Mama Who?

Some days i feel like i am disappearing, slowly melting away without a trace of who i was before. I am simply “mama”. It’s not that i mind the name. I actually prefer it to my old name but i just wonder what will become of me once i am not so all-consumed with my girls. If i dive deeply now will i remember to come up for air or even know that i need air? I love, love, love sinking into my mama role. I love feeling like i am doing the best i can to give these babes a strong, loving, rich foundation on which to build the rest of their lives. Even though, that feeling is actually rare, it is my goal. I work really hard at it and give myself over to trying. I do feel the strong desire to be more self- expressive and to have a deep inner practice. My practice is in giving and i do alot of creative work and play with aiyana to try to satisfy my own needs but i think that it is merely pacifying the true craving that is much more private than crayons or playdough can reveal.
So, i am giving up the goals i have set before because i realized that i am not there. i am not moved by those things for more than a day so if i do those things, great but what’s more important for me right now is to ask myself some revealing questions and write, write, write. Not do, do , do. I do all day long. I want to begin something else right now. Something that sets the tone for everything else that i am a part of in my life. I want to flesh out this other part of me so that my mama role can be that much richer. So, no goals yet. Just a shallow pot of simmering liquid sitting uncovered waiting to boil.

It's How You See It

I am currently living on the 8th floor of the “Royal Princess” right on the water. I love having the ocean right outside my window but i’m not a big fan of apartment living. The earth seems so far away. My bare feet cannot touch the dirt without ALOT of effort. I miss my garden at home. I miss keeping my sliding back door open and letting my babe wander into her yard exploring the elements. Here we have to get shoes on, walk out the door, get on the elevator, walk thru the parking garage, say “buenas” to the nice guards and walk a few blocks to the park to get our outdoor time. I had to breathe in and out consciously to keep a panic attack at bay during our first few days here. I felt like a jungle animal thrown in a closet. Not good. Not to compare the circumstances of the holocaust to life in Panama but the movie “Life is Beautiful” kept coming to my mind. I feel like i have to keep a certain level of joy in my voice and actions so as not to alarm my girls of my discontent. i have to show them that new experiences can be met with enthusiasm and curiosity. And the only way to give them that is to show them, to be the model. I can do that. I have done it, actually. I have come out the other end of my miserable tunnel quite unscathed and surprisingly glad to have been through it.

Traditions, Boxes and Me

I blog in my head most of the day. It’s a constant narrative voice describing or explaining bits of life; mine or others. However, when the babes are finally napping and i have a few moments alone i suddenly feel exhausted, the voice in my head is less then a whisper and my eyes are barely half open. But i so badly want that voice to live in this cyber world that i will push right through this sleepiness and demand that the words in my head spill out onto this screen.
So, I’ve been thinking and observing alot about this place and some of the ways of life here and whether i like them or not i just find it completely amazing how we have all found ways to go about life here on earth. All over the world people have managed to build little communities, raise families, eat, sleep, laugh, cry, play and fight. We all do it differently and some with more success than others but we all have ideas of how these simple things in life should be done.
Here, just around the corner from our apartment in Punta Paitila is a little park. It’s a quaint park right on the water, one that most people all over the city know about and come to when they can. But, on any given afternoon beginning about 5 o’clock when the sun isn’t beating down on the unshaded playground, children from the neighborhood come to play with either a mama or a nanny or both. I’d say there are more nannies than mamas by a good portion. And this is one phenomenon that fascinates me and saddens me a bit. Here in Panama, it is quite normal and any other way is quite unnatural, for children to be raised by nannies. Whether or not the mother works outside of the home she has a nanny for her children and often one nanny per child. You can tell them apart from the mamas at the parks, on the sidewalks, at the ballet studios and the music classes by the way they interact with the children, not to mention their nurse-like uniforms and the mismatched color of their skin with that of the child’s.
This whole idea that someone else raises your children is so foreign to me. Usually, the nanny lives at the house in a tiny room shared with the maid without hot water or air conditioning. The whole maid thing is strange to me, too but i am taking advantage of that luxury and trying to enjoy it. Which i do, but i don’t really like someone in my space all the time. I’m from the United States. Land of space where we all yearn for and take up as much space as we want. We are space hoarders and we really like our space. We want space so badly and if we don’t get it or it doesn’t feel, look or smell right we go to therapy and try to air out more space inside to make the space outside more tolerable. I don’t think people here know about therapy. Which is sad because things are either shared or buried and i think most things are buried here. There is so much that isn’t ok to feel, let alone talk about in this culture and i am not even going to pretend that i know the half of it. I do know, at least i observe, that there are many boxes here that are the same shape and size of everyone else’s in your allotted class and it is best if you fit and stay nicely in your box so as not to surprise or offend anyone. I’m not sure what people make of me because i don’t really fit that well in the box that they had set aside for me. I’m white and foreign so i most likely belong to the upper classes but my hair is rarely done, hands unmanicured, outfit mismatched and i smile at doormen and say hello to the “help”. Hmmmm. Oh, and i venture out with two babies ALONE. My nanny must be sick. How do i manage? Even the nannies at the park as me why i don’t have a nanny. I say that i don’t want one and i enjoy taking care of my children and they get very confused.
I know, that is long-winded and might not even make sense but isn’t this blogging thing like free therapy? I’m not attempting an essay here, just taking off the top and letting some steam out.
Ok. more to come. babes need me…………….

