Saturday, April 23, 2011
stuff is cooler than i thought
I have this crazy yearning to nest. It's so intense that i physically feel it gnawing in my gut. It's been lingering for awhile now. It feels like the kind they talk about that women experience before birth. I never did get the urge to organize and clean before either of my two littles arrived but i am sure making up for it now! My hormones are raging and screaming for me to carve a nook for my family and to stay put.
I day dream about creating cozy corners in MY home, painting MY walls, taking books off MY shelves to peruse on MY couch while staring out the window and admiring MY garden and MY curtains. In my head, i have decorated a gorgeous room for the girls...you should see it!
For the past 2 years and even longer, I have lived like each place is too temporary to settle into to. I cant hang things up or buy cute bedspreads knowing that i am not going to be here for very long. I just can't do it. It doesnt feel right. And yet i feel so lost in a way.
My husband always says that we should live like this is it in every moment and not wait for anything else to come.....he wants us to carve out a home in every house that we live in and i just havent been able to do it. If i know that i will leave in a certain amount of time than why empty out that box, why put up shelves and why buy towels of the perfect color? To me, there is no point.
We are currently living in this awesome house, fully furnished complete with silverware and hand towels. It's my mama's house and they are in the process of selling it....they moved away and gave us the opportunity to live in a totally secure neighborhood and have a huge house with a pool, a yard and hoses that occupy my babes for hours....an awesome change from apartment living!
But, not much in this house belongs to me and although i dont get too attached to things and joyfully sold and gave away our entire house before moving here....i want more than anything to have stuff again! I know, there is nothing zen about the whole thing and i question what it is i really need and why should things make me happy. after all, i really thought i was a gypsy at heart and that the whole world was my home. And maybe that is partly true but what i need right now for my own sense of security and nourishment for my soul is a home full of MY things placed in corners specifically with my intention and photos hung on walls because i chose it.
I feel far away from the days where i rejoiced in having nothing more than a trunk full of stuff. I could go anywhere in a blink. I still romanticize that notion and that freedom but with little ones i want nothing more than one single place to call home.
And thank the gods and goddesses that my time is just around the corner....3 months to go and we will be back in Boulder, Colorado where my heart says is home at least for now. We will leave this 3,500 sq foot house for a 1000 sq ft home...but, since we have to leave the maid behind our tiny house might be just right! WOOHOO!!!!