grumpy tuesday

I have a million thoughts running in and out of my mind...mostly too fast to catch but i have an overall feeling of unrest. I can hardly put my finger on it but i do feel like ranting a bit. I need to release and bitch about things; you know, the small things that make me feel ashamed, self-centered and unworthy of all the graces i am given.

But, nonetheless, I am cranky and i am aware that thousands of people have recently and currently undergone major catastrophe....i really need a selfish little outlet. and only then can i be a better person.

I am so damn hot. Unless i am in an air conditioned car or room, i feel like i am running a fever. all the time. i have a constant rim of sweat above my lip, forehead and neck. my palms are hot to the touch. it's uncomfortable and it makes me really cranky. i can't handle anything because i am so hot. but, i have an energized four year old and an almost two year old who just realized that her best form of communication is the attention-getting scream....at the top of her lungs....which all makes me hotter and crankier.

I found a diseased and dying baby possum in our yard today. it was sad and gross. there were flies on his back and his tongue was dragging on the floor. anyway, i couldn't eat lunch without the sight of him flashing in my mind and gagging just a little. nice.

That poor little guy made me think about how toxic everything feels here. there are pesticides and herbicides allowed here that were banned in the good ole United States of America decades ago. This residential area sprays for mosquitoes several times a week so that we have a constant handful of bites on us rather than hundreds. Not to mention the diesel fumes from all the buses (a little salute going out to the folks who invented the recycled air button for cars, and the mechanics behind it).

i don't like buying fish even though we live on the ocean because the sewer from the city goes into the waters. When we lived on the water i used to watch the fisherman from our window and wonder how far with their little speed boats did they go to catch those fish and who are they selling them too? Needless to say, i don't eat much fish.

Ahh, starting to feel a bit of the release.

Bottled water, bread, crackers, produce, cheese....they all have a slight fragrance of laundry soap. Absolutely everything bought at the supermarkets here tastes or at the very least smells like cheap soap. I don't know why. Maybe because most things are almost expired because they come from so far away and sit in shipping containers with all those boxes and bottles and mothballs that fill that long aisle in the store of cleaning products and they have months to soak in the fragrance. It's nasty. And it makes me mad.

Ok, i think am done for now. oh, wait there's more coming. but i think i'll bitch to myself in the shower. my scalp is sweaty.

happy tuesday!

sharing the art of self-love

Aiyana is lying on the floor next to me on a yoga mat, her skin glistening with cocoa butter and lavender oil, fast asleep. What a delicious baby growing into a magical girl.

Today after putting little Satya down for her nap. Aiyana amd I pulled out the mats, the oils, put on some relaxing music and rubbed each other. She is quite the masseuse! I adore her touch and she loves to give it. I rubbed her sweet little body, her growing feet, her perfect skin and after about 20 minutes she fell deeply asleep. Ahh, bliss!

I adore these moments together where we are loving ourselves and quieting the world; where i am remembering and she is learning to slow down and practice the art of caring for our bodies and spirits in a way that seems to have gone almost extinct in this world.

I began my cycle today, my period, my "bleed" (as Aiyana calls it). And perhaps it is an occurrence that is mostly hushed in our society, a word/an experience that is so private that is has become awkward to mention but i don't abide by those unspoken rules. In my world this time is honored and the change in my household is marked by a day or two of rest, picnics on the floor, long showers, body rubs, soulful music, books, snuggles, daydreaming, sunbathing, tea....all that is nourishing to the senses and soul.

In these first days i feel so grounded, so at peace, so strong in my knowing of what is needed and i feel breath in every moment....and space, enough space to encounter each interaction with grace. Time slows down and everything is calm. I feel connected to a deep part of my being that is so ancient and mysterious that i hardly care to speak. I feel full. I am in complete stillness with all things inside and out. It's an incredible time and one that i no longer try to resist.

This day, each month, i let all things go and in that settling i find my greatest joy and all the stress and confusion and guilt that is part of motherhood has no place...and from here i can share with aiyana the luscious connection that must be had between women. That beautiful space that we can hold for each other that allows our masks to fall away and our souls to feast.

It truly is a heaven of our own making!

our february/march days

Well, almost 2 years since we moved to this crazy city and i am finally learning to appreciate a few aspects of living in the tropics.....especially in february and march when much of the US and Canada is freezing their buns off!





The girls are so into their little kitchen. While i cook in the evenings they get busy too. I give them all sorts of old spices, beans, cheap flours...and they create amazing soups! True chefs in the making!







And a sweet little just-turned-4 year old on a special date with mama at a coffee shop eating whip cream!