Oh, I ache. My heart physically hurts and the tears are surfacing. I have been feeling like I want to go home lately. I didnt know i had a "home" or where that might be as i have moved so frequently in my life and my family is spread out over the globe. But now that i am here in Panama i think about Boulder as my home. It is the place i find myself yearning to return to. After we visited a few months past I returned here so detached to the people and the town of bloulder. It was a strange feeling. At the beginning of my visit i was scheming to stay for good and then by the end i was wanting to go home to Panama. It was a strange sensation but i was glad to not be wanting so badly what i couldnt have. I think i expected that all my empty parts would be filled by those that i had been missing so deeply. And i was disappointed. We all get busy with the days, with our lives and we don't have time to nourish the village in a way that i crave. So, i detached and pretended that those things no longer held the same weight in my heart when in fact they do.
And now? I want to go again. It didnt last long. I think mainly i just miss being around people that i know and who know me where we can do the small talk or we can ask deep questions or we can just enjoy the moment so freely without much judgement. I want to create the village that i hold in my heart. I want my children to be around men and women who hold similar truths and who strive to be authentic. I want to be supported by others who live in a way that i do and who can help me to deepen my spiritual practice and bring vision to child rearing and education. Here, i feel that i am doing it solo and am having to defend my views from the "norm" which leaves me weakened and doubtful.
I feel like i am waiting to return. Waiting to be a part...and i dont like to live like that. It is a constant reminder to stay present and to fully take each moment, each day while i am here and live to its greatest potential. And maybe some moments have the greatest potential for buckets of tears or raw, pillow-punching, tiger-growling tantrums!!!!
my gorgeous niece Bella pushing Aiyana on a tire swing at her new house in the mountains...i miss that fresh air without exhaust, cars honking, trash everywhere...pure, raw, silent nature
Back of the Trident, my favorite coffee house! where they have a sandbox for the babes, soymilk options, organic teas, friendly passers-by, english books galore, oh and a Chipotle across the way!!!....its the little things
Love from Auntie Lia, irreplaceable...we need it daily!
Cousins...how can i keep them apart?
dinners with friends and family made with fresh, organic produce straight from the garden...oh, i neeeeed this!
And the wide, traffic-less community walking areas....ahhhhh. i'm telling you, it's strange the things we miss....its home