the next day. It was a good sob session. One where you feel like a little child, huffing between sobs while your chest palpitates and your nose gets all stuffed up and you have to breathe thru your mouth.... you know that kind? oh, it feels good. such a release.
i have been feeling so much pressure lately, so much judgement, i cracked. mostly its an inner critic and then bits from the outside world. this inner voice has been slamming me nonstop for months now.
she's an old hag, a perfectionist, a know-it-all who narrates EVERYTHING i do. she's worn me down and brought me to sobbing tears. When i am drinking my coffee or tea in the morning she pushes me to "get going, the kids need structure, get them outside, they're bored to tears" and then when we go on our morning walk she picks "you should have an idea, an intention for the walk, you didnt bring baskets, you could be gathering treasures, you cant just meander thru the day without meaning. what are you teaching the girls about life?" And then when we are carving our jack o lantern she wonders why i dont know any halloween songs or jack o lantern stories to go along with the project, why didnt i prepare for this? it's so like me to just jump into things half-assed and unprepared"
Leave me alone you f****ing hag! AHHHHHHH, she goes on and on every day. and i know they are just little things but because this work is my job and i take it very seriously and i try to give my whole heart to my days with these precious souls....this witch's banters pierce me and wear on me. Plus, as i wrote yesterday, i feel alone in it all. No co-workers, few comrades....it's bound to drive me mad. i feel like i am taking crazy pills!
A part of me thinks i should be running this household like a preschool, I guess. Is that what i am supposed to do? Is that what stay-at-home mamas do? Sometimes i think I focus too much on the girls...i think i am supposed to do things for myself as well but it is so hard to get into projects with little ones around. i always think that maybe when satya is a bit older, it will be easier to get my paints out, write my novels :)....right now i get interrupted every 5 minutes.
some days are very smooth. there is a nice in and out rhythm to the day... a bit of outside time, projects, snuggles, stories, swimming...maybe i got a bit of yoga in. and then other days i stare at my children and wonder what the hell i am supposed to do for the next 12 hours!!


Ana said...

Hey Megs, just make up a song! I freaked out when Colin was about to be born, realizing I didn't know any children's songs. Then I realized that I was singing everything that I did to him. I make up stories and songs now, he enjoys them just as much, even better whe he or his favorite animals or characters are part of it.

Kimberly {YeP, they are all mine} said...

Yep, yep, yep.

Rasta Mama said...

Wow Megan! Seriously...your blog hits my soul hard. I too have the crazy, mean mama sitting on one shoulder every day. That mama says the nastiest things to me. You know...I'm not doing enough, I am doing too much, not doing it right, overdoing it, not being genuine, not trying hard enough, not succeding...etc. It's rough. That mean mama makes me feel like I am going bat shit crazy half the time. Ok - 3/4 of the time! And I only have Aaliyah! I think that mama would be a nightmare if I had another little one in the mix. I try to give myself credit on those days where nothing seems to go right or where the flow of the day is off kilter but it is hard when mean mama is shouting profanities at me! I think I mentioned before how hard the singing, not talking thing is for me but I have been trying really hard not to worry about the fact that I might not know the stories, or the songs, or the verses. I just make it up as I go and Aaliyah loves it. Why - because it is from me, to her, with love. That's all these babes want right? So make up some silly song about a pumpkin and give yourself a hug for being a good mama just for trying. And cry your eyes out when you need to! I do and the release is better than anything in the world. Love to you from me!

Jennifer Saleem

Anonymous said...

Don't worry Meags... we all have that inner nagging voice telling us we aren't good enough. In your case though, we KNOW that that is not true! ;)