tidbits

one

I have watched Pride and Prejudice many times and in watching it i am left only with wanting more. I'm not even sure what it is that draws me in so deeply. There is a simplicity to life of that time. A space that allows life to slow down, afternoons to read books, rolling hills to amble, tea to be sipped and herbs to be picked. Where is that space now?
In her time there is space to learn music, drawing, painting, dancing...all of which is deemed a prerequisite for any young lad or lady to enter into society. How civilized!
Of course, I know there is crazy sex and class discrimination but i don't like to worry about that so much.
i just want to steep in the beauty that Jane paints for me.........

two

Aiyana has informed me that trolls may be nice but there are none living in Panama

three

Satya has gone "peepee poddy" a few times over the last several days! it helps to live in a tropical climate and be naked all the time! the perks of life in Panama!

four

i love my toddy coffee. it leaves a smirk on my face as i fall asleep...just in the knowing that it is there for me in the morning...i know that coffee is not good for me but i am consciously allowing myself to indulge for now. And it is soooo good! i now get all the hype about coffee that is all over the world! How is it that EVERYONE in EVERY country figured this out? I think that coffee was the reason for the industrial revolution. has anyone ever looked into when people started drinking crazy amounts of coffee? it puts a smile on your face and makes ya wanna get stuff done!

five

Ahh, sisterly love...imitation is the best form of flattery, is it not? Aiyana watch this.....

Family Holiday (Part 2)

I'm having one of those days where i feel like i want to curl up, cry a lot sleep, get spoon-fed, fall back to sleep, cry some more...not sure what happened but woke up in a super funk and cannot shake it. If i had a "real" job i would most definitley call in sick and lounge around all day in my underwear eating ice cream. But, since I have two littles who do not allow me any time off i have tried to do the above with almost no luck.

Cuz, when mama is cranky, the babes are a mess! And i don't have what it takes to shift their drama. Heck, i can't even pull myself together! What's a mama to do?

I felt similar a couple of weeks back when we came back from our precious holiday. Two weeks surrounded by special peeps, my peeps where i felt seen, loved and was hugged multiple times a day to coming back to no family, almost no community and boxes in a garage...it was a bit depressing to say the least.

Those weeks with my fam gave me a dose of that feeling of tribe, of community that i long for so ardently.

I know in my depth that it is possible to live in an environment that is quite unlike the structures that have been patch-worked together but that is something much more soul- satisfying. Maybe you already have a closely knit community of family and friends who nurture you, help you raise your children, whom you cook with and garden with. I feel like i am far away from anything that resembles that and i have such a desire to create it for my family.

If only i could get some of these folks living in one town, I'd be off to a great start!



Until we get our butts back to Boulder to be with what feels most like home, I have my sweet mini tribe and a few special peeps who keep me going



Here's where much of the action happened...the eating, the chopping, the washing, the snacking, the nibbling. There was so much eating going on almost nonstop and i did my fair share and subsequently smuggled 4 pounds of myself back to Panama!



We ventured out of our perfect compound and away from the beach a total of 3 times of the two week stay. Here we took the girls out on the town. This shop owner said in english with his great mexican accent "this is your day. come into my shop. today everything is almost free for you"



We found a sweet shop with a courtyard in the back with books, yummy smoothies and amazing home-ade popsicles!









In coming back to the house we wondered if it was necessary to leave again....ever!



I loved watching my babes play half naked with their strollers, their own babies and their innocence. Ahhh childhood.

(stay tuned for part 3)

only the half of her...

I love that Aiyana is wearing boy's "CARS" underwear and a poofy dress. It's so her. She loves playing babies and pushing out her belly pretending she's pregnant. she asks, "are you the midwife? You need to help me push my baby out and there's going to be alot of bleed". The thought and sight of blood fascinates her and pulls her in like a great novel.... the other day when i found a tick on Oso and explained that ticks like to suck out blood she asked me, "can you tell that to me again?".

Right now she's playing with a big truck. All her babies are in it, piled in like we see on the highway here in Panama and she says with furrowed brow, "this truck has a lot of smoke. the earth is mad".

She is intrigued with conflict, problems, owies...she likes to hear stories where someone is hurt, or angry, and of course where there is blood....preferably with a princess or fairy in it, too. She is complex and sensitive. She asks why all the time and sings. She uses a high pitched voice to talk with her sister and caresses her cheek like an adoring mama.

My first born is a powerhouse, she's stubborn and she can make my blood boil...but she is also very sensitive and often says to my cranky days "mama, use a nice voice with me" which almost always brings me right back to my center where i can take a deep breath and better choose my reactions. Sometimes i clench my teeth and await bedtime and sometimes I thank her for her reminders.

She has opened me up and allowed me to find appreciation in more things than the pretty, the sweet, the compliant and the quiet. There is a whole spectrum of expression that she draws upon! And it is not always easy to be a part of!

This little girl is quite an individual! It is such a miracle to watch her unfold.

Family Holiday 2010 (Part 1)

Happy 2011!