Satya Amina, My Littlest Love

This angel that you see here moves my soul.
I look into her eyes and i fall so deeply that i can hardly get back up. She is so beyond her time that I am always shocked when i see her tiny, round bum in the mirror. My veins coarse in rhythm with hers.
Her skin, her lips, her breath, her coos are like liquid bliss.
I cannot get enough of her touch, her head against my chest.
Please god and goddess never let this end.
Imprint her baby self onto my body so that i may have her with me always.
Let her grow and be her larger-than-life self but keep her always near for i feel my heart breaking at the very thought of her distance.
The only thing that makes this love almost unbearable is the fact that she has a sister who melts my heart just as rapidly.

Update

Well, I did not really fulfill all the things i set out to do. I’m not sure what my problem is. I did jumrope. I did not go to that class. And i have not found a tutor. I have emailed a bunch advertised and spoke with one lady whose schedule doesn’t work for me. So, I sort of did what I could but I wouldn’t say that I did my best.
I guess i have other things on my mind and Abel had a few days off for Carnival so I wasn’t thinking bout my stuff as much. I like to just hang out as a family when he’s around and so i don’t really accomplish much besides doing my daily chores as a mother and homemaker (which, is alot so I can’t say I’m too lazy).

I do stil feel inspired, just not rushed. It’s really hard for me to do anything on any type of timeline these days. With two small babes it just takes forever to get going and then something always comes up to slow me down, more. I have been taking the girls down to our pool several times a week now in the middle of the day so we can get our dose of vit D and i bring the jumprope so i can jump while Satya crawls around and Aiyana swims and then i can jump into the freezing water and cool off. It works out well but i have to stop now and again before i am out of breath to distract Satya from falling in the water or eating a chunk of dirt or dead bug.

So, i am really trying to rest in the fact that while my kids are little, not much is going to get done besides eating, sleeping, changing, bathing…..the basics. Because making sure we are all fed, washed and rested is enough to fill up a day with the occasional playdate, music class, grocery shop and of course daily play. I know some moms can do a bazillion things and work out, write books, blog, start a business and learn guitar but I am just not that kind of mom. I am too obsessed with every little detail that goes on in my home. I have realized that I am sort of a control freak about my children which is strange because i have never thought of myself as a control freak about anything.

I kind of wish that I was more of a freak about getting other things done but i am learning that I am simply not that person so it doesn’t really do much to wish away my life. I have to figure out what works for me and what the tricks are to keep me interested.
I’ve actually just lost interest in this post as am coming back to it after a few days…..isn’t it annoying?