I am back and finally have a moment to sit and write. We moved out of our Paitilla apartment on December 17th and put everything into my mother's garage and then left for our Christmas vacation on the 18th. A little hectic but the anticipation of our 2 week retreat on the aqua beaches of Tulum, Mexico was keeping me going.

Abel and I have been to Tulum 3 times prior and it is our favorite beach getaway. It is heaven with pink shell speckled white sand and crystal clear waters. There is a strip of eco resorts far away (one and a half hours drive) from the craziness of the the strip-mall-all-inclusive-spring-break destination that is Cancun.

Our first trip was on our honeymoon, another a year later and then with little Aiyana when she was 10 months old. And now we were back with two babes! Time flies! this time we met my brothers, sister, her beau and our sweet niece Bella along wiht my little sis, my mom and her husband at an amazing house rented for the holidays (thank you mom and david!!).



Our little slice of paradise






We were secluded from everything and could hear the crashing waves from our window. I slept like a log every night and relished in the serenity, the quiet, the fresh air. It nourished dormant cells in my body.



my girls were free to run and play everyday in the sand and waves. It was sweet to see them enjoy this sacred place especially after living in an apartment for a year. I felt us sink deep into the arms of mother earth.



the rooftop deck was a good place for sweet conversation

I love, love, love my family. There are 5 of us kids and us 2 older sisters have very special mates and delicious daughters. So, all in all we are a herd of 12 and we all stayed under a single roof for two weeks with no yelling and minimal tears. We are all very easy going and appreciate these moments once a year where we get to love on each other. Oh, we have our issues. Don't get me wrong. It is not all peaches. But, we have much love for each other and truly soak in the time we have. It is yummy!



Isabella Grace is my precious 10 year old niece whose imagination is endless and her patience is strong. Aiayana and Bella were lost most days in their own beautiful world of babies, restaurants, fairies....we cried hard tears when we left and Aiyana asked on the plane ride home "does Bella miss me?"





more to come.............

over and over again

I like new, i like change, i generally do not like to repeat things. My body and mind find comfort in doing an activity again and again but there is a part of me that resists the familiar. After i do an intense yoga class or go for a long walk or do an at home exercise routine, i think "well, that's done." and a part of me thinks i should be good to go for some. i dont like the fact that i am supposed to do it again and again and again for it to really do me any good. I want my body to suddenly transform and my mind to feel that sweet peaceful surrender.

But, unfortunately, things dont work this way in the real world and in order for me to find that comfort in a "familiar" somthing i need to get familiar with it i.e. do it again and again!

I can blame this tendency on my upbringing....being allowed to dabble in piano, violin, ballet, horse-back riding, drawing, soccer while also being permitted to quit the moment i got hurt, bored or distracted. I can also point the finger at my sun sign as a pisces being easliy influenced by others or my temperment being sanguine keeping me fluttering about on a million things but never holding my interest for long. Oh, or i can blame it on the fact that i like to stay invisible and not be noticed for anything great or poor....my tendency to blend into the walls and observe the world from a quiet sitting posture.

But, whatever the reason(s), it is a trait that i have noticed for some time now and i am playing with it wondering if i can budge, staying curious but secretly hoping that i can ground myself long enough to create habits.

So, since my full -time -plus -overtime job is mama and home maker i am trying to take baby steps and teach myself as well as be an example to my children the value of doing things twice, three times, four times, every week, every season..... it's a beautiful thing but a momentous task.

I know that repetition brings security, confidence and builds a life-long appreciation for doing stuff so i am really trying to instill some of this in our daily lives. Even the smallest things...we're not talking marathon training, picasso classes and language tutors. I don't mean for me or my children to be amazing at everything...it's more about just sticking to things and doing them for the sake of exploration, or for the sake of doing anything for so long that it brings joy and comfort.

Here's to painting, drawing, pretend music classes, dance parties, tea parties, baking, riding, planting, loving, laughing, stories, puppet shows........all the things that should be done again and again!

Wow, my life is GOOD!

breath

i have this natural tendency to shush a screaming baby....my screaming baby and to silence or distract a tantrumming toddler. the shrills get under my skin and my ears ring and my eyes widen and my instincts tell me to make it stop. It's annoying and unsettling. I dont like it.

i like peace, beauty, laughter, smiles, the smell of lillies and of fresh bread; i like sweet children who say please and thank you and who snuggle into your arms and whisper "i love you mama"...and i like it when my 3 year old (as she did tonight at dinner) tells me how proud of me she is. You see, i like all these things, they make me smile and i like to smile.

What i don't like is the overwhelm that creeps over me when there is too much noise, when there is crying, hitting, conflict... I've never been into arguments and meanies. I guess i never really knew (and am just learning) how to handle and be ok with other emotions besides the soft, happy ones.

We are beautiful human beings who have the capacity to experience a myriad of feelings that rush through all parts of our bodies and release their own concoctions of hormones. It's really amazing! I tell myself that there is beauty in all of it and it is only recently that i have started to truly believe that for myself.