Mama Needs a New Pair of Shoes y Mucho Mas

I have heard people say that people in Panama have so much heart and their sweetness and generosity is what really makes this country a magical place. Well, perhaps these comments were made about the folks living in the countryside or on the islands because I have found the people in the city to be so dry and unhelpful that it sends me into a silent fit every time i encounter one. Today i was shopping in the HUGE Albrook mall where it takes days to traverse the entire space. I was desperately searching for a bathing suit or at least some article of clothing that is new and has not been worn during pregnancy or directly after. My attire, as of the last 3 years has been horrible, to say the least. I have thrown on anything that does the job not caring about expressing my keen fashion sense I have been obsessed with my gorgeous girls from the moment of their birth and, need i mention, have forgotten entirely about myself and how i represent myself to the world. I have noticed, as of late, that I dress worse than the maids. The clothes that my maid brings to change into for cleaning are similar to my daily wear. It’s really quite embarrassing. I think that the folk that see me out of my house assume that I am not somebody’s help solely because of the color of my skin. If i had darker skin I would most definitely be presumed to be the nanny or the maid. I’m not worried about what others perceive my status to be, i am only bringing attention to the fact that it is due time that i dress in what suits me rather than whatever covers my body.

Anyway, the clerks at these stores are so unfriendly, i feel like smacking them. They won’t even make eye contact when you ask them something and will absolutely not go out of their way to help. I wanted to try on a shirt from one department along with some bathing suits from another area- same store, mind you. And the lady said i couldn’t bring the shirt into the dressing room. I had to try it on downstairs. I had no idea how to tell her in spanish that that was totally ridiculous and please don’t make me go into a different dressing room, because i won’t. So i said it in english just to see if my emotion would get across, if not my words. She looked around and then handed me the shirt without even looking at me as if she were really risking her life for my comforts. This is but one example of what happens EVERYWHERE i go. Maybe they are just sick of gringos in their country but i see them treat everyone like this. It really makes me appreciate the customer service training that so many American companies put their employees through. Nordstrom and Whole Foods seem like a slice of heaven compared to any store here in Panama. They smile and say hello. wow. i look forward to that again someday.

Well, no bathing suit for this mama but i did find a pair of shorts which is a dream cuz i NEVER wear shorts. Now my palette is wet for some more shopping!!!!

Inspired

I’m feeling totally inspired lately. I have a couple of ideas why this is happening. Why my general mood has jumped from a depressing 3 to an overall 8 in the past weeks. I can’t say for certain but it could be the new year, the feeling of 2010 is productive, swirling, courageous, anything goes….2009 was beautiful because i birthed my little buddha and witnessed my Aiyana grow into more magic but lots of hard work was done, too. So, it has a heavy feeling to it. I’m thrilled to be in a new year where my mind has been racing and my body is struggling to keep up.
I was looking for my jumprope just moments ago as I feel determined to get my ass moving a bit more but alas, nowhere to be found so here i am blogging away, something i have yearned to do for weeks but don’t have the space. Anyway, i may be feeling more glee also because i am now over 9 months postpardum and don’t they say 9 months in, 9 months out. I think there may have been a sort of shift in hormones or maybe it was just energetic. I feel a new wave of mamahood, it feels lighter and i can feel myself emerging from a long hibernation.
This post is going to be all over the place as my thoughts soar so hold on tight and bear with me……
I have also been here in Panama for 8 months, has it been? And i think things are becoming a little familiar now which feels totally liberating. I am not saying that i like it here nor do i want to stay for very long but i will say that I have enjoyed myself at times more than i have in my entire stay here thus far so that is HUGE. I feel like myself just a little bit more. As i learn about Steiner’s temperaments i see what and why i am who i am and i like how it makes me more ok with things that i wanted to change before. For instance, i am a phlegmatic and VERY slow to move and to adapt. AH HA, see? It’s normal that i have been so miserable! It’s who i am, it’s how i’m made. That’s just the way i am and you cannot FORCE me to be happy when my whole self is struggling to simply BE in this new place. So, it’s refreshing.
Yes, jumproping. It can be done in the living room directly in front of the air conditioner and it only has to be done for minutes at a time to get my blood really pumping. My idea is to do 2x per day and just build on the minutes. About 75 jumps straight is all i can do initially but just wait and see what i can do by the end of the week….if i can find that darn thing. What’s jumprope in spanish? maybe Maria stuck it somewhere.
So, jumproping and spanish. I have already met with one tutor but her prices jumped up once we met so i think i’ll look around. I am determined to learn this language as much as possible before i fly the coup! I definitely know more than when i arrived but i still struggle with some basic verbs. It feels fun to speak it and actually get my point across. i’m not nervous like i used to be although it’s more embarassing to speak around people i know. If i’m on my own i don’t really mind giving it a try and using the words i know. But, i feel much more self-conscious when i feel someone is watching me.
I realized that my sangunie side- another one of the temperaments- gets all excited and jazzed about all these new things but then my primary aspect comes into play and is slow to get things moving. OR i get things moving but don’t follow through for very long. In either case, things don’t get done, i don’t learn anything to speak of and i become disappointed in myself. So, it is my intention to smack one of these temperaments silly and push beyond my natural tendencies. Oh, yes, this has been said before. Resolutions have been set before and not followed through and although this tempts me to simply grow old, i will not.I will forever make set new goals and always intend to meet them.
Each week i will set goals. Little, achievable goals and build on the momentum.This week:
jumprope 2x per day for four days
attend the dance therapy class at akila this thursday or next tues depending on when i get someone to watch the babes
and secure a tutor to start this or next week
Seems doable. The list really could go on because when i am excited i think of a million things i want to do but i will stop there so that I can actually accomplish something. Believe me, with 2 little ones daily showers are hard to come by!
Ok, i’m going to post this now as it’s been sitting here in draft mode for days! I keep getting interrupted. Imagine that