In a moment the other day when i woke feeling a bit depressed i had the urge to just feel that way and to not come up with a dozen things that might get me out of that feeling. ways that would make me feel "good" and happy...you know, the way we are "supposed" to feel. I just stewed in melancholy. And with that permission, it actually felt comfortable. I felt slow and sensitive. I breathed deeply and slowly and did not expect or wish that moment to be any different.

And then something awesome happened.

there

was

space.

space for me, space for tantrums, space for all and anything that arose.

Aiyana was upset and time and space slowed and i had breath and i watched her emotion, her anger and mirrored it for her and sat with her and we watched it pass then we hugged.

i want my girls to witness and feel the full spectrum of emotion and love themselves through it and know that we are forever changing and that it can all be ok. and i see so poignantly how inner work is crucial as a conscious parent. its the only way.

it seems like when there is breath....space....in between it's like we are caressing each moment, each sensation with just a little bit of peace....or love....and only then is there room for all of us in all our moments.

Panama Tour: Playa Blanca and Gorgona

Oh the beach.....

My favorite part about living here in Panama is the beach. Unfortunately, the beach right outside of our apartment is not swimmable. No beach less than an hour away from the city is suitable to touch because of the "poopy water", as aiyana calls it.

But, not too far away there are great beaches. They are not comparable to the Mexican Riviera but they do satiate a deep desire to be held by the water and to play in the sand. It really makes me feel unbelievably lucky and happy each and every time we go! I'm a beach girl...always have been. When we first moved here we went to a beach every weekend and then we got lazy and go once or twice per month. It takes alot to get this family out the door. Our baggage for 2 days resembles all my belongings that i packed my car with when i left home at 17. It' pretty ridiculous. (I'll snap a shot of the piles next time)

We went to the Playa Blanca Resort for a night. We're not really resort-type folks but we gladly accepted the free invite Abel received for the grand opening of their ginormous salt water pool!

this is a portion of the pool (1/3) with filtered ocean water! it is truly incredible!

the water is cleaner than the ocean and no little critters

and they even surrounded it with sand!

for the remainder of the weekend we rented our usual casita in Gorgona. It's perfect...and on the ground floor with a door that opens up to the outdoors!!!

and a pool that the girls love to play in!

the sand is peppered and the tide is often high but we lucked out and were able to play for hours in the sand

and even do a little yoga

wide, open beach...the girls can be loud, run, far, and get mesmerized by the sounds of the waves...my heaven

the care-takers' kids...there are 6 of them...these are the youngest

oh, how i miss Whole Foods! these mini supers are so depressing. i can hardly find a single thing suitable for consumption. seriously, that front case is nothing but hot dogs and the shelves are stocked with dusty bags of chips, bimbo bread, and ramen noodles. but, alas, no health food store in sight! Wahhhhhhh. we usually make do with fruit from local stands and stuff we bring from home.

aiyana is so gentle with her satya. it is a blessing to watch their relationship deepen

you know how people always say to cherish this time with your children...they are only little for such a short time.....hold them close cuz they won't let you when they are older.....blah, blah, blah.

well, i do. i REALLY do AND they still get older day by day and time still races. and i find it a tad painful.

Halloween!

Celebrating holidays with little ones is sooo much fun! I am much more inspired, now that i have children, to put in the effort to make a holiday festive. I love fall with the colors, the squash, the roasted seeds, the hot tea and all the yummy baking. However, halloween was never really one of my favorite celebrations. Probably because my mom always avoided it like the plague. Spooky, scary costumes, spiders, and candy are not my mom's idea of a good time. She is and has always been into natural foods and the idea of even passing out sugar anything to innocent children is absolutely out of the question. So, in order to avoid my mom passing out pencils or raisins we all hid in one room with the lights out while the trick or treaters passed us by. I think in high school my friends made me go to one house and say trick or treat as some kind of rite of passage.

There were a few years in elementary schoolwhen we lived in our spiritual community in California that the parents and teachers created a magical journey full of beautiful costumes, tents, riddles, lake crossings, homemade sweets and prizes. This really set the standard for halloween and nothing has been able to match it. Although, i hear that many waldorf schools pull off a magical experience for their communities which i am excited to be a part of by next halloween with my littles!

Nonetheless, we had a wonderful celebration here in Panama. With trick or treating and all! And we made it through without a lick of candy!

my three angels...i adore them! (why can't they just smile for the pic?)

Satya trying out her magic wand on Oso. she said "poof"

Aiyana loved to say "trick or treat" really loudly!

she thought this was way cool!

the trick or treaters!

satya's thoughts on the evening

it started raining so we ran back to the party for a little drumming

fortunately, we got home just in time to light our jack 'o lantern candle (sin pumpkin as it got moldy and grew green hair a few days before) and leave all the candy out for the halloween fairies....because they trade candy for a gift for those kids who don't eat candy.....

and in just a little while the candy was gone a new train and some tracks were left! thank you jack o lantern fairy!!!!

testing out the new tracks!