PMS and Other Thoughts

Wow, i am watching the rage inside of myself boil away. There really is no point at this time to try to reason with it or sweetly calm the waters. I feel like a caged animal ready to pounce on any innocent creature who even looks like they might taunt me. My rational self knows that this is PMS and it too shall pass but in the meantime I am stuck with this nasty bitch of a person that i cannot befriend. Almost every interaction today has been crunchy. I cannot manage to be an adult with my children and manage tantrums while I myself am in a full fledged tantrum. Somebody needs to put me in a time-out! For the love of humanity, put me in a time-out!!! I wish to high heaven that i could just curl up into a severely air-conditioned room, cozy up under the covers and have someone who adores me rub my whole body until i am so saturated with affection and contentment that i beg them to stop and let me sleep.
Ok, now i’m sort of sick of whining. It’s getting on my nerves and I feel the hot icy whine of my tone scraping through my insides and making me even more bothered. But, later if i start to complain again don’t call me on it cuz that’s where i am today. i am feeling and only feeling. i have no room for rationale. I guess I am sort of like an almost 3 year old who i know. All emotion and no reason. Ok, so can i get my head out of my gunk for a minute and try to see how this state, these emotions affect my little girl? Not mine but her own. If she does live in a world of feeling and in her body without access to her head or reason, then how can i relate to her especially when she is “out of it” in order to assist her to move through it or at least to show her that all is ok with any emotion. I want her to feel that emotions have so much power and can be ugly but this family it is a safe place to be completely who you are. It is a harbor to explore all parts of ourselves and i will willingly be your light amidst the fog, i am here to guide you back to your center so that you can learn how to find your peace on your own in time. ( i am rambling and it may not make complete sense but i feel the need to release some of this pressure)
So, I have quite a job here. It is by far more challenging than i thought it would be. I am a good mother when things are sweet and going well. I like to be creative with our time at home by offering a variety of activities, song,….yadayada. But, i have a really hard time when a certain energy takes over this house. It’s a kind of energy that feels stuck, angry, and without direction. It’s a strong force that is easily aggressive and nasty. I can feel it and i know aiyana can feel it. She looks like she embodies that monster fully when things are heated but she may be reflecting back to me what i am not expressing outwardly. Does the chicken or the egg come first? I guess it really doesnt matter so long as i work on my own inner angst along with skillfully being there to guide her when it takes her over. Yeah, that’s an easy task.

Tenderness

I truly cherish each breath I have with my babes. I know how time steals chunks out of the air even when I am fully present. I thank the heavens for these beings in my life. Satya is a little Buddha. I so appreciate her calm and her giggles. She reminds me that all is as it should be.

Aiyana Izel

I see my Aiyana becoming her own Aiyana. I tear up as I see her distancing from me and my heart melts when she comes running back. I know that she has a strength that will forever astound me and I love to watch her begin to explore her world with her growing sense of freedom. It moves me so deeply.

Whining Wednesday on a Tuesday

I’m sitting here all alone with no babies crawling on me or whining at me. Incredible. I have no idea what to do with this sensation. It feels so foreign, yet so delicious. I miss myself. I have completely melted into mamahood. I’m not sure there is really a way not to when you have two little ones. It’s really a 24 hour job. It’s crazy-making. I am on call every night, all night and work 14 hour shifts. And i love to complain so its good that i have a job where there are always things to whine about. It’s just so hard!
It really releases stress when i let it out. When i list out all the things that i’m upset about, all the things that i wish were different. it feels nice. See, right now i don’t really have anyone to complain to in great batches once every few days so it sort of feels like there is a slow leak and I do nothing but whine about my life. It could just be internal, sometimes i don’t know how much actually passes my lips.

But I feel so melancholic lately. So, I will take control of this no-one- to -whine- to business and start listing it out every week. I’ll have a whine day on this blog. Today is Tuesday but I think we’ll do Whining Wednesdays cuz it sounds cooler. But I’ll start today cuz I feel lke it.

Here I go: I hate that it’s so damn hot here. Have I mentioned that before? Actually, today is a breezy 84 so not that bad but usually it’s quite unbearable.

I don’t like that it’s a treasure hunt to find organic produce here. I went out of my way to ensure that the purest ingredients went into the little tummy of my first born. After all, I made these babes from scratch and the idea of harmful pesticides and god knows what else entering their pure, beautiful bodies makes me want to cry. I have always shopped at health food stores no matter how out of the way or expensive it was. It’s just who I am. I have always purchased organic whenever available even if it has to go on the credit card. I whole-heartedly believe in organics for the good of our earth as well as for the health of our children. And here it is so hard to be true to this. There is a tiny health food store called Organika here and they carry a small selection of produce that arrives once a week and is physically fought over by my mom’s friend and a stranger lady. Regardless that the head of cauliflower that is the size of a large tomato is $4.25, it is the only place where you can find such treats. A few other places in town carry boxed lettuce from Washington for $7 and cheap organic bananas, thank god! So, unless we want to live a simple life solely on bananas, there is a bit of a struggle.

I hate that my 2 year old is so damn difficult lately. Every interaction is a possible explosion. She hits me, she says, “I don’t like u mama”. I know it’s not a huge deal but I’m just so sensitive that it actually hurts me. I feel more shut down to her and i feel like i tip toe around her if i’m not suited up for combat. I have toiled night and day for almost 3 years for her. Every two hours thru the night for 2 years, i nursed, rocked, bounced, sang to her. I massaged her with oils, sucked on her toes, gazed lovingly into her eyes, absorbed every coo and giggle and now she says with furrowed brow, “don’t look-ed at me, you can’t hold me”. It just makes me cry. I have to struggle not to take it personally and to keep pouring out the love, the patience, the compassion, the interest so that she can feel guided thru this frustrating time in her develpoment when she feels overwhelmed by all the changes both internal and external so that she doesn’t feel abandoned and yet i need to make firm boundaries so that she respects authority and learns appropriate behavior……how much am i getting paid here? Man, if she was my friend, I would have stopped calling; my boss, I would have quit; my dog, I would have given her away. Wow, she is my daughter and I have to keep plugging away, keep moving thru the dark forest of this unchartered wood. I somehow thought I would know what to do and I am lost. And I feel like I have failed her. I have failed myself. I suck at this job.

I’m bummed that my children’s childhood (even if it’s only for a short time) will be spent in a high rise apartment. I never thought that I would live in one. It’s just not me. Nothing about it feels natural. I have always needed the earth close to my front door where I can walk barefoot and run thru the tall grasses. My girls need that. All children need to spend most of their waking hours outdoors. It calms the spirit, brings imagination to their movement and enlivens the senses. Here, during Aiyana’s crazy toddler peak, we will be trapped on the 8th floor for a good part of the day. I know, I will be creative and make it the best it can be but this is a whining day remember….

Ok, babes came back from a walk, i fed, changed and put them to sleep, now I am hungry. So, enough for today. Oh, I hate that I have to eat so many times a day and i never know what to eat.

My girls are the most amazing miracles of my life! I cannot believe my dream has come true. I drink in each moment- well, most- that i get to spend with them. They are truly my teachers. If I can master myself, my mind, my emotions with every situation that arises, I will no longer be walking the path of the buddha but setting up tent under his tree